I Like Him.

God damn it. I can’t believe I am actually going to utter these words.

I like Clapper.

I legitimately fucking like him and he makes me happy.

(Going to vomit. Be right back.)

Seriously, I like him. I want to spent loads of time with him and I (kinda) want to spill my guts to him (but I’m also not stupid and know better than to do that).

I have sorta admitted this to him, which is more than I can say for most people in the past that have crossed my path.

Mr. Breadstick, Ms. Ineedacheeseburger, Charlie  and Peace told me to stop being sissy basically and to get over my irrational fear of showing anyone any remote sense of emotion. And, well, I’m working on it. It’s slow and painful and it makes me very uncomfortable.

As I previous told Peace this week, “I’d rather suffer in my own silence then let someone know that they have had an emotional affect on me.”

Peace later told me that I deserved a man like Clapper because he is a lot of what I need in a partner (basically).

So I consulted my list (yes I really do have a list) to see how many of the “requirements” he meets. Clapper means a lot of them. He is:
has common sense,
knows what a mason jar is (need to ask. He is a yankee, so…)
makes me laugh (a lot actually),
affectionate (extremely),
kinda on the non-plan plan (so far),
has a big heart,
love unconditionally (let’s not get ahead of ourselves now),
has goals,
wants children (time the fuck out…I actually wrote that!?! My, my how things have changed and I don’t know what his answer is. Need to ask.),
not worry about money (we don’t discuss it),
have a truck (SUV…close enough for a city slicker),
love animals (that he does not),
act proper and mature (when necessary),
not a momma’s boy (doesn’t seem so, but we shall see. Need to ask.),
not an asshole for a father (Need to ask list.),
communicate well (he does!),
fight back (not crossing that bridge yet),
simple in a way,
understanding (is he ever),
open minded,
well traveled,
cares about self (he has quotes written down everywhere),
nice body (snicker, snicker),
heart-warming smile,
know how to drive (once again he is yankee),
perk to play an instrument (need to ask list).

So, that would be 34 items checked off the list, 1 item that he does not meet and 7 unanswerables.

Not too shabby.


Happily Ever After

So what if Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger really do get married?

Here I am, the middle friend (and ex girlfriend). Nevertheless, I have thought, in detail actually, about how I would feel about each moment of this.

The engagement. A tad shocked. A little depressed but genuinely happy for them both.

Pre-wedding. Jittery. Wanting, almost needing, to help out in any way possible. I could easily plan this wedding. No really I could. I could dive into this head first and produce a spectacular event. And I really think my heart would jump out of my chest about 500 times in the process.

Wedding. Happy. Like crying happy. A little bitter knowing that she is marrying one of my best friends for ever and ever, and that they will have the sex. Can’t even, don’t even, want to remotely picture that event. Ick.

Post-wedding. Happy. Delighted. Drunk.

Really post-wedding. Well, I don’t know. Depends on my dating status.

Forging Friendship

So in an effort to make things easier for everyone involved (and to act on a gut feeling I had anyways) I decided to making friends with Ms. Ineedacheeseburger. Yes I am actually making an effort to be her legitimate friend.

First, we made a trip to the local Donny T’s (mexican restaurant). We actually talked like normal. It turns out that I have a lot in common with her. Shockingly. Honestly. But the conversation was easy, natural and comfortable. We talked for almost two hours. After dinner, she ran errands and I went home to pack up my apartment. Well, I didn’t get too far. She called me up, said she was bored and asked if I wanted to grab a beer.

Sure thing.

And we continued to have our conversations at ease. I even told her about Clapper, to which she encouraged me to stop being a sissy and tell him I liked him. Ha. Odd hearing that from an ex boyfriend’s current girlfriend. (But she is right.)

That weekend we continued our friendship building with a hike. An 8 mile hike. 8 miles of aimless walking. But it passed without distribution or awkwardness. We talked about everything, even weddings, and our general complaints about them. She even told me that she would invite me to her’s when she got married if we were still friends. I chuckled to myself quietly.

But this got me to thinking, if Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger got married, how weird could that actually be? But that’s for another time.

I just think it’s a bit odd to be actually enjoying and missing the company of my ex boyfriend’s current girlfriend. I mean we get along well and have loads in common. Just viewing the situation from the outside, it seems a bit weird. I talk to Mr. Breadstick almost daily and her at least once a week. If they ever broke up, I’d probably be closer with Mr. Breadstick, but I really wouldn’t want my friendship to end with her. It’s like juggling. It’s difficult when it really shouldn’t be.

I’m just a perplexed by the whole thing really.

Breaking Up

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you tell me you are going to do something and you don’t actually follow through with it. This is happened to me twice this weekend.

As I previously wrote Ms. Ineedacheeseburger and Mr. Breadstick had split sighting religious differences. Well they got back together to “work things out” on Easter. Here’s the deal. Ms. Ineedacheeseburger is an Eastern Orthodox Catholic. Mr. Breadstick is either Baptist or Methodist (I can’t recall). So there are some difference in the way the Christian religion is practiced between the two. What their argument boiled down to is Ms. Ineedacheeseburger wants their children (if they get married and have them) to be raised like she was and Mr. Breadstick disagrees.

Now speaking from experience, this is an issue that Pig and I had. He was Catholic and I am a Southern Baptist. We did the same thing. We talked about our differences of practice and tried to gain a basic understanding of each other’s religions. Blah blah blah. So on and so forth. But in the end it came down to him wanting our children to be Catholic and I didn’t. It was one of the reasons we parted ways. Hindsight is 20-20, I know, but looking back Pig and I held on to a failing relationship for longer than we should have simply because we didn’t want to admit that our religious differences were a deal breaker. Sadly, I believe that this is what Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger are doing as well. Nevertheless, time will tell and they will both learn something about themselves in the end.

As Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers pointed out to me, Patti Stanger says, “Religion…is a deal-breaker. Can’t take a Jew and mix it with a Baptist. Not gonna make it happen in a million years.”

The second split of the weekend that turned out to hold no water was between Mr. Delicious and TF. This relationship is honestly worse than beating a dead horse. I mean really. They have been over their issues time and time again and yet they still keep riding a quickly sinking ship. I don’t really get it. Why would you waste your time? Either way, Mr. Delicious told me on Thursday that TF punched him five times (closed fist) because she is has PMS. She demanded a massage  and then claimed Mr. Delicious was hurting her, which I can personally say that Mr. Delicious gives excellent massages, so that cannot possibly be true. Fucking ridiculous. This is not the first time she has hit him either. Personally, if he hit her back, I wouldn’t blame him one bit. Whatever. They apparently worked it out and spent Easter together.

Either way, I believe both of these relationships are complete horseshit and they need to end.  Learn something about yourself. Move on. Unfortunately, they can see what I see because they are blinded by “love”. But I can promise you when the bottom does fall out, I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces.


Yesterday I arrived at Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers’ house.  We enjoyed a wonderful afternoon of laying on the sofas and catching up on the latest points of our lives. Around midnight or so, we called it quits and made off to our rooms for some quality sleep.

I hopped in the shower and did my usual routine to get ready for bed. Brushing my teeth. Starring at myself in the mirror. The norm. As I’m doing this I get a text. I look down and surprise!  I have three messages. One from my beloved Sunshine. Standard Golden Girls quotes for the evening.

One from Mr. Soup, which is oddly hilarious because I had just finished telling Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers that he wouldn’t talk to me. Well he started the conversation with a simple “Hey. How are you?” Blah blah blah. Life is fine. I ended it by falling asleep before he had a chance to respond. Nevertheless, his response was basically blah blah blah things are ok. Things aren’t going well at home. Lovely. I fall asleep and he decides to confide in me. The closed off very reserved man decides to confide in me at 115AM!

The final message was from Mr. Breadstick. It simply said Ms. Ineedacheeseburger and I broke up. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I had just invited her to live with me for the summer and they broke up! Shit balls.

I told Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers this morning that someone must be listening to us. Whatever. It’s time for a day on the beach and dress shopping.

No Regrets

1. I’m happy I never slept with LNAYX. After the conversation we had tonight it would have ended badly. Me thinking he had feels. Him just wanting to bust a nut. Real glad we are still just friends.

2. Update here. FireNY broke up with his lady friend. After which he proceeded to hit on me. This was not even remotely acceptable to me considering he had a past with my secret lover Peace. Either way, his hitting on me continued to the point where it became an issue. It’s hard for me naturally not to flirt back, but I knew better because let’s face it, Peace comes before any dick. Friends first, always!  Nevertheless it was tempting so in order to avoid miscommunication and massive complexity later (of which I’d basically say was stabbing friends in the back, which I’m not ok with), I talked to Peace about FireNY. Peace gave me the green light but that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel like an ass.

Either way, LNAYX was hanging out tonight. Just chilling. Doing the bro thing. And he was talking about FireNY. It was difficult not to comment on the conversation. But I did and I told FireNY about it. His response was “Don’t tell LNAYX about us talking. He might get upset.”

Two things occurred to me with this statement. One, we are talking? News to me. Two, you didn’t tell your best friend? Wow. I told mine. Shame on you.

3. I had a wonderful dinner with Ms. Ineedacheeseburger tonight. I think her and I may have more in common then expected. Impressive.

Bros Before Hoes And Chicks Before Dicks

Remember how you use to interact with all your married/in a serious relationship friends, and now you don’t? I do. I have many friends that are currently married or in a serious relationship and we just don’t click like we use to. Let’s give examples.

1. We can start with GoldDigger and My Father. Now I realize that they are “family” (gag), but I do feel like the redheaded step child, which I’m ok with because they leave me alone for the most part. But it seems like since they have entered married life everything revolves around her family. All holidays are spent with her family. All vacations, her idea/her family. All Saturday evening plans, her family. It seems that nothing that My Father does is for himself. Sure he enjoys what he does but he is contributing no original thought to the situation. My Father and I have never really been close, but he has changed since marriage. From the way he dresses, to his hobbies, to taking vacations (he never use to take those). His change, although for the most part for the better, has driven him even further from me. We have nothing in common, build no new memories, and his continuous apologizing for the past while rubbing the future in my face has to stop.

2. Next, we have Mr. Bear. Oh lord where do I begin? Well Mr. Bear has a serious track record of finding a new girlfriend and literally spending every waking minute with her, ditching his friends for the most part, and doing any and everything that she wants to do. Currently, Mr. Bear has a newer girlfriend. He has been seeing her for about 7 or 8 weeks.

Now, let me back up just a second and explain how Mr. Bear is dick to his friends when he has a significant other. A few weeks ago Mr. Bear and PR attended a wedding of a close friend of theirs. The night of the wedding Mr. Bear got all wasty faced, per usual. His girl called. He said he’d call her back later in the evening. She got mad. (Crazy cunts.) Later on in the evening Mr. Bear did indeed call his girl back. He had had several glasses of wine and called his girl by PR’s actual name on the phone repeatedly. Naturally his girl got pissed. I can’t say I blame her really. I would have done the same thing. Whatever.

Moving on to Monday. PR had changed her Facebook profile picture to a photo of her and Mr. Bear. A really great photo of them really. Well this apparently did not sit well with all parties involved. PR was working in the hospital all day Monday and could not answer her phone. Mr. Bear called PR six times saying that it was important and she needed to call him back. So after she left work, mind you the last thing she did was watch one of her patients die, she called him. He proceeds to tell her, “She was a fucking idiot and what was she thinking changing the profile picture. Blah, blah, blah.” He continues to rant and rave saying, “How could she be so stupid to put her profile picture of her and him, and his girl is pissed, and what kind of person is PR.” PR counters with the logical response of “Are you serious? We’ve been best friends and I love you like brother, and she needs to understand that I’m not going to be some selective friend and only be there when it’s ok.” His response, “I love her. Whatever she says goes and if she doesn’t like you, then I can’t like you type of deal.” PR lost her nugget. “If he can’t have the balls to tell her to calm the fuck down, we are just friends type of deal, then he’s fucked up and she wants no part of his future.” Mr. Bear, “Have a good one.”

Do you see my point? Mr. Bear has been dating this girl for weeks, literally, and he has shit all over PR who has been his friend for years. I mean seriously, what the fuck dude?


Now, I will have to say that despite all the evidence listed above, I do have a few friends that are married or in a serious relationship and nothing has changed. I love and appreciate these friends more than they know for being themselves and balancing their relationships. If anything they have learned how to balance their relationships due to some of their own fuck ups in the past. So thank you Boot and her man, Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger, and Romeo and Juliet, for being in relationships and not changing.


The bottom line of this post is just this, if you choose to be in a relationship, that’s all well and fine, but do not loose your friends and family over your significant other. No one is worth that and when that shit blows up in your face you’ll realize just how alone you really are.