Just My Luck Dude

Girl meets boy. Boy meets girl. Both hit it off. Have a fantastic date. Moving forward to more dates, bumping uglies, and making future plans.

Then boy stops abruptly speaking to girl. Girl thinks it’s her. It’s always her. It always happens to her.

Attempts to communicate, to find an answer go unanswered. It’s always her.

Pain seeps out. Hurt. Anger. Sadness. Zero self worth. It’s always her.

Girl wakes up one day and says, “Fuck the world.” It’s not her.

Boy misses out on a great catch. A smart, beautiful, talented, hard working woman. It’s not her.

Girl focuses on her career because her career will never leave her. Boy will.

Girl, it’s just your luck dude.

Letter Update

Dear Key Pal [Mr. Greek],

Yes. I met a dude at a bar and had a healthy conversation. His name is [Waynesboro]. Since then it has been polite hello’s and excuse me’s. But that’s it and I’m cool with it. He’s one of those quiet nice guys that never gets noticed. Which is all well and fine but I’m not going out of my way to make friends.

However, the man front is ever changing and I have a new flavor of the month. His name is [Sunny] and he lives in California. I knew him prior to him moving there but I really know how to pick them right? At least sex can’t complicate this one. Only distance, which is exactly why the last relationship bit the dust. Well he also sucked at communication. Nevertheless, that’s where the revolving door of men currently stands.

Also, can’t remember if I told you or not but I had surgery last month. Just got my results back and I’m in the clear. Whoop!

And I’m making cookies tomorrow.

How’s your life? Ballin out in the desert?

Sincerely,

Key Pal [Nelson]

Wedding vs. Marriage

After reading the article below, I had a moment of revelation. I saw the light. The light bulb was burning bright in my head. This is Goose.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/01/living/wedding-marriage-splits/index.html

Background: Goose and I have been friends since high school. I’m not really sure why but we are somehow still friends. Goose is and always has been insane when it comes to men. I’ve never known her to be without a men for more than a week. Typically she doesn’t leave one man until she has another lined up. She is truly one of those women who cannot live without a man.

Throughout most of our high school years she dated one guy. One of those on-again, off-again things. Mostly on though. She was totally engrossed with him. He was all she could see. After we graduated she continued on with her relationship. She broke up with him for about a year at one point. But never fear they got back together.

In June of 2010 they got married and planned their happily ever after.

Modern Day: She filed for divorce about a year after she got married. I was shocked. Honestly floored. We discussed some of the issues they were having, and she did keep a great deal to herself. I assume (not having been in the situation) that there are just things that she knows but never wants to say aloud.

I asked her at one point if she knew on her wedding day that she didn’t want to get married. She said yes. I asked her why she did then. She replied with “Because I was doing what everyone else wanted me to do.”

I don’t get it. How can you get married and know that you really didn’t want to? Again, floored but this information.

But never fear, there are more surprises in store. She cheated on her husband. An emotional affair with just a kiss, but nonetheless cheating. She is still with the guy. She’s a hopeless romantic honestly. They’ve been together for 4 months. I see both good and bad in the relationship. He encourages her alot to write, develop her music, dance, expand her mind. Again, all positive things, which I’m very grateful for.

But here’s the kicker. He’s still married (in the process of divorce) and has a child. (Wait for it) And they are discussing marriage! 

Again, insane!  I really am trying to be supportive but things like this make me never ever ever want to get married. It’s scary as hell.

I also worry that she is going to jump into something and later realize it was a horrible idea. One divorce was hard enough. Two would nearly kill her. Not to mention the fact that the whole idea of marriage has been completely defiled.

Marriage is like a new game. It’s just for sport and I don’t want to play because the rules are too damn crazy!

Wayward Of The Great Big Highway

So Clapper and I dated for give or take 6 months, officially and unofficially. We had a wonderful relationship of convinence. We fell into a stay over relationship. I went to his place to stay but only after 9PM and to sleep, maybe have sex but even that only happened twice / three times? We went out to the bar sometimes. Me with my friends. Him with his. Never together. We never ate together. No real dates. No friend / family introductions. It was, again, a relationship of convinence.

We enjoyed spending time with each other but as far as connecting, getting close, forging meaningful connections…totally not happening. We lived in the moment with no plans or intentions for the future.

But there was a problem. I let myself care. I allowed myself to let my guard down (at the encouragement of many). And it was going well until he decided to move to Michigan. 3 weeks later he was gone and little did I know it but so was “us”. Slowly he forgot about me. He didn’t miss me. Or if he did, he didn’t care enough to tell me. Communication was sub par at best and despite my clear expression of how this needed to improve in order for “us” to make it, communication stopped. After 2 weeks I considered our relationship expired and gone wayward of the great big highway, much like he physically did.

I started to think: Honestly, I’m numb as they come at the moment. I don’t want to even make an effort with men. Why should I? I’m used up. I’m clearly only an object of sexually attraction or momentary fulfillment. I don’t have the care to pursue a relationship. I’m too single. I’m too free. I’m too me to be a part of anyone else. It’ll always be just me. I honestly believe I’ll never get married and no babies either. 

Oddly enough, upon making this declaration to myself. I start noticing men knocking at my door. I’ve had one begin to actively pursue me with daily communication. I had another announce that he would do the work to get me. Both of which have flabbergasted me. And neither of which I’m going to bend over backwards for.

Apparently acting like you don’t give a fuck anymore attracts men in droves.

Stroke It Out

So this week as been damn right awful. It started off with 102 degree fever and being sick for 3 days. Thursday wasn’t too bad. Spend all day with Sunshine in the Sunshine. Took Shen to the vet, which was a bit of a nightmare. I can’t stand it when other people can’t control their animals. I don’t want your dog in my dog’s personal space. Please and thank you.

Friday came and with it came hell on wheels. We put my grandmother in the hospital. She wasn’t making any sense. She was talking but her words weren’t coming out correctly. For instance she would try to ask for a glass of water and it would come out as “I glass ice.”

Long story short, I got to sleep in the hospital Friday evening. Saturday came with a confirmed diagnosis of a stroke. Some of her speech and writing may come back with time, but all of it may not. So we are in for long all now.

The rest of Saturday, however, went much much better. I went to see Iamsohip. We had an excellent evening consisting of bitching without judgment, boozing, and boys. We went out to a local bar where I got to see LNAYX. God I have missed him! We got to hang and talk about the rest of summer. I got to hang out with Mr. Delicious as well. Turns out, by the way, that I am going to Ring Figure with him. Holla. Now I gots to finds a dress.

And the best part of the evening was when Clapper came and picked me up. We went home and (Mr. Boxer stop reading here and go to the next paragraph) did the dirty. I got me a unicorn. Hot damn! It was wonderful. He dropped the r word, “relationship”, and I didn’t fight it. We, Clapper and I, are in a relationship. It has been established.

I gots me a unicorn.

Free Thinking

Whimsy challenged others to answer the 50 questions on the website, just as she did.  There are no right or wrong answers. Just a flow of free thinking.

Challenge accepted.

Ready.
Set.
Go.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 27. Old enough to be taken seriously, but young enough to still have fun without having judgment passed.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying because then you always wonder “what if”. For me, that is one of the worse possible things ever.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Easy. We do the things we don’t like because we feel obligated too by society or others around us, but we like many things that we don’t do because those are the things that we really want to do. Those are the things that our soul wants to dance with.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? No. Actions speak louder than words and my work should speak for itself.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? The importance of cultural enrichment and that when you are doing something that doesn’t make you happy…change it.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Being free, and doing something greater than myself.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Currently I’m transitioning. I’m moving toward something that I love. I know better than to settle.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? No. I make everyday what it should be. Things will happen or they won’t. In the mean time I’m not going to worry about it.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? A larger degree. I am responsible for my own happiness and I’m not going to let someone tell me how to live my life.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. Your honor is all you have in the end.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Stop them. I remind them to never pass judgment on someone they don’t know. At the same time if they do know the person, then they are entitled to their opinion but I would ask them to refrain from talking about them negatively in front of me.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Decide what is real.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? No but this would be a glorious thing to witness.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Think. I think a lot differently than others.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because those are the things that light up my soul. Everyone is different.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? Live overseas. The only thing holding me back is finding a job.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes. Always.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? State–Montana. It is so beautiful and it makes me feel at peace. Country–Not sure. Probably somewhere in Europe.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? I only push the button once.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful simpleton. No need to worry ones head off about things you can’t control.
22. Why are you, you? My past makes me who I am but it does not define my future.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes. I will do anything for my friends. I love them all dearly.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend who lives near.
25. What are you most grateful for? My mother teaching me to never settle for anything.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Lose all my old memories. If you could never make new ones, it means that you would never live.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? If you honestly believe in it, yes.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Yes. Many times.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? Yes and yes. It defined my relationship with my father.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? It’s not a single memory but a number of feelings that I remember from childhood that always occurred around Sunshine. She’s my rock.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Now. Right now with Clapper.
32. If not now, then when? Immediately. Never delay for you may not have tomorrow to play.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Nothing.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Absolutely. Those are some of my favorite memories.
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because people will die for what they love and anything that challenges it.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No. Too many things wade in the gray area.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Yes, but only after I got a job doing something that I love.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work that I actually enjoy. Makes you feel much more accomplished.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yes. I don’t like the repeat button.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Honestly I haven’t the slightest clue and that’s disappointing.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? No one. I’d count my blessings with Mother Nature.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No. Beauty is only skin deep.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive means that you are going through life doing nothing profound. Living means that you are actively participating in your life.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? After about 30 seconds. Makes head and tails of the situation and just go with your gut. If you are wrong then you will learn something.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Making a mistake means you fail. Failure is frowned upon by society.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Nothing really. I do what I want now and don’t really care what people think. I am me. You are going to like me or you aren’t.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? When I was sick. So winter time I suppose.
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love being free, and a majority of my recent actions clearly display this.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? I’ll remember a few things, like rescuing kittens with Iamsohip, because it is an action bigger than myself. I’ll remember Flag Day, because it’s Clapper’s birthday.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Making them for myself. I am responsible for my own life.

I came across this website that listed 50 questions that would free your mind.  There’s no right or wrong answer.  So.  I will now expose my mind via blog by answering 25 of the 50 questions.  I encourage you to do the same.  You’d be surprised at what you’re forced to reflect on. 1)  How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I’d be the toddler who gets pissed at herself for falling down, but gets back up anyway. 2)  Which is worse … Read More

via Whimsy

First Time

There were lots of first times this weekend. First time going further north than NYC. First time going to Canada. First time meeting LNAYX’s parents. First time spending quality one on one time with LNAYX. First time telling LNAYX of FireNY’s lies. First time being completely speechless and not being able to explain the why with LNAYX. First time having perfectly natural sex with LNAYX. First time I really missed Clapper. First time I realized that LNAYX and I have something rare, and equally realizing that it’s kinda like that with Clapper as well. First time that I acknowledged that I could easily be content with LNAYX as long as he kept his dick exclusive.

But even at the end of the weekend all I want to do is crawl in Clapper’s arms and sleep easy.

Play Date

As a grown woman I feel like I’m entitled to an adult play date, and by damn it I had one last night. Now it’s not what you think. There was no bumping of the uglies. There was however a wonderful make out sesh followed by a peaceful, easy, relaxed sleep.

It was nice. Real nice. It felt right. Effortless. Happy. Really happy. Like a level of happiness I haven’t felt in a really long time. I call it my quiet happy. I’m so happy that I’m perfectly content in the space of the person and don’t need to utter a word. My heart rate agrees with this too. It also relaxes with the rest of my body. I’m talking like down in the low 40s. I love it. It’s like my own little self induced high.

I have another play date for next week and I can’t wait. Absolutely cannot wait.

The best part is that I legitimately think Clapper feels the same way.

Status Quo Failure

Dear FireNY,

First, I’d like to thank you for your time and attention. Second, I’d like to commend you on your efforts of attempting to be a good person. However, I am reluctant to inform you that your efforts have fall short of the status quo, just as Peace and PR predicted.

You see when I first met you, I mistakenly thoguht that you were innocent. I was quickly proven wrong by your adventurous notions with Peace with an unregard care for your girlfriend at the time. However, that is not my bone to pick with you. It is Peace’s. But shame on you son.

See my faults with you lie with in this very sentence. Your ways of wording tell the whole story when you only speak half the truth. You dig your own grave and are too busy looking up to realize you are sinking, and quickly might I had at that.

Have you ever heard the term “give them just enough rope to hang themselves”. If not, you have now. Moreover, it is exactly what you have done. I gave you the rope and you made the noose and hung yourself from a tree. The best part is that you have no idea. You think your riding the high life.

Like I said, I regret to inform you that you are in fact not.

You started off on the wrong foot. Right off the bat you threw your best friend under the bus to me. You put him down, stepped on him, shoved his face on the mud and kept on getting it. Shame on you. I overlooked this momentarily until I had the chance to really talk to him. I adore him and you should never be an ass to him again. Consider that your warning for the future.

Then, without your knowing, I caught you in a whole slew of lies. First, you lied about your best friend even being with you on vacation. Mistake. You shouldn’t lie about petty shit. Second, you lied about that one weekend I was away. You said you were drinking beers with a friend. Which was true, but it was only half of the truth. May I remind you that only telling half of the truth is the same as lying. You should know that dear. You were in fact throwing a few back, but what you neglected to inform me of was that it wasn’t at a bar. It was at your ex girlfriend’s house. Now see this would not normally be an issue but when you are attempting to gain someone’s trust you never lead this on an unsound trail. Furthermore, your ex is a psychotic nut and you dog her been her back. Faking it to her face is just rude, inconsiderate, and unfair to all parties involved.

After these two lies where uncovered, I tuned into you. See the first two lies didn’t hurt me, far from it actually, but you did piss me off. You were taking advantage of a perfectly nice woman, as far as you knew.

The thing is that I’m only a perfectly nice girl on the surface. Underneath and when provoked, which you did, I am a bitch. See you were playing games with me, which I knew all along. I decided to play along because I didn’t realize the depth of these games. But what you failed to realized is that you ever play me and you never ever play games with me. I will win and you will end up equalling chew up gum on the bottom of my shoe in my book.

So I set back and like your game run its course. I knew it would only be a matter of time before you lied again. It only took about 3 weeks. You told a half truth again. You said you promised to come see me over a weekend. I let you believe that I was excited for the adventure, but in reality I knew you were bullshitting straight to my face. Takes one to know one hun. The weekend came and went. I let it pass calmly.

A few days after the weekend you messaged me. Ah, yes. The famous I’m going to make promises I won’t keep, not show or communicate anything for the period of time that I was suppose to be present, and then talk to you after the fact with light heartedness, I miss yous, and other meaningful bullshit to rope me in again. Bravo. Such a well thought out original plan. I really applaud you for your efforts in diversification. You make a grand appeal.

Either way, I played along. And as I predicted you made a faulty miss step. You made mention of the fact that you went to Bruce’s graduation party. Oh dear. See that was my key. It told me that you were in my area over the weekend and that you didn’t make the each effort to come see me because you were playing me. Shame on you again.

So here is what is going to happen. I’m going to turn on my heel and walk away but before I do I must make a few things clear. One, if you ever throw our mutual friends, especially LNAYX, under the bus again, I will publically humiliate you. Two, if you ever fuck with Peace again without her wanting you to, her problems with you will become my problems and I do not respond well to cheaters. Three, if you attempt to make advances toward me in the future I’m going to lead you on repeatedly and frustrate the fuck out of you. Four, I feel it would be hypocritical of me not to inform you of my intended use of you in the first place. I only entertained the idea of you as a summer fling. If you don’t believe me, ask Sunshine. I made the summer fling announcement in her kitchen. But I digress. See my sex friend at the time was MIA and I needed some loving. Your dick and meaningless sex with you suited my needs. Don’t be a pussy and cry about it.  Five, you need to get the fuck out of the game. Your skills are shitty as hell and I can’t believe you even thought you could play your games reasonably well enough to not get caught. You’re truly a dumbass if you still believe that. Finally, remember you can’t play a player bitch. 

Fuck off with peace and love,

Nelson

P.S. I think The Band Perry says it best:
“Because you lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man’s floor and you lie like a coon dog basking in the sunshine on my porch. Well you lie like a penny in a parking lot at the grocery store. It just comes way too natural to you. The way you lie.”

Confession

I went to confession today with Mr. Breadstick.

Mr. Breadstick: “Where is that storm? How’s the ol beach? Gotten any darker?”

Me: “No idea. I haven’t watched the weather channel in a few days. Perhaps it was pushed north?  The beach is good. Had the lifeguards come by for the first time. Got starred at. It was awkward. We now have neighborhors too. And yes. I am really dark. How’s base? Better than in days past?”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hahah you got oggled? Because you are so dark perhaps? The neighbors cool? It’s better, but still gay. PT test at 5 am today, waiting around to go on a ruck with like an empty ruck. Pointless? I think so but the days are better. There is a gym really close and its been useful.”

Me: “Yes I got oggled. I’m blaming it on Sunshine. The blondes. They are always lookers. I hate having neighbors down here. They disturb the peace. How did the PT test go? And yea a ruck march with an empty ruck …pointless. Maybe it’s more for those who don’t do ruck marches like the school does.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Haha Did you feel gross, attractive, or indifferent? Uh PT test went well, maxed everything but the run with time to spare, and I did a minute better on the run than last time. The ruck should be whatever, apparently its slow as fuck.”

Me: “I don’t know what I felt.  Have been doing a lot of thinking while I’ve been down here and I really don’t know why I do the things I do sometimes. But I still have no regrets about the decisions I have made. Good job on the pt test and day dream on your ruck. It’ll pass the time on your Sunday stroll. Ha”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hahah think it’s saturday Nelson =p. Thinking going well? Feel progress at all? I’m pretty sure we gotta work sunday and monday. In a week or so, we should be clearing our stx lanes, and be doing work work. Have you been to louisville?”

Me: “Sunday Saturday. Psh. Minor details. Thinking is going. thoughts are all over the place and probably will be until I get settled somewhere. Let’s hope they subside at some point and this isn’t a marathon of analysis like it was last time. Thinking about that makes my head hurt. This is going to sound really dumb but what the hell is a stx lane? Understand a lot of lingo but I do not get that one. I have never been to Louisville but I’ve driven past it a lot. Ha. Only been to base once and that was 2 years ago.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Over analysis isn’t good. Sometimes you need to think about it, and then just go with it. Not get too caught up in it. Stx lanes is what we do at school w blanks n shit, tactics. so I should be opfor.”

Me: “I know but sometimes its like I obess over a topic until I find an answer. Not healthy but its like I can’t turn off my brain. Ah. Ok. That makes more sense to me. Opfor is a good position right?”

Mr. Breadstick: “Better than being stuck in a building as S1 or S3 working 12hr shifts under some douchebag who is overbearing and a number nazi.”

Me: “Hahhahaha. Well put!!!! I had isn’t mental images of Dog and Boobs.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Basically, but you can’t sass these people. Hahha oh Train came up to me grad day, put his hand out. I shook it, he said good luck. I said good luck with your 16 standards sir. He wasn’t happy.”

Me: “Ha. You’re such an ass Mr. Breadstick and I’m so happy you said that. At least you took the high road and didn’t say anything about Mease.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Yea, I talked to Smelly about her, and he outlined it in a pretty honest manner, admitted it looks bad, but hey this is what shes dealing with so I dropped it.”

Me: “At least he was honest with you. I’ll give him props for that. I like him but I don’t trust him.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Smelly? I’ve  actually come to respect him. He’s a nervous nelly, but you just gotta calm him down and he pretty much shot straight with me. I was really to the point with him, so that mighta helped.”

Me: “Yea true but I have seen the way he operates. I feel like he’d burn you in a hot minute. That’s why I don’t let him get too close. Any of the staff members for that matter.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Oh yea he would if like someone did shit they really weren’t supposed to, but at least he’s honest about it? Dog SGM, Train, and Boss especially  seem deceptive?”

Me: “Yeah I know which is why I keep him away from me. Perception is reality to most for them. I like Dog. We can relate about a lot of things but I don’t discuss anything but general topics with him and he feeds into it. I love SGM. He can be a real ass sometimes but he has feelings and he tells you what he thinks. I don’t get close to him though because I don’t like his wife. She’s a cunt. Train is ok. Too closed minded for my taste. Boss I could be friends with but once again his wife is a problem. Plus its better to keep your boss as far from your personal affairs as possible.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hmm reoccurring problem much?”

Me: “Yes. Ha. I don’t really get along with most women and most women find me threatening anyways. I play nice for a while but when I can see straight through their bullshit I get irritated and decide that its not worth the trouble. I have lost many friends over women being jealous territorial bitches.”

Mr. Breadstick: “That is true. Hey at least you aren’t one!”

Me: “I’m not. Use to be then I realized how utterly stupid it was. I am much more direct when I need to be now and it has paid off.”

Mr. Breadstick: “It does indeed work.”

Me: “It is however under appreciated.”

We have a such constructive conversations.