One Thing After Another

Here are the basics.
I’m panicking about not having a job.
I got in a argument with my mother because I’m sick and tired of her asking me for money.
My replacement annoys the shit out of me.
I hate that I have to keep smiling when I’d rather just sit down and scream.
I’m lonely.
I’m tired of people taking advantage of me.
I do not care to repair the relationship with my father even though he seems to think it’s a notable cause.
I really just want to disappear, start over and get away from the leeches in my life.
All of this makes me feel utterly fucking worthless.
I just feel like everyone has their niche. I feel utterly lost in comparison.
It’s like a life crisis at 23 and that is absurd.

Status Quo Failure

Dear FireNY,

First, I’d like to thank you for your time and attention. Second, I’d like to commend you on your efforts of attempting to be a good person. However, I am reluctant to inform you that your efforts have fall short of the status quo, just as Peace and PR predicted.

You see when I first met you, I mistakenly thoguht that you were innocent. I was quickly proven wrong by your adventurous notions with Peace with an unregard care for your girlfriend at the time. However, that is not my bone to pick with you. It is Peace’s. But shame on you son.

See my faults with you lie with in this very sentence. Your ways of wording tell the whole story when you only speak half the truth. You dig your own grave and are too busy looking up to realize you are sinking, and quickly might I had at that.

Have you ever heard the term “give them just enough rope to hang themselves”. If not, you have now. Moreover, it is exactly what you have done. I gave you the rope and you made the noose and hung yourself from a tree. The best part is that you have no idea. You think your riding the high life.

Like I said, I regret to inform you that you are in fact not.

You started off on the wrong foot. Right off the bat you threw your best friend under the bus to me. You put him down, stepped on him, shoved his face on the mud and kept on getting it. Shame on you. I overlooked this momentarily until I had the chance to really talk to him. I adore him and you should never be an ass to him again. Consider that your warning for the future.

Then, without your knowing, I caught you in a whole slew of lies. First, you lied about your best friend even being with you on vacation. Mistake. You shouldn’t lie about petty shit. Second, you lied about that one weekend I was away. You said you were drinking beers with a friend. Which was true, but it was only half of the truth. May I remind you that only telling half of the truth is the same as lying. You should know that dear. You were in fact throwing a few back, but what you neglected to inform me of was that it wasn’t at a bar. It was at your ex girlfriend’s house. Now see this would not normally be an issue but when you are attempting to gain someone’s trust you never lead this on an unsound trail. Furthermore, your ex is a psychotic nut and you dog her been her back. Faking it to her face is just rude, inconsiderate, and unfair to all parties involved.

After these two lies where uncovered, I tuned into you. See the first two lies didn’t hurt me, far from it actually, but you did piss me off. You were taking advantage of a perfectly nice woman, as far as you knew.

The thing is that I’m only a perfectly nice girl on the surface. Underneath and when provoked, which you did, I am a bitch. See you were playing games with me, which I knew all along. I decided to play along because I didn’t realize the depth of these games. But what you failed to realized is that you ever play me and you never ever play games with me. I will win and you will end up equalling chew up gum on the bottom of my shoe in my book.

So I set back and like your game run its course. I knew it would only be a matter of time before you lied again. It only took about 3 weeks. You told a half truth again. You said you promised to come see me over a weekend. I let you believe that I was excited for the adventure, but in reality I knew you were bullshitting straight to my face. Takes one to know one hun. The weekend came and went. I let it pass calmly.

A few days after the weekend you messaged me. Ah, yes. The famous I’m going to make promises I won’t keep, not show or communicate anything for the period of time that I was suppose to be present, and then talk to you after the fact with light heartedness, I miss yous, and other meaningful bullshit to rope me in again. Bravo. Such a well thought out original plan. I really applaud you for your efforts in diversification. You make a grand appeal.

Either way, I played along. And as I predicted you made a faulty miss step. You made mention of the fact that you went to Bruce’s graduation party. Oh dear. See that was my key. It told me that you were in my area over the weekend and that you didn’t make the each effort to come see me because you were playing me. Shame on you again.

So here is what is going to happen. I’m going to turn on my heel and walk away but before I do I must make a few things clear. One, if you ever throw our mutual friends, especially LNAYX, under the bus again, I will publically humiliate you. Two, if you ever fuck with Peace again without her wanting you to, her problems with you will become my problems and I do not respond well to cheaters. Three, if you attempt to make advances toward me in the future I’m going to lead you on repeatedly and frustrate the fuck out of you. Four, I feel it would be hypocritical of me not to inform you of my intended use of you in the first place. I only entertained the idea of you as a summer fling. If you don’t believe me, ask Sunshine. I made the summer fling announcement in her kitchen. But I digress. See my sex friend at the time was MIA and I needed some loving. Your dick and meaningless sex with you suited my needs. Don’t be a pussy and cry about it.  Five, you need to get the fuck out of the game. Your skills are shitty as hell and I can’t believe you even thought you could play your games reasonably well enough to not get caught. You’re truly a dumbass if you still believe that. Finally, remember you can’t play a player bitch. 

Fuck off with peace and love,


P.S. I think The Band Perry says it best:
“Because you lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man’s floor and you lie like a coon dog basking in the sunshine on my porch. Well you lie like a penny in a parking lot at the grocery store. It just comes way too natural to you. The way you lie.”


I went to confession today with Mr. Breadstick.

Mr. Breadstick: “Where is that storm? How’s the ol beach? Gotten any darker?”

Me: “No idea. I haven’t watched the weather channel in a few days. Perhaps it was pushed north?  The beach is good. Had the lifeguards come by for the first time. Got starred at. It was awkward. We now have neighborhors too. And yes. I am really dark. How’s base? Better than in days past?”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hahah you got oggled? Because you are so dark perhaps? The neighbors cool? It’s better, but still gay. PT test at 5 am today, waiting around to go on a ruck with like an empty ruck. Pointless? I think so but the days are better. There is a gym really close and its been useful.”

Me: “Yes I got oggled. I’m blaming it on Sunshine. The blondes. They are always lookers. I hate having neighbors down here. They disturb the peace. How did the PT test go? And yea a ruck march with an empty ruck …pointless. Maybe it’s more for those who don’t do ruck marches like the school does.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Haha Did you feel gross, attractive, or indifferent? Uh PT test went well, maxed everything but the run with time to spare, and I did a minute better on the run than last time. The ruck should be whatever, apparently its slow as fuck.”

Me: “I don’t know what I felt.  Have been doing a lot of thinking while I’ve been down here and I really don’t know why I do the things I do sometimes. But I still have no regrets about the decisions I have made. Good job on the pt test and day dream on your ruck. It’ll pass the time on your Sunday stroll. Ha”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hahah think it’s saturday Nelson =p. Thinking going well? Feel progress at all? I’m pretty sure we gotta work sunday and monday. In a week or so, we should be clearing our stx lanes, and be doing work work. Have you been to louisville?”

Me: “Sunday Saturday. Psh. Minor details. Thinking is going. thoughts are all over the place and probably will be until I get settled somewhere. Let’s hope they subside at some point and this isn’t a marathon of analysis like it was last time. Thinking about that makes my head hurt. This is going to sound really dumb but what the hell is a stx lane? Understand a lot of lingo but I do not get that one. I have never been to Louisville but I’ve driven past it a lot. Ha. Only been to base once and that was 2 years ago.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Over analysis isn’t good. Sometimes you need to think about it, and then just go with it. Not get too caught up in it. Stx lanes is what we do at school w blanks n shit, tactics. so I should be opfor.”

Me: “I know but sometimes its like I obess over a topic until I find an answer. Not healthy but its like I can’t turn off my brain. Ah. Ok. That makes more sense to me. Opfor is a good position right?”

Mr. Breadstick: “Better than being stuck in a building as S1 or S3 working 12hr shifts under some douchebag who is overbearing and a number nazi.”

Me: “Hahhahaha. Well put!!!! I had isn’t mental images of Dog and Boobs.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Basically, but you can’t sass these people. Hahha oh Train came up to me grad day, put his hand out. I shook it, he said good luck. I said good luck with your 16 standards sir. He wasn’t happy.”

Me: “Ha. You’re such an ass Mr. Breadstick and I’m so happy you said that. At least you took the high road and didn’t say anything about Mease.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Yea, I talked to Smelly about her, and he outlined it in a pretty honest manner, admitted it looks bad, but hey this is what shes dealing with so I dropped it.”

Me: “At least he was honest with you. I’ll give him props for that. I like him but I don’t trust him.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Smelly? I’ve  actually come to respect him. He’s a nervous nelly, but you just gotta calm him down and he pretty much shot straight with me. I was really to the point with him, so that mighta helped.”

Me: “Yea true but I have seen the way he operates. I feel like he’d burn you in a hot minute. That’s why I don’t let him get too close. Any of the staff members for that matter.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Oh yea he would if like someone did shit they really weren’t supposed to, but at least he’s honest about it? Dog SGM, Train, and Boss especially  seem deceptive?”

Me: “Yeah I know which is why I keep him away from me. Perception is reality to most for them. I like Dog. We can relate about a lot of things but I don’t discuss anything but general topics with him and he feeds into it. I love SGM. He can be a real ass sometimes but he has feelings and he tells you what he thinks. I don’t get close to him though because I don’t like his wife. She’s a cunt. Train is ok. Too closed minded for my taste. Boss I could be friends with but once again his wife is a problem. Plus its better to keep your boss as far from your personal affairs as possible.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hmm reoccurring problem much?”

Me: “Yes. Ha. I don’t really get along with most women and most women find me threatening anyways. I play nice for a while but when I can see straight through their bullshit I get irritated and decide that its not worth the trouble. I have lost many friends over women being jealous territorial bitches.”

Mr. Breadstick: “That is true. Hey at least you aren’t one!”

Me: “I’m not. Use to be then I realized how utterly stupid it was. I am much more direct when I need to be now and it has paid off.”

Mr. Breadstick: “It does indeed work.”

Me: “It is however under appreciated.”

We have a such constructive conversations.

Stomping On My Brain

Oh my god! I can NOT get Clapper out of my head today.

I made the…fuck I don’t even know what to call it. Here’s the basic point that you need to know. I have allowed myself to be mildly vulnerable to Clapper. We had late night conversation last night. I was open and honest. Myself. It was weird. We chatted until 1AM. I felt like I was in high school again. Ickkk.

But today. Oh my. Everything fucking reminded me of him. The song in the car, driving down the road, everything. From the moment I woke up he was on my brain like a leech. It is driving me nuts! 

I think the real issue is that I like him and I am allowing him to get close.

God help me.

Sunshine Is Beyond Random


Today was a highly adventurous day for Sunshine and I. We started off the day late but made our way to the beach which ended as quickly as it started. Why you ask? Simple. The wind was blowing at 20 miles per hour across the sand. If you don’t know what that means I’ll break it down for you. You’re standing there enjoy the waves and the breeze. Ah yes. What a nice breeze. Then it starts to sting. Ow. Ow. Owwwww. It get worse. It’s like being sand blasted constantly at different speeds. It fucking hurts!

So we made our way back to the driveway. I washed the truck, got hit on by the man checking the telephone poles. Awkward. Real awkward.

I ran in my Vibrams today. It was nice. Going to take a bit to adjust to them, but it felt good.

After this all, sense for Sunshine and I went out the window, completely. We discussed what it would be like to go through life without thumbs. The picture above is how Sunshine would drink water. (Blonde moment clearly.)

But in keeping with Sunshine’s randomness, this scene occurred.  We were watching a show about this man was having reconstructive surgery on his face and she looks at me, dead pan face, and goes “google pregnant midgets”. No lie.

But that was after I said this to her: “Damn I need to keep you around more often. You made my bed, you fixed my food, you washed my clothes and folded them, you washed the dishes, and you just spoon fed me. Why don’t you have a boyfriend again?” I’m such as ass. Ha. Our friend told me he’d punch me.

Finally, we topped off the night with with this quote “We are grown ass women trying to make fart noises with our armpits.”

(We failed by the way.)

Another rare thing about today is that I have literally talked to everyone today. Clapper with his random comments about the place that I’m staying. Mr. Soup and his serious comment about being serious and territorial. My friend from Cali. Mr. Delicious and well us just being normal friends. Mr. Breadstick and our general conversations. Ma. Peace and Gaga. Romeo and Juliet. Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers and our crazy in tune thoughts. And finally iamsohip and James Taylor, among other things.

What a day. Time for late night sexting. Hot damnnn.


I have finally decided, after much discussion with Peace, that I am going to go on a date with Clapper. Like a legit date where you dress up and act all perfect…only I don’t really care to fake it unless it’s necessary.

Anyways, Clapper owes me an Applebee’s 2 for 20 and I am going to collect. Personally going to dinner as a date is just not my thing. Its awkward and it never fails that someone asks you a question while you have your mouth full. I would much rather go to the drive in movie, go to a ball game, go hiking, etc. Anything but go to dinner.

But I digress. What started this change of heart with Clapper is really quiet simple. For those of you who don’t know this, I rarely dream, and by rarely I mean like once every 5 to 10 years. I hate to dream. However, the other night I in fact dreamt about Clapper.

It was a simple dream. We were in bed. I was laying on my back and he was as well. His arm was under my head and we were just sleeping. That’s it. Just sleeping. But the feeling that I got was nothing but pure comfort and relaxation. It was odd and scared the shit out of me. As I said I don’t like to dream. I have my reasons.

Nevertheless after much pondering I made a decision that it was a sign and I need to stop blowing Clapper off. I need to grow a pair and stop pussy footing around. He is a good guy with a lot going for him and I should give him the respect that he deserves.

But with that said Sunshine as given me a list of things that I am not allowed to talk about on the first date, or for a while really.
1. Do not talk about the dead cat and hamsters on the bookshelf.
2. Do not tell him that you listen to Marylin Manson.
3. Do not tell him that when you were a kid you wanted to be a mortican.
4. Do not tell him you have 3 cats.
5. Do not mention that you are highly intrigued by Charles Manson.
6. Do not say a word about your undying love for Abe Lincoln.
7. Do not tell him that you don’t shave often in the winter months…bear.
8. Never ever blow your nose. It’s not sexy!