I Like Him.

God damn it. I can’t believe I am actually going to utter these words.

I like Clapper.

I legitimately fucking like him and he makes me happy.

(Going to vomit. Be right back.)

Seriously, I like him. I want to spent loads of time with him and I (kinda) want to spill my guts to him (but I’m also not stupid and know better than to do that).

I have sorta admitted this to him, which is more than I can say for most people in the past that have crossed my path.

Mr. Breadstick, Ms. Ineedacheeseburger, Charlie  and Peace told me to stop being sissy basically and to get over my irrational fear of showing anyone any remote sense of emotion. And, well, I’m working on it. It’s slow and painful and it makes me very uncomfortable.

As I previous told Peace this week, “I’d rather suffer in my own silence then let someone know that they have had an emotional affect on me.”

Peace later told me that I deserved a man like Clapper because he is a lot of what I need in a partner (basically).

So I consulted my list (yes I really do have a list) to see how many of the “requirements” he meets. Clapper means a lot of them. He is:
smart,
has common sense,
knows what a mason jar is (need to ask. He is a yankee, so…)
makes me laugh (a lot actually),
affectionate (extremely),
kinda on the non-plan plan (so far),
has a big heart,
love unconditionally (let’s not get ahead of ourselves now),
has goals,
wants children (time the fuck out…I actually wrote that!?! My, my how things have changed and I don’t know what his answer is. Need to ask.),
not worry about money (we don’t discuss it),
have a truck (SUV…close enough for a city slicker),
hope,
caring,
love animals (that he does not),
act proper and mature (when necessary),
honest,
not a momma’s boy (doesn’t seem so, but we shall see. Need to ask.),
not an asshole for a father (Need to ask list.),
communicate well (he does!),
supportive,
fight back (not crossing that bridge yet),
spontaneous,
free,
adventurous,
simple in a way,
clean,
romantic,
understanding (is he ever),
giver,
selfless,
confident,
respectful,
open minded,
well traveled,
loyal,
cares about self (he has quotes written down everywhere),
nice body (snicker, snicker),
heart-warming smile,
know how to drive (once again he is yankee),
educated,
perk to play an instrument (need to ask list).

So, that would be 34 items checked off the list, 1 item that he does not meet and 7 unanswerables.

Not too shabby.

Happily Ever After

So what if Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger really do get married?

Here I am, the middle friend (and ex girlfriend). Nevertheless, I have thought, in detail actually, about how I would feel about each moment of this.

The engagement. A tad shocked. A little depressed but genuinely happy for them both.

Pre-wedding. Jittery. Wanting, almost needing, to help out in any way possible. I could easily plan this wedding. No really I could. I could dive into this head first and produce a spectacular event. And I really think my heart would jump out of my chest about 500 times in the process.

Wedding. Happy. Like crying happy. A little bitter knowing that she is marrying one of my best friends for ever and ever, and that they will have the sex. Can’t even, don’t even, want to remotely picture that event. Ick.

Post-wedding. Happy. Delighted. Drunk.

Really post-wedding. Well, I don’t know. Depends on my dating status.

Forging Friendship

So in an effort to make things easier for everyone involved (and to act on a gut feeling I had anyways) I decided to making friends with Ms. Ineedacheeseburger. Yes I am actually making an effort to be her legitimate friend.

First, we made a trip to the local Donny T’s (mexican restaurant). We actually talked like normal. It turns out that I have a lot in common with her. Shockingly. Honestly. But the conversation was easy, natural and comfortable. We talked for almost two hours. After dinner, she ran errands and I went home to pack up my apartment. Well, I didn’t get too far. She called me up, said she was bored and asked if I wanted to grab a beer.

Sure thing.

And we continued to have our conversations at ease. I even told her about Clapper, to which she encouraged me to stop being a sissy and tell him I liked him. Ha. Odd hearing that from an ex boyfriend’s current girlfriend. (But she is right.)

That weekend we continued our friendship building with a hike. An 8 mile hike. 8 miles of aimless walking. But it passed without distribution or awkwardness. We talked about everything, even weddings, and our general complaints about them. She even told me that she would invite me to her’s when she got married if we were still friends. I chuckled to myself quietly.

But this got me to thinking, if Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger got married, how weird could that actually be? But that’s for another time.

I just think it’s a bit odd to be actually enjoying and missing the company of my ex boyfriend’s current girlfriend. I mean we get along well and have loads in common. Just viewing the situation from the outside, it seems a bit weird. I talk to Mr. Breadstick almost daily and her at least once a week. If they ever broke up, I’d probably be closer with Mr. Breadstick, but I really wouldn’t want my friendship to end with her. It’s like juggling. It’s difficult when it really shouldn’t be.

I’m just a perplexed by the whole thing really.

Breaking Up

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you tell me you are going to do something and you don’t actually follow through with it. This is happened to me twice this weekend.

As I previously wrote Ms. Ineedacheeseburger and Mr. Breadstick had split sighting religious differences. Well they got back together to “work things out” on Easter. Here’s the deal. Ms. Ineedacheeseburger is an Eastern Orthodox Catholic. Mr. Breadstick is either Baptist or Methodist (I can’t recall). So there are some difference in the way the Christian religion is practiced between the two. What their argument boiled down to is Ms. Ineedacheeseburger wants their children (if they get married and have them) to be raised like she was and Mr. Breadstick disagrees.

Now speaking from experience, this is an issue that Pig and I had. He was Catholic and I am a Southern Baptist. We did the same thing. We talked about our differences of practice and tried to gain a basic understanding of each other’s religions. Blah blah blah. So on and so forth. But in the end it came down to him wanting our children to be Catholic and I didn’t. It was one of the reasons we parted ways. Hindsight is 20-20, I know, but looking back Pig and I held on to a failing relationship for longer than we should have simply because we didn’t want to admit that our religious differences were a deal breaker. Sadly, I believe that this is what Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger are doing as well. Nevertheless, time will tell and they will both learn something about themselves in the end.

As Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers pointed out to me, Patti Stanger says, “Religion…is a deal-breaker. Can’t take a Jew and mix it with a Baptist. Not gonna make it happen in a million years.”

The second split of the weekend that turned out to hold no water was between Mr. Delicious and TF. This relationship is honestly worse than beating a dead horse. I mean really. They have been over their issues time and time again and yet they still keep riding a quickly sinking ship. I don’t really get it. Why would you waste your time? Either way, Mr. Delicious told me on Thursday that TF punched him five times (closed fist) because she is has PMS. She demanded a massage  and then claimed Mr. Delicious was hurting her, which I can personally say that Mr. Delicious gives excellent massages, so that cannot possibly be true. Fucking ridiculous. This is not the first time she has hit him either. Personally, if he hit her back, I wouldn’t blame him one bit. Whatever. They apparently worked it out and spent Easter together.

Either way, I believe both of these relationships are complete horseshit and they need to end.  Learn something about yourself. Move on. Unfortunately, they can see what I see because they are blinded by “love”. But I can promise you when the bottom does fall out, I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces.

Counseling

Yesterday I arrived at Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers’ house.  We enjoyed a wonderful afternoon of laying on the sofas and catching up on the latest points of our lives. Around midnight or so, we called it quits and made off to our rooms for some quality sleep.

I hopped in the shower and did my usual routine to get ready for bed. Brushing my teeth. Starring at myself in the mirror. The norm. As I’m doing this I get a text. I look down and surprise!  I have three messages. One from my beloved Sunshine. Standard Golden Girls quotes for the evening.

One from Mr. Soup, which is oddly hilarious because I had just finished telling Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers that he wouldn’t talk to me. Well he started the conversation with a simple “Hey. How are you?” Blah blah blah. Life is fine. I ended it by falling asleep before he had a chance to respond. Nevertheless, his response was basically blah blah blah things are ok. Things aren’t going well at home. Lovely. I fall asleep and he decides to confide in me. The closed off very reserved man decides to confide in me at 115AM!

The final message was from Mr. Breadstick. It simply said Ms. Ineedacheeseburger and I broke up. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I had just invited her to live with me for the summer and they broke up! Shit balls.

I told Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers this morning that someone must be listening to us. Whatever. It’s time for a day on the beach and dress shopping.

No Regrets

1. I’m happy I never slept with LNAYX. After the conversation we had tonight it would have ended badly. Me thinking he had feels. Him just wanting to bust a nut. Real glad we are still just friends.

2. Update here. FireNY broke up with his lady friend. After which he proceeded to hit on me. This was not even remotely acceptable to me considering he had a past with my secret lover Peace. Either way, his hitting on me continued to the point where it became an issue. It’s hard for me naturally not to flirt back, but I knew better because let’s face it, Peace comes before any dick. Friends first, always!  Nevertheless it was tempting so in order to avoid miscommunication and massive complexity later (of which I’d basically say was stabbing friends in the back, which I’m not ok with), I talked to Peace about FireNY. Peace gave me the green light but that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel like an ass.

Either way, LNAYX was hanging out tonight. Just chilling. Doing the bro thing. And he was talking about FireNY. It was difficult not to comment on the conversation. But I did and I told FireNY about it. His response was “Don’t tell LNAYX about us talking. He might get upset.”

Two things occurred to me with this statement. One, we are talking? News to me. Two, you didn’t tell your best friend? Wow. I told mine. Shame on you.

3. I had a wonderful dinner with Ms. Ineedacheeseburger tonight. I think her and I may have more in common then expected. Impressive.

Bros Before Hoes And Chicks Before Dicks

Remember how you use to interact with all your married/in a serious relationship friends, and now you don’t? I do. I have many friends that are currently married or in a serious relationship and we just don’t click like we use to. Let’s give examples.

1. We can start with GoldDigger and My Father. Now I realize that they are “family” (gag), but I do feel like the redheaded step child, which I’m ok with because they leave me alone for the most part. But it seems like since they have entered married life everything revolves around her family. All holidays are spent with her family. All vacations, her idea/her family. All Saturday evening plans, her family. It seems that nothing that My Father does is for himself. Sure he enjoys what he does but he is contributing no original thought to the situation. My Father and I have never really been close, but he has changed since marriage. From the way he dresses, to his hobbies, to taking vacations (he never use to take those). His change, although for the most part for the better, has driven him even further from me. We have nothing in common, build no new memories, and his continuous apologizing for the past while rubbing the future in my face has to stop.

2. Next, we have Mr. Bear. Oh lord where do I begin? Well Mr. Bear has a serious track record of finding a new girlfriend and literally spending every waking minute with her, ditching his friends for the most part, and doing any and everything that she wants to do. Currently, Mr. Bear has a newer girlfriend. He has been seeing her for about 7 or 8 weeks.

Now, let me back up just a second and explain how Mr. Bear is dick to his friends when he has a significant other. A few weeks ago Mr. Bear and PR attended a wedding of a close friend of theirs. The night of the wedding Mr. Bear got all wasty faced, per usual. His girl called. He said he’d call her back later in the evening. She got mad. (Crazy cunts.) Later on in the evening Mr. Bear did indeed call his girl back. He had had several glasses of wine and called his girl by PR’s actual name on the phone repeatedly. Naturally his girl got pissed. I can’t say I blame her really. I would have done the same thing. Whatever.

Moving on to Monday. PR had changed her Facebook profile picture to a photo of her and Mr. Bear. A really great photo of them really. Well this apparently did not sit well with all parties involved. PR was working in the hospital all day Monday and could not answer her phone. Mr. Bear called PR six times saying that it was important and she needed to call him back. So after she left work, mind you the last thing she did was watch one of her patients die, she called him. He proceeds to tell her, “She was a fucking idiot and what was she thinking changing the profile picture. Blah, blah, blah.” He continues to rant and rave saying, “How could she be so stupid to put her profile picture of her and him, and his girl is pissed, and what kind of person is PR.” PR counters with the logical response of “Are you serious? We’ve been best friends and I love you like brother, and she needs to understand that I’m not going to be some selective friend and only be there when it’s ok.” His response, “I love her. Whatever she says goes and if she doesn’t like you, then I can’t like you type of deal.” PR lost her nugget. “If he can’t have the balls to tell her to calm the fuck down, we are just friends type of deal, then he’s fucked up and she wants no part of his future.” Mr. Bear, “Have a good one.”

Do you see my point? Mr. Bear has been dating this girl for weeks, literally, and he has shit all over PR who has been his friend for years. I mean seriously, what the fuck dude?

_________

Now, I will have to say that despite all the evidence listed above, I do have a few friends that are married or in a serious relationship and nothing has changed. I love and appreciate these friends more than they know for being themselves and balancing their relationships. If anything they have learned how to balance their relationships due to some of their own fuck ups in the past. So thank you Boot and her man, Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger, and Romeo and Juliet, for being in relationships and not changing.

_________

The bottom line of this post is just this, if you choose to be in a relationship, that’s all well and fine, but do not loose your friends and family over your significant other. No one is worth that and when that shit blows up in your face you’ll realize just how alone you really are.

Friends Versus Girlfriends

Yep. Definitely a lazy Sunday. Out to a late lunch and beer. Home for a movie and bed as soon as I finish this. But in the mean time I’m going to catch you up on some recent occurrences.

Situation #1: Mr. Delicious, as I previously told you, has a girlfriend. We are still friends. No big deal (now). But here within the past few days he has been asking me for relationship advice. HA! So ironic. I mean think about he is ask me, the girl he was playing, for advice on the girl he picked over me. Once again, HA! So the story goes like this: (Now I edited some because I hate shorthand text and I’m not going to reveal anyone’s real name.)

Mr. Delicious-I love great girlfriend’s (sarcasm)
Nelson-Oh no. What’s up?
D-I’ll have to explain it but long story short (his girlfriend who we will call TF) went to “dinner ” with an old friend and got drunk with him. She got mad when I said why can’t you just make it lunch ….not to happy right now.
N-Oh. I see. You are basically asking for a compromise and it didn’t go over well?
D-I trust her but I’m not an idiot. I don’t know why I always get screwed by chicks I fall for. I’m a very honest guy in a relationship and my bigggggest pet peeve is when someone lies to not ” hurt” the other person, and she’s doing that tonight.
N-Oh I see. I’m going to side with you on this. You never lie ever in a relationship. Its better to tell the truth and hurt them D-She’s still at the bar. It’s 11:30 here. She’s been there since 6. N-Ummm. Ok. So she’s with the “old friend” right?
D-Yeah.
N-Does she think you’re playing the “jealous boyfriend” card?
D-She accused me of it or the “you won’t let me be with friends” card when I asked her what was wrong with doing lunch. N-Um. Ok. So now she’s mad and probably out just to spite you. Thoughts? D-What should I do? I don’t think she’s out like that but you never know.
N-I would let it be for the night. Tell her to have a good time and calmly explain to her tomorrow how you feel. She’s might take it well or she’ll flip out. I don’t know her well enough to know what she’s going to do but I’m going to guess that she’s going to get mad. But the important thing is that you addressed it the right way.

A little while later…

N-Playing devils advocate here, do you think you are reading too much into it?
D-I’m sure I am a little but I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t given doubt or reason to. N-Fair point. Just checking to make sure you’re thinking the right way. D-I am.
N-So, are you still chatting with TF?
D-It’s on and off texting. I said goodnight and she keeps saying she’ll call but hasn’t. N-She isn’t going to call you until she gets home.
D-Figures. Why is that?
N-Ha. Just saying. That’s what I’d do. I’d be too drunk to drive and talk on the phone so I’d call when I got home.

The next day…

N-Talk to TF yet?
D-We argued last night. It’s whatever. I need a break.
N-That’s unfortunate.
D-It happens.
N-Yeah but for me I get really frustrated when they are being irrational and won’t communicate with me. D-We talked but we agreed for space.
N-Space or break? There’s a big difference.
D-We are debating on the break but I don’t know. We’ll see.

So, now that I have him confiding in me, I’m going to him a favor and be his friend with advice. I hate to witness break ups because they remind me too much of other things but he doesn’t realize what he his dealing with. TF is lovely to some, but, or so I have been told, she’s a raging douchebag to some people. Regardless, I’m playing the fence. I’ll be friend her if necessary, but in the end I always side with my boys (or my super close girlfriends). Always.

Situation #2: Mr. Breadsticks has been talking to me every day. I find this to be weird, but nice that we are back to being friends. However, I have a strange feeling that when Ms. Ineedacheeseburger returns to the US (She went to Egypt for a school trip. So legit!), he’ll stop talking to me. Which, frankly, will piss me off because you never ever choose your significant other over your friends. I guess time will tell!

Off to bed now, and off to Mississippi tomorrow.

I Earned My Nickname.

Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers asked me recently to provide the background for all of my nicknames for people. After thinking about this some more, I think this may benefit a few others as well.

***Warning: If you are a male and you know me, you may not want to read this. (Hint. Hint. Mr. Boxer STOP READING!)***

Angel–Ex-boyfriend’s lady friend. She was such a sweetheart.
Grace Kelly–He got his nickname from Mad TV’s “Can I have your number”
Graham Cracker Express–His first name was graham and it just kinda stuck.
Granny–My hateful grandmother on my mother’s side.
HairSwoop–He has this thing he does with his hair. It’s like the Richmond comb over. We call it the hairswoop. It’s just bad, bad, bad, and he’ll be rocking that hairstyle for the rest of his life. Think a toned back Justin Bieber.
Juliet–Her and her boyfriend, Romeo, are tied together at the hip.
Mr. 8.5–You got this one already. 8.5 inches.
Mr. Bear–He has chest fur, not hair, FUR! It’s that thick. Plus, we think that if he gets on all fours, his ass would be about the size of a bear’s ass.
Mr. Breadstick–We got this lovely little nickname from the lack of what he was packing. It was a thin breadstick. One of the biggest disappointments of my life.
Mr. Delicious—Oh sweet jesusssss!!! He is gorgeous. Enough said.
Mr. Greek–Not exciting. He is from a greek family.
Mr. Mosquito–Once again, lacking in the packing. I believe my exact quote to my cousin that earned him this nickname was “If this doesn’t work out, I won’t be disappointed. I was thinking WTF is that, a mosquito bite on your leg!”
Mr. Nelson–His middle name is Nelson. Also where I got my nickname from.
Mr. NotSoHotItalian–Never been more let down in my life. His background was italian, but nothing about the way he looked was. Sadness.
Mr. Slap–He hit me. Only guy who ever has and he’s lucky he’s not dead.
Mr. Soup–He is so hot but the LAX team tells me he is a soupy, old man ass. GAHHH!
Ms. Granny–This would be another girlfriend of an ex. She was 27 I believe. Not old at all, but her mannerisms were that of grandma, or that of a freshman in high school. Based on the way she dressed, it tipped the scales to call her Ms. Granny versus CrazyBitch.
Ms. INeedACheeseburger–She thin, thin, thinnnnn. One of Spangler’s runners. She needs to eat!
Pig–I have never seen someone eat so much food in my life and stay so thin. He literally ate everything. Leftovers. GONE.
Romeo–See Juliet.
Sunshine–That’d be my cousin.

And for the most recent one that I referenced specifically at the beginning of this post, Mr. Boxer. It’s what it sounds like. He’s a boxer, along with being an athlete in several other sports.

Not Exactly Dancing with the Stars

Funny how some people just waltz back into your live, either by force or by accident. My little dilemma begins with ex-boyfriends, or in some cases ex-mess around friends. I find it absolutely perplexing that somehow these people end up back in my life. And I still beg the question of how and why? Lets give the most recent examples. We have Mr. Breadstick. Ah, yes, the ever famous Mr. Breadstick. I’ll have to explain more in detail later about his dearest self. Long story short, Mr. Breadstick is an ex. He dumped me a few days before a major holiday. He played me by talking to someone else, Ms. Ineedacheeseburger, at the same time and in the process he coincidently “forgot” to tell his friend, Mr. Soup, that he was talking to Ms. Ineedacheeseburger. Mr. Soup and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger were talking as well.

So back to the point here. Mr. Breadstick left me for Ms. Ineedacheeseburger and then proceeded to give me the cold shoulder for a while. Now I deserved it at first because I acted like an irrational crazy bitch (standard, right?), but after I apologized, we were on an even playing field. This is when he proceeded to meld in my business, and we didn’t talk for oh say 6 months. Then out of the blue, seemingly, he wants to be my friend. Text me, call me. Some for business. Some not. My gut is telling me this is all wrong. He wants something, or better yet, doesn’t want me to have something. Regardless, I feel that this can not turn out well. Am I being paranoid  or rightfully guarded?

Case number two of people waltz back into your life. Mr. Delicious. Delicious as he may be, he can leave a tart taste in your mouth. Last I had written, I discovered he had a girlfriend which he forgot to mention as part of his life updates. They are still together. Happily and stupidly so, I believe. But more to the point, we were working together on an event and I gave him a helpful pointer not because it was him but because he looked like an idiot and I needed to politely fix the issue. However, he for some odd reason took this as the open door policy to contact me whenever he damn well feels like it now. Don’t get me wrong, we could be friends. However, he burnt me and didn’t have the balls to tell me so. Somehow I can’t see this adding up to a very productive friendship either. Am I right to keep him at an arm’s length distance?

And for our final display of ballroom dancing we have Mr. Mosquito. Once again, more to come on him later, but Mr. Mosquito and I have had a continuous flirtation with each other for about 2 years now. This past summer we added fuel to the already burning fire. This is fairly standard for us–him being the nonconforming male who never admits when he is wrong and when he doesn’t have a smartass comeback all you hear is “oh fuck you”; and me being the ever independent female who teases like there is no tomorrow and replies to his “oh fuck you” statement “be careful how you say that to people” with a smirk of course. Yes, Mr. Mosquito and I go together like Kate Hudson and Dane Cook at the end of My Best Friend’s Girl. Two equally self righteous people who fuck with each other all the time and love every minute of it. Mr. Mosquito comes and goes from my life as he pleases but seeing him still makes me light up like a bulb and nothing ever changes between us. Somehow I still think I should throw caution to the wind with this one. Thoughts?