Stroke It Out

So this week as been damn right awful. It started off with 102 degree fever and being sick for 3 days. Thursday wasn’t too bad. Spend all day with Sunshine in the Sunshine. Took Shen to the vet, which was a bit of a nightmare. I can’t stand it when other people can’t control their animals. I don’t want your dog in my dog’s personal space. Please and thank you.

Friday came and with it came hell on wheels. We put my grandmother in the hospital. She wasn’t making any sense. She was talking but her words weren’t coming out correctly. For instance she would try to ask for a glass of water and it would come out as “I glass ice.”

Long story short, I got to sleep in the hospital Friday evening. Saturday came with a confirmed diagnosis of a stroke. Some of her speech and writing may come back with time, but all of it may not. So we are in for long all now.

The rest of Saturday, however, went much much better. I went to see Iamsohip. We had an excellent evening consisting of bitching without judgment, boozing, and boys. We went out to a local bar where I got to see LNAYX. God I have missed him! We got to hang and talk about the rest of summer. I got to hang out with Mr. Delicious as well. Turns out, by the way, that I am going to Ring Figure with him. Holla. Now I gots to finds a dress.

And the best part of the evening was when Clapper came and picked me up. We went home and (Mr. Boxer stop reading here and go to the next paragraph) did the dirty. I got me a unicorn. Hot damn! It was wonderful. He dropped the r word, “relationship”, and I didn’t fight it. We, Clapper and I, are in a relationship. It has been established.

I gots me a unicorn.

Evil Demons

Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Oh boy. There are so many things I need to forgive people for. I hold grudges like it’s my job. I know it’s never good for me, but I just can’t help it. You cross me and I will hate you forever. Never again will I allow you to be in a position that could hurt me.

However, I would say the biggest person/reason/situation that I need to forgive is my father.

I absolutely fucking hate that man, yet I love him at the same time. He is like poison in my blood, yet I can’t put it down and walk away. I am fond of him, yet if he dropped dead tomorrow I would feel little remorse for what has happened between us.

I hate him for being gone when I was a child. I hate him for not being a man when my parents divorced. I hate him for thinking that he needed to be at work more than at home. I hate that he never did anything with me that wasn’t work related. I hate that he smothered me. I hate that he choked the life out of my childhood. I hate that he took advantage of my innocence for his common need. I hate that he never grew up in some respects. I hate that he thought he could find answers at the bottom of a bottle. I hate that his communication skills are hypocritical. I hate that his love for other things is rooted in a falsehood. I hate that my suggestions are a moot point. I hate that he found a new family. I hate that he won’t leave me alone. I hate that I have to even touch him. I hate that I have to share a room or even an air space with him. I hate his very existence and connection with my life. He maybe be my father, but I absolutely loathe the fact that he tried to be my parent.

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HIM.

Yet I know that I need to forgive him for things, because it is not healthy for me to keep all this hate built up inside of me. It will tarnish my soul, and blacken my future.

As Mr. Boxer told me once, “You have some evil demons chasing you.” Yes. I do, and he is right. My father is one of my many demons. A demon which I need to rid myself.

So let’s wish for happy days and brighter skies of which I can release my burdens and be free to fly without watching my back.

You Can’t Make A Puppet Out Of The Puppet Master Bitch.

May I just say that you can’t play a player. I really don’t understand people who try to get one over on me and think that I won’t notice. I have news for you. I will and then I will fuck you (not literally). But I digress for just a second to update you on why I have the need to say this, once again.

First, Mr. Soup decided that after shunning me since Spring Break in OBX that he would talk to again. Six short text messages later and that conversation was done. It went like this:
Mr. Soup: “Hey. What are you up to?”
Me: “Nothing much. Just packing for OBX. You?”
Mr. Soup: “Just really drunk from Goshen and really bored.”
Me: (What I thought) “Ohhh. So you can only talk to me when you are heavy intoxicated? Let me guess what you want and aren’t going to get.” (What I said), “Ha. Been out there all day?”
Mr. Soup: “Since like 3. I feel like I haven’t gotten to see you in forever.”
Me:  (What I thought) “Yep, and whose fault is that? Not mine. I know you are just interested in getting my pants, but my friends come first. Plus you have ignored me for 6 weeks and expect me to drop everything for you? Not happening in a million years. You made me wait, so you can wait too.” (What I said) “You haven’t since Spring Break OBX. Ha. You are welcome to come over. LNAYX and I are just going to sit around and throw a few back since he is just waiting on grades.”

Not a single response from Mr. Soup. Frankly, that really irritated the fuck out of me and it was unnecessary drama for the evening. LNAYX and I were just supposed to chill, catch up, drink a few, and relax. He leaves in a few days for home and I may or may not get to see him over the summer. LNAYX is like Mr. Boxer. I can tell them anything and I’ll never be judged and they will always be brutally honest with me. No reservations. That’s why I keep them as my close friends. They keep me sane and in check.

Moving on to my next and more important issue on the soapbox, FireNY. Since I have had the green light from Peace, I have allowed FireNY to continue his “talking to me”. It’s that awkward getting to know you stage. I approached PR about the situation and after 30 seconds of evaluation her exact response was, “Sounds like a douche, like Bert. Not worth your time.” Ha. This is why I love my friends. Well I decided to still feel out the situation. No need to lose friends over this.

Now my gut told me I wasn’t the only one. I assumed this because he is on his phone 24/7, literally. It is worse than a girl. Now I know that I don’t blow his shit up because I have more important things to do with my life. I have my friends and I like face time. So my wheels started to turn. Who was the jabbering with? Um. Ok. Two people can play at this game, and he doesn’t understand that I am not one to fuck with in situations like this. So what did I do? I backed off completely. I played the friend card. A text about twice a week. Hey how’s it going? How’s the family? Good luck on your test. Blah blah blah. He never talked about anything new that had happened and never talked about the weekends. Interesting. As a matter of fact you could send him messages on the weekends and he won’t respond or would leave shit out. Ummm. So I gave him the rope he needed and sure enough he hung himself. And the best part is he has no idea that he has even been caught.

LNAYX informed me last night that he, FireNY and their other roommate spent Easter together. Really? Interesting, because FireNY definitely left out that LNAYX was with him over Easter. Yet, he was asking me 20 million questions about who I was with. I went down to see my friend Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers BY MYSELF. FireNY, for whatever reason, had a difficult time believing that I traveled alone. Dude, I drove across the country and back by myself. Taking an 8 hour trip to see a friend is cake. Either way, this little bit of information of LNAYX traveling with FireNY over Easter was interesting because FireNY doesn’t want LNAYX to know that we are “talking”. Something didn’t sit right with me about this, and still doesn’t.

Then it all kinda clicked. I like LNAYX. We have a mutual attraction and both of us will admit it to each other. We have no shame saying that out loud. Either way, FireNY knows this. I remember on the first night that he hit on me, he told me that LNAYX had a girl at another college (which I thought was really soon considering he just broke up with his serious girlfriend like a month and a half before). FireNY basically proceeded to throw LNAYX under the bus, and you don’t do that shit to your friends. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Ever since that night the two of them haven’t been over to my apartment together. LNAYX and I chill and shoot the shit on the regular. FireNY knows this and he always asks what we are doing. Talking. Literally. I haven’t done anything with LNAYX. It would just complicate things.

Either way, on Cinco de Mayo, the boys went out and got wasted. LNAYX was supposed to come over. FireNY sent me a message later in the night and asked what I was doing. I was packing to go home for the weekend and LNAYX was supposed to come over to chill. FireNY said that he might come over later with LNAYX. No worries. I don’t give a shit one way or the other. So what happens? LNAYX gets fucked up 10 ways to Sunday at the bar and doesn’t come over. No big deal. He can do what he wants and I had other shit to do anyways. However, FireNY does come over. Ok. Whatever. I’ll enjoy the conversation and continue to pack. Not really a big deal right? Wrong.

So then LNAYX tells me last night that FireNY spent all weekend with his ex-ladyfriend, which he is entitled to do. We aren’t dating. However, what irritates the fuck out of me is that he lied to me about. He chose not to tell the whole truth. CHOOSING NOT TO TELL THE TRUTH IS THE SAME FUCKING THING AS LYING.  So toppled with all this other stuff, I got pissed for a number of reasons.

1. FireNY lied to me by not telling me the truth on more than one occasion.

2. FireNY is attempting to separate LNAYX and I as friends. You do not fuck with my friends. Ever.

3. FireNY is still around his ex. I don’t deal with shit that has baggage.

4. FireNY is playing games with me and he really doesn’t understand how bad of an idea that is.

Congratulations dude. You just fucked up majorly. Two can play at your game and I will win. You can’t make a puppet out of the puppet master bitch.

Variety

I feel like I’m the girl that bounces between clicks. It has suddenly occurred to me while sitting at lacrosse practice that none of my group of guy are actually friends. Let me break it down for you. You have LNAYX and FireNY. Buds of course but they could not be more removed from the thought process and actions of Mr. Breadstick and Mr. Soup. Same goes for Mr. Boxer and Mr. Mosquito.

The groups of guys are almost polar opposites so what boggles me about this is where do I fit in?  How did I honestly become friends with such a wide range of people?

Perhaps the answer is in the fact that I’m a nice person and a social butterfly. I know it has nothing to do with my intelligence. I don’t use my brain for the most part in an large capacity around the boys. If I do it’s rare. But I digress. In all seriousness though, why am I friends with such a variety of people?

Weird. Just weird.

More to come on this topic later. Got to get back to practice and Clapper is getting curious.

Swirling In Thought

Ok ok. So I know I haven’t posted recently. I have been so over whelmed by my own thoughts that I haven’t been able to get anything out on paper, or rather out of my finger tips and on to this here screen. My thoughts have been racing from one situation to the next. Thoughts all pointing to chance…and change.

My job is changing. I’m getting a new one. Don’t know where or what yet but it is going to change. I made my first big girl step and applies for 2 jobs and am networking into a few others hopefully. I’m considering working two jobs just so I can have one that I enjoy. But I’ll keep all that hush hush for the moment. When things work out, and even if they don’t, you’ll hear all about my irrational thoughts at some point.

Along with the job comes the move. The very thing that is driving this ship currently. Driving right out of this state and into another one. Which one, I don’t know, and frankly it doesn’t much matter as long as I can smell the roses, feel the wind, and dance with my eyes closed.Maybe I’ll be by the seaside. Maybe in the mountains. Wherever it is I know I’ll be home because home is where my heart beats the fondest.

Then comes the matter of men. Part of me says “Fuck them all. Literally. And when you come up short handed (Mr. Boxer stop reading here and skip to the next paragraph.) that’s why you have the battery operated boyfriend. The worst thing he can do is die on you. But never fear, your local grocery store is always there.

Another part of me wants to sit back and see who comes to me. Then again I’ve never been very patient. The final part of me wants to go after what I want but my god, what the fuck is that?! I know I’m ready for a relationship but sometimes having choices is too much. There is Mr. Mosquito. Good when we are good. Bad, down right fucking awful when we are at each others throats. It’s a blood bath. He toys with my heart and my emotions and has no fucking idea what he is doing. But never fear, like most (not all) men his age he is a big fat scared pussy. Yes I said it. I’m not going to wait around on his ass to shift into second gear when I’m already there.

Next is Mr. Soup. Fuck he is good. And what he is thinking I have no clue and it drives me nuts!  Sometimes I feel he ia completely incapable of a normal conversation with me. But everytime he is around he turns into a dork, or so Peace says. I’m to busy over thinking and blocking off all emotion.  No no. I can not possibly feel anything right now. It’s an inconvenience.

Then there is the matter of LNAYX, who just recently dumped his girlfriend. May also mention that he told me this on his birthday sober. Well his version of sober anyways. It was his birthday. And this was after he asked me to grab a few beers with him for his birthday, which mind you ended up just being just him and I drinking at my place. We talked deep. Both drunk and sober. He stayed over that night. Nothing, not even a kiss, happened. When we got in bed he snuggled. His idea, not mine, but I’m not saying no to snuggle time. And there it was again. I fit. I fit right there as the little spoon, my head on his arm, his arms wrapped around me pulling me into his chest. Fuck. I even let my “I don’t give a fuck attitude” hang out. I slept with my mouth guard in. No one except for Sunshine sees me in that god awful, necessary thing.

So I guess it’s time to make decisions, even those that require feeling. (Damn. I really am a Samantha/Miranda.) I feel like I’m physically growing up. I’m wearing my big girl pants. I’m going from crawling to toddling into the big bad world. So what prompted all this? Plain and simple. A desire to be happy and free. Some people call me crazy and don’t understand me. My Ma tells me I’m high on life. Personally, I kinda like going to fly a kite in some random obsecure place. At least I know I won’t be bored with the adventure that awaits me.

Dealbreakers

After reading Confessions of a Love Addict’s post, I really got to thinking about my non-negotiables, or as a friend of mine likes to call them, the dealbreakers. These are things that no matter how great the person looks, or how wonderful their personality is, the relationship will absolutely not work. Everybody has these dealbreakers and I damn sure do not have a problem admitting mine. Call it being picky/shallow/having standards that are too high. I don’t care. These are standards that I must have.

1. If you are a mama’s boy, we will not make it.–I learned this lesson back when I was dating Pig. Now that boy loved his mama and I see nothing wrong with that. But when you don’t stand up to your parents and defend me when I have done nothing wrong, we have a problem. A very big problem. Moreover, if you can’t tell your mama no because you “don’t want to hurt her feelings”, not only are you going to piss me off, but I’m going to be the most uncooperative bitch that you have ever seen. Finally, if you ever, and I mean ever, utter the words “well that’s not how my mom does it” to me, I promise you, you won’t do it again.

2. You have to have a job, or at least be looking.–I will not be your suga-mama, and if you think that I will be, you are sadly mislead. You have to be able to stand on your own two feet, just like I do. Because if the bottom falls out of the relationship, you have to be secure enough to be ok. Also, I will not be paying for everything under the sun. Do I mind paying for groceries when I’m cooking? No, but I do mind you eating me out of house and home. Give and take. Give and take.

3. You will not ignore me!–It’s all about communication people. If you can’t carry on an intelligent conversation with me, I can guarantee that I will become very irritated with you very quickly. If you open your mouth and the only thing I hear is one word responses, I’m going to refuse to engage in “conversation” with you. If you ignore me there will be hell to pay. I absolutely cannot stand to be ignored. Just answer the damn question!

4.  You got to have an open mind.–I never get more frustrated than when I have to deal with people who are narrow minded and just plain ignorant. I’m not saying that we have to agree on everything, or that you have to love everything in sight. But I do require that you at least consider and understand the other side of the argument. Otherwise, you will find me tell you that you are an ignorant ass, along with a few other names, and then walking away.

5. You must get along with my boys (and some of my girls).–Plain and simple. You don’t have to like most my girl friends because you don’t have to hang out with them and you can’t get jealous of them. However, you do have to like my boys and certain girl friends for a number of reasons. First, you probably will be spending a good amount of time around them. Second, if you aren’t with me, I’m probably still out with them, so we need to avoid the issue of jealousy. Third, if my boys and my close girls don’t like you, they will tell me. Fourth, if you hurt me, consider the bounty that will be put on your head. Fifth, my friends are a reflection of me, and if you don’t like them, chances are there are parts of me that you aren’t going to like either.

6. There will be no kegs.--Kegs…as in beer guts. I have a standard. If you are not in shape, I’ll vomit when you touch me. I’m not even remotely attracted to men who have a little extra to love. I’m sorry, but it repulses me. Now you don’t have to work out everyday, but you do need to take care of yourself. And as Mr. Boxer put it “if you get fat, we won’t be friends.” So true.

7. You have to travel.–If you sit at home all the time and never have a desire to go, see, and do things, chances are you won’t be spending a lot of time with me. I love to travel, to see new things, to explore and learn. If you don’t want to hop on my train and travel the world with me, then you sure as in hell aren’t going to derail it.

8. Must love my children.–My children, as known as my kids/cats, are my babies. I’m not giving them up just because you don’t like them. Get over it. My kids are my entertainment, silent source of right, they never argue back, and always love me when I get home. That’s more than I can say for most men I have met. So, if you don’t like my kids, then you will be in the liter box.

9. Liar, Liar. Pants on fire. Literally.–Don’t you ever lie to me. Not even little white lies. Also, choosing not to tell the truth is the same thing as lying. I’d rather you say something and we deal with it, versus me finding out on my own, because it’s very likely that I will severely injure you.

10. Finally, you have to know how to dress yourself.–I know this sounds like a bit of an obvious statement, but if you are a grown ass man and you don’t know how to dress, I will judge you. Holes in clothes, unless they are cleaning clothes (or something of that sort) will not fly. You can’t match colors, I will freak out. And since I’m currently panicking thinking about the number of possibilities that could go wrong, I’m just going to stop there. Just know that as an adult, I expect you to dress like one.

The Non-Negotiables

I make incredible demands on myself. Some may call me a perfectionist, others may coin the term “over-achiever”, and I can’t even begin to count the amount of times someone has told me they envy my bravery. But to me, none of these titles really fit who I am because I’ve never thought twice about pushing myself to the extreme or shooting for my dreams – no matter how unattainable they may seem. To me, the most terrifying risk is not giving the th … Read More

via Confessions of a Love Addict

Mr. Boxer Tradition.

Today was the first day that I haven’t cried for my friend. I still feel deep sadness for him, but I think I’m starting to find my peace with it.

In other news, I traveled from Charleston to Virginia Beach today. The morning was peaceful. Perfectly relaxing with coffee and oatmeal. The traveling was cake, comparatively. I arrived in VA Beach to spent a few days with Mr. Boxer and Mr. Mosquito, who is not here. Job interview elsewhere. I realized earlier that this is the first time here that I have had to sleep alone. Honestly, I don’t like the feeling at all. Its always comforting to have someone by your side.

Regardless, we have to weird dynamic on the face of this earth. Its impossible to describe. We are friends, yet Mr. Mosquito gets jealous (in my opinion). He doesn’t even see what is right in front of him. I think, whatever it is, could jump up and down and scream and he would either run or not see it. Moron. I just wish he’d acknowledge it and stop being so afraid.

But I digress. Mr. Boxer and I went to a wonderful dinner. Its like a tradition for us. Don’t knock it. Pasta, sangria, inappropriate conversation. Deliciousness and perfection. Topped off with more excellent conversation and contemplation. Tomorrow is rage night for some. It’ll be epic regardless.