First Time

There were lots of first times this weekend. First time going further north than NYC. First time going to Canada. First time meeting LNAYX’s parents. First time spending quality one on one time with LNAYX. First time telling LNAYX of FireNY’s lies. First time being completely speechless and not being able to explain the why with LNAYX. First time having perfectly natural sex with LNAYX. First time I really missed Clapper. First time I realized that LNAYX and I have something rare, and equally realizing that it’s kinda like that with Clapper as well. First time that I acknowledged that I could easily be content with LNAYX as long as he kept his dick exclusive.

But even at the end of the weekend all I want to do is crawl in Clapper’s arms and sleep easy.


Status Quo Failure

Dear FireNY,

First, I’d like to thank you for your time and attention. Second, I’d like to commend you on your efforts of attempting to be a good person. However, I am reluctant to inform you that your efforts have fall short of the status quo, just as Peace and PR predicted.

You see when I first met you, I mistakenly thoguht that you were innocent. I was quickly proven wrong by your adventurous notions with Peace with an unregard care for your girlfriend at the time. However, that is not my bone to pick with you. It is Peace’s. But shame on you son.

See my faults with you lie with in this very sentence. Your ways of wording tell the whole story when you only speak half the truth. You dig your own grave and are too busy looking up to realize you are sinking, and quickly might I had at that.

Have you ever heard the term “give them just enough rope to hang themselves”. If not, you have now. Moreover, it is exactly what you have done. I gave you the rope and you made the noose and hung yourself from a tree. The best part is that you have no idea. You think your riding the high life.

Like I said, I regret to inform you that you are in fact not.

You started off on the wrong foot. Right off the bat you threw your best friend under the bus to me. You put him down, stepped on him, shoved his face on the mud and kept on getting it. Shame on you. I overlooked this momentarily until I had the chance to really talk to him. I adore him and you should never be an ass to him again. Consider that your warning for the future.

Then, without your knowing, I caught you in a whole slew of lies. First, you lied about your best friend even being with you on vacation. Mistake. You shouldn’t lie about petty shit. Second, you lied about that one weekend I was away. You said you were drinking beers with a friend. Which was true, but it was only half of the truth. May I remind you that only telling half of the truth is the same as lying. You should know that dear. You were in fact throwing a few back, but what you neglected to inform me of was that it wasn’t at a bar. It was at your ex girlfriend’s house. Now see this would not normally be an issue but when you are attempting to gain someone’s trust you never lead this on an unsound trail. Furthermore, your ex is a psychotic nut and you dog her been her back. Faking it to her face is just rude, inconsiderate, and unfair to all parties involved.

After these two lies where uncovered, I tuned into you. See the first two lies didn’t hurt me, far from it actually, but you did piss me off. You were taking advantage of a perfectly nice woman, as far as you knew.

The thing is that I’m only a perfectly nice girl on the surface. Underneath and when provoked, which you did, I am a bitch. See you were playing games with me, which I knew all along. I decided to play along because I didn’t realize the depth of these games. But what you failed to realized is that you ever play me and you never ever play games with me. I will win and you will end up equalling chew up gum on the bottom of my shoe in my book.

So I set back and like your game run its course. I knew it would only be a matter of time before you lied again. It only took about 3 weeks. You told a half truth again. You said you promised to come see me over a weekend. I let you believe that I was excited for the adventure, but in reality I knew you were bullshitting straight to my face. Takes one to know one hun. The weekend came and went. I let it pass calmly.

A few days after the weekend you messaged me. Ah, yes. The famous I’m going to make promises I won’t keep, not show or communicate anything for the period of time that I was suppose to be present, and then talk to you after the fact with light heartedness, I miss yous, and other meaningful bullshit to rope me in again. Bravo. Such a well thought out original plan. I really applaud you for your efforts in diversification. You make a grand appeal.

Either way, I played along. And as I predicted you made a faulty miss step. You made mention of the fact that you went to Bruce’s graduation party. Oh dear. See that was my key. It told me that you were in my area over the weekend and that you didn’t make the each effort to come see me because you were playing me. Shame on you again.

So here is what is going to happen. I’m going to turn on my heel and walk away but before I do I must make a few things clear. One, if you ever throw our mutual friends, especially LNAYX, under the bus again, I will publically humiliate you. Two, if you ever fuck with Peace again without her wanting you to, her problems with you will become my problems and I do not respond well to cheaters. Three, if you attempt to make advances toward me in the future I’m going to lead you on repeatedly and frustrate the fuck out of you. Four, I feel it would be hypocritical of me not to inform you of my intended use of you in the first place. I only entertained the idea of you as a summer fling. If you don’t believe me, ask Sunshine. I made the summer fling announcement in her kitchen. But I digress. See my sex friend at the time was MIA and I needed some loving. Your dick and meaningless sex with you suited my needs. Don’t be a pussy and cry about it.  Five, you need to get the fuck out of the game. Your skills are shitty as hell and I can’t believe you even thought you could play your games reasonably well enough to not get caught. You’re truly a dumbass if you still believe that. Finally, remember you can’t play a player bitch. 

Fuck off with peace and love,


P.S. I think The Band Perry says it best:
“Because you lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man’s floor and you lie like a coon dog basking in the sunshine on my porch. Well you lie like a penny in a parking lot at the grocery store. It just comes way too natural to you. The way you lie.”

8, Pick A Mate

In a drunken moment of desire, I got what I wanted from FireNY. Number Eight. And just as Peace predicted, it was a disappointment. Why you ask? Easy. 1. No one plays just the tip anymore. 2. 2 minutes. 2 MINUTES! But what I find even more interesting is the way FireNY now acts. He is attentive and doesn’t go breezing past me. He smiles and acts polite. I on the other hand haven’t made any effort. I speak when he speaks to me but I do not go out of my way for anything. I think he is acting like the girl would in this situation, and I’m acting like a guy.

Personally, this is how I always am. For me I don’t need your emotional bullshit. I’m perfectly ok with having sex, just to have sex. Sex and love are two very different things. LNAYX taught me that. But more importantly, I wonder why I even bother. I know I’m ready for a relationship, yet every time someone (like Clapper) gets near me, I get extremely nervous and push them as far away as possible. Although I’m better at expressing my emotions, I keep most of them well hidden.

Perhaps it boils down to a few points. One, my family doesn’t deal with emotion–at all–ever. We are dead pan for the most part. We fake whatever mood we need to to suit the occasion. Most of us have never seen anyone else cry, and if we have we do not utter a single word about it. We allow the person to cry alone in the corner of the room by themselves. Emotion is ignored.

Two, Clapper makes me intimidates the hell out of me. He is attractive, smart, and successful. He has a lot of things going for him. But he makes me nervous as hell because he is persistent.  He admits that he is attracted to me and I don’t take compliments well. I say thank you and get extremely uncomfortable.  He goes out of his way to speak to me, often. He offers to take me out to dinner. And after all of this I still blow him off. Why? One, I juggling people. Two, I’m a little bit lazy. Three, our schedules are ridiculous. Four, I don’t know what to do with myself around him. I’m very guarded and he makes me feel vulnerable. He sees through it. Or at least I think that he does. I know that if I let him just close to me I’m going to feel something, and the thought of that makes me want to vomit. Like I said I don’t handle emotion well.

Ugh. Fuck. I have 2 weeks to think about this at the beach. But once I return I know I’m going to have to face the music and tell Clapper yes or no. I know it’s wrong to compliant about the situation and having choices but damn. It’s so much easier not to feel anything at all than to be overwhelmed with emotion.

Fuck this.

You Can’t Make A Puppet Out Of The Puppet Master Bitch.

May I just say that you can’t play a player. I really don’t understand people who try to get one over on me and think that I won’t notice. I have news for you. I will and then I will fuck you (not literally). But I digress for just a second to update you on why I have the need to say this, once again.

First, Mr. Soup decided that after shunning me since Spring Break in OBX that he would talk to again. Six short text messages later and that conversation was done. It went like this:
Mr. Soup: “Hey. What are you up to?”
Me: “Nothing much. Just packing for OBX. You?”
Mr. Soup: “Just really drunk from Goshen and really bored.”
Me: (What I thought) “Ohhh. So you can only talk to me when you are heavy intoxicated? Let me guess what you want and aren’t going to get.” (What I said), “Ha. Been out there all day?”
Mr. Soup: “Since like 3. I feel like I haven’t gotten to see you in forever.”
Me:  (What I thought) “Yep, and whose fault is that? Not mine. I know you are just interested in getting my pants, but my friends come first. Plus you have ignored me for 6 weeks and expect me to drop everything for you? Not happening in a million years. You made me wait, so you can wait too.” (What I said) “You haven’t since Spring Break OBX. Ha. You are welcome to come over. LNAYX and I are just going to sit around and throw a few back since he is just waiting on grades.”

Not a single response from Mr. Soup. Frankly, that really irritated the fuck out of me and it was unnecessary drama for the evening. LNAYX and I were just supposed to chill, catch up, drink a few, and relax. He leaves in a few days for home and I may or may not get to see him over the summer. LNAYX is like Mr. Boxer. I can tell them anything and I’ll never be judged and they will always be brutally honest with me. No reservations. That’s why I keep them as my close friends. They keep me sane and in check.

Moving on to my next and more important issue on the soapbox, FireNY. Since I have had the green light from Peace, I have allowed FireNY to continue his “talking to me”. It’s that awkward getting to know you stage. I approached PR about the situation and after 30 seconds of evaluation her exact response was, “Sounds like a douche, like Bert. Not worth your time.” Ha. This is why I love my friends. Well I decided to still feel out the situation. No need to lose friends over this.

Now my gut told me I wasn’t the only one. I assumed this because he is on his phone 24/7, literally. It is worse than a girl. Now I know that I don’t blow his shit up because I have more important things to do with my life. I have my friends and I like face time. So my wheels started to turn. Who was the jabbering with? Um. Ok. Two people can play at this game, and he doesn’t understand that I am not one to fuck with in situations like this. So what did I do? I backed off completely. I played the friend card. A text about twice a week. Hey how’s it going? How’s the family? Good luck on your test. Blah blah blah. He never talked about anything new that had happened and never talked about the weekends. Interesting. As a matter of fact you could send him messages on the weekends and he won’t respond or would leave shit out. Ummm. So I gave him the rope he needed and sure enough he hung himself. And the best part is he has no idea that he has even been caught.

LNAYX informed me last night that he, FireNY and their other roommate spent Easter together. Really? Interesting, because FireNY definitely left out that LNAYX was with him over Easter. Yet, he was asking me 20 million questions about who I was with. I went down to see my friend Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers BY MYSELF. FireNY, for whatever reason, had a difficult time believing that I traveled alone. Dude, I drove across the country and back by myself. Taking an 8 hour trip to see a friend is cake. Either way, this little bit of information of LNAYX traveling with FireNY over Easter was interesting because FireNY doesn’t want LNAYX to know that we are “talking”. Something didn’t sit right with me about this, and still doesn’t.

Then it all kinda clicked. I like LNAYX. We have a mutual attraction and both of us will admit it to each other. We have no shame saying that out loud. Either way, FireNY knows this. I remember on the first night that he hit on me, he told me that LNAYX had a girl at another college (which I thought was really soon considering he just broke up with his serious girlfriend like a month and a half before). FireNY basically proceeded to throw LNAYX under the bus, and you don’t do that shit to your friends. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Ever since that night the two of them haven’t been over to my apartment together. LNAYX and I chill and shoot the shit on the regular. FireNY knows this and he always asks what we are doing. Talking. Literally. I haven’t done anything with LNAYX. It would just complicate things.

Either way, on Cinco de Mayo, the boys went out and got wasted. LNAYX was supposed to come over. FireNY sent me a message later in the night and asked what I was doing. I was packing to go home for the weekend and LNAYX was supposed to come over to chill. FireNY said that he might come over later with LNAYX. No worries. I don’t give a shit one way or the other. So what happens? LNAYX gets fucked up 10 ways to Sunday at the bar and doesn’t come over. No big deal. He can do what he wants and I had other shit to do anyways. However, FireNY does come over. Ok. Whatever. I’ll enjoy the conversation and continue to pack. Not really a big deal right? Wrong.

So then LNAYX tells me last night that FireNY spent all weekend with his ex-ladyfriend, which he is entitled to do. We aren’t dating. However, what irritates the fuck out of me is that he lied to me about. He chose not to tell the whole truth. CHOOSING NOT TO TELL THE TRUTH IS THE SAME FUCKING THING AS LYING.  So toppled with all this other stuff, I got pissed for a number of reasons.

1. FireNY lied to me by not telling me the truth on more than one occasion.

2. FireNY is attempting to separate LNAYX and I as friends. You do not fuck with my friends. Ever.

3. FireNY is still around his ex. I don’t deal with shit that has baggage.

4. FireNY is playing games with me and he really doesn’t understand how bad of an idea that is.

Congratulations dude. You just fucked up majorly. Two can play at your game and I will win. You can’t make a puppet out of the puppet master bitch.

No Regrets

1. I’m happy I never slept with LNAYX. After the conversation we had tonight it would have ended badly. Me thinking he had feels. Him just wanting to bust a nut. Real glad we are still just friends.

2. Update here. FireNY broke up with his lady friend. After which he proceeded to hit on me. This was not even remotely acceptable to me considering he had a past with my secret lover Peace. Either way, his hitting on me continued to the point where it became an issue. It’s hard for me naturally not to flirt back, but I knew better because let’s face it, Peace comes before any dick. Friends first, always!  Nevertheless it was tempting so in order to avoid miscommunication and massive complexity later (of which I’d basically say was stabbing friends in the back, which I’m not ok with), I talked to Peace about FireNY. Peace gave me the green light but that doesn’t mean I still don’t feel like an ass.

Either way, LNAYX was hanging out tonight. Just chilling. Doing the bro thing. And he was talking about FireNY. It was difficult not to comment on the conversation. But I did and I told FireNY about it. His response was “Don’t tell LNAYX about us talking. He might get upset.”

Two things occurred to me with this statement. One, we are talking? News to me. Two, you didn’t tell your best friend? Wow. I told mine. Shame on you.

3. I had a wonderful dinner with Ms. Ineedacheeseburger tonight. I think her and I may have more in common then expected. Impressive.


I feel like I’m the girl that bounces between clicks. It has suddenly occurred to me while sitting at lacrosse practice that none of my group of guy are actually friends. Let me break it down for you. You have LNAYX and FireNY. Buds of course but they could not be more removed from the thought process and actions of Mr. Breadstick and Mr. Soup. Same goes for Mr. Boxer and Mr. Mosquito.

The groups of guys are almost polar opposites so what boggles me about this is where do I fit in?  How did I honestly become friends with such a wide range of people?

Perhaps the answer is in the fact that I’m a nice person and a social butterfly. I know it has nothing to do with my intelligence. I don’t use my brain for the most part in an large capacity around the boys. If I do it’s rare. But I digress. In all seriousness though, why am I friends with such a variety of people?

Weird. Just weird.

More to come on this topic later. Got to get back to practice and Clapper is getting curious.

Out Of The Office

So I know I’ve been out of the net recently. I have been very busy at work and on vacation. I find that I have a harder time blogging on vacation. Maybe it’s because I am out of my usual schedule. Maybe because I’m lazy. Maybe because I’m busy seeing the wonders of the world. (Yes, I do that frequently.) Regardless, my bad. Forgive me.

So here’s a little update of my life. I’m stressed out! I have been so stressed and busy that I offered to pay Sunshine to come clean my house. Anyways,  I have been looking for jobs, which is one thing that I hate to do. I have been busy at work planning for a huge event that last five days. Five whole days of community service. I have been caring for my very, very sick cat, Lucy. She has toxoplasmosis. She is making a slow come around. It’s been 13 days since she went to the vet. Poor thing has lost so much weight, and could have possibly suffered brain damage. She had an extremely high fever for 11 of those days. It’s too soon to tell though. I have been busy molesting Mr. Soup, and feeling feelings. Ew. I have been preparing the Club LAX team for a game. Those boys are going to kill me one day. I just know it.

There is a whole bunch of other things going on as well. I’m just not in the mood to discuss them at the moment. But the one thing I do want to talk about is how much men claim to be players, but really they are pussy whipped. I have a friend, FireNY, who doesn’t really claim to be a player but he does claim to be one of the bros. He loves his bros. He really does, but last night he made a choice to miss LAX practice (the bro-est thing there is) to deal with his “relationship issues”. Let me break it down for you like this. FireNY doesn’t really like his girlfriend, but he feels bad about breaking up with her because she has no one else. Last time I checked, her having no one else is not his problem, and he needs to do what makes him happy. Instead he continues to wallow in the filth of a relationship that he has. It’s beyond repulsive. Now, I love this kid and would do anything for him, but dude it’s bros before hoes. It’s getting to the point that I’m about to smack him with a hard dose of reality because he is chasing a dead-end, wasting his time, and his bros are getting annoyed as fuck with it (but still won’t say anything).

Always leave it to a woman to be a crazy bitch.