You Can’t Play A Player

I love nothing more than logging into Facebook in the morning and checking up on the latest news with friends. I go through newly posted pictures and articles, comment here and there. Nothing big. Just part of my morning routine. Just like checking the news. However, I do find myself mildly irritated when I find out big news via Facebook. Personally, Facebook should never replace a phone call or face-to-face conversation when it comes to important events. Regardless, my favorite excuse is finding out something via Facebook because the person didn’t have the guts to tell you to your face. Picture it. This morning. Logged on. Scrolling through the newsfeed.

“Oh, Ms. So and So is mad about her boyfriend again. Oh, Mr. XX drank too much last night. Poor thing. Oh, Mr. Delicious is in a relation……WHAT THE FUCK! A RELATIONSHIP!!!! How is he in a relationship?!?! Him and I were talking and now he is in a relationship?!” Deep breath. “Actually this is ok. We were just talking. I can’t be mad at the situation although I’m irritated that I found out via Facebook.” Evil laughter. “It’s really ok because he thought he was playing me and he was going to get away with it. NOT! One, I already had a feeling. Two, I’m playing him like a fiddle at a bluegrass festival.”

Ladies and gentlemen, you can’t play a player. I am not a person to play games with because I can play them better and I always get what I want in the end. Mr. Delicious, you can buzz off because there are better fish in the sea and I’m done frying you.  I guess it’s time to adjust my ranking order of men.

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Flight Recommendations

I love to fly. I really do. I have a system. Read in the airport, sleep like a baby on the plane! I always take my full size pillow with me (don’t worry I change the pillow case after travel). I always get the window seat as it is a prime spot for nappage. I have had some terrible experiences flying but overall its always a good experience. However I do have a few grievances but they are with passengers, not planes.

People say yes to the shower right before you fly. I, as well as others on the plane, do not want to smell you. If I can, I’m probably going to puke. Two, if you sit next to me, I’m your row buddy, not your caddy high school friend. I’m polite but if I’m giving you the stop sentence of the conversation, don’t keep trying. If you fly with kids, please, please, I beg you please make sure they have manners. If its a baby, give the poor thing something to satisfy itself. Bring food, water, and a “stop making noise” devise. Finally, a plane is like a library, please remain quiet. Entertain yourself and keep your attitude positive.

Ladies and gentleman, thank you for flying with Pernelson airlines. Please enjoy your flight.

PS I’m heading to South Beach Miami!

Butts, Boobs, and Nakedness

Why are men seemingly fixated on butts, boobs, and nakedness? I mean seriously, I do not see what is so incredibly fascinating. There are millions of butts and boobs. All various shapes, sizes and colors. They’re wonderful to accent when needed; however, I don’t want to see the nakedness. When I combined butts, boobs, and nakedness, the only thing I want to see is art.

Now I am all for girls checking out other girls. You have to check on the competition. However, I do not seen the need to stare for long periods of time. Even if I see a man with a delicious bottom, I do not see the need to stare at his ass like its going out of style. At the same time, I appreciate a girl with a nice set of boobs (generally because I’m jealous and she should work what she has) but I’m not going to stare at her boobs instead of her face.  And I’m sure I can speak for the ladies when I say “Eyes up mister.”

What amazes me is when guys do not understand a girl getting angry at him for staring. I am guilty of this. If I have caught a guy starring for a ridiculously long time, I will be THAT girl. First, I address the issue. “Excuse me sir, but why do you feel so inclined to stare at me?” Usually this works, but if it doesn’t you can believe I get loud and ludicrous. So please, gentlemen, if you feel the need to stare, make it discrete. Furthermore, if you ask for a naked picture of me, all you are going to get is a picture of Ms. Kim being the lovely lady that she is.

 

Ms. Kim

Ms. Kim poses for the W magazine.

 

 

Grasping At Disillusioned Truths

I know everybody has witnessed the event known as “my friend continues to be in a miserable relationship at his/her own hands”. Honestly, nothing will piss me off more than witnessing such epic stupidity and self-pity. I refuse to feel sorry for anyone who puts themselves in this position after being repeatedly told how unhealthy the situation is. Now grant it, at first I am understanding because I generally just chalk it off to the two people having a bad day/getting in their first serious argument/etc. However, once I discover that the fault in the situation lies in the fact that one person allows the other to treat them like shit because they “love them”, I lose my nugget. I begin but dropping a few hints about how I don’t think things between them should be this way. The hints become bigger and bigger. I’ll eventually and even subtly voice my opinion playing the role of the concerned friend (and I really am). Finally, just like everyone else, I get tired of hearing the same old repetitive horseshit. Thus, I launch into an unexpected, gut wrenching conversation (although its more one-sided) and basically proceed to making someone really angry with me, usually highly upset, and they don’t talk to me for a while. Regardless, I’ll take a few days of the cold shoulder to prove a point that not one else had the balls to make. Usually this works, and if it doesn’t, I have reached the point that I no longer care. If you choose to live in misery, deal with it and don’t complain. Personally, I prefer to live in reality versus a white picket fence fantasy. Reality is far more exciting. More risks. Finally, do not expect me to feel compassion for you when your fantasy world comes tumbling down. You deserve what you get based on the poor performance of your decisions. As a once told Sunshine (and I will never disclose what our argument was about), you made your bed, now lay in it.

Therapy

Ah, yes. Therapy. Please come sit on my sofa and tell me of your woos, but please deposit your $75 for the hour of my time that you are going to waste. The idea of sitting down with a complete stranger and spilling out my life story is just very awkward. Then it just gets weird when you pay them to listen to you. Eventually it just mildly irritates me because you know you will never ever get a definitive, non-bullshit answer from your therapist. Now ladies and gentleman, I am a psychology major and I would love to be a therapist. However, I do not sugar coat things. I’m going to tell you exactly what you need to hear, rather you want to hear it or not, and you are going to pay me to do it. Basically, I am your local paid socialite. Perfect job right? I thought so.

However, in light of the fact that there are people out there who, like me, do not feel comfortable explaining my life story to someone that I am paying to judge me, we have different ways of coping and wasting ours greens.

1. Retail therapy. This in my mind is one of the worst forms of therapy. It is a danger to your wallet and your home. I often feel like this form should be renamed “Go spend recklessly on useless goods and boost the economy”. The amount of damage that a woman (forgive me for stereotyping but I haven’t seen a lot of guys do this) can do is very impressive especially if she has an unlimited budget and there are top store around. It’s like the goal is to spend a load of money and get the least amount of items possible. My record is $700 for a dress, a pair of shoes, and a pair of sunglasses. I realize this is just marginal for some spenders but I felt the effects of this binge on my wallet for a long time. Conclusion: Retail therapy is not for everyone (i.e. Those who are in limited financial situations). If this is a reoccurring method of coping, please ask yourself if that $400 dress will still be worth the dent in your wallet six months from now. Probably not. Put down the item and back away slowly. Running away will only make it chase you.

2. Drug and alcohol therapy. Now I have not done drugs before so I cannot relate to the effects that are produced but the substance one is using. However, I can relate to the idea of eluding your reality and escaping to freedom. Although not the safest method of coping with you needs, it is definitely the quickest and easiest way to forget. The perfect escape and way to live your dream. Conclusion: Although I realize nothing is found at the bottom of an empty bottle or package but air, the small moment of euphoria that is reached can be enough to get you through your challenge. However, be smart. Protect your health. Protect your life. You only have one.

3. Exercise therapy. This is probably one of the best forms of therapy. Nothing is better than a natural release of stress and it’s healthy (as long as you aren’t an exercise nut). For me, running is my niche. Going out for that long 9 miler is pure bliss when you reach the point that you feel nothing but relaxed and happy (also known as the runner’s high). Typically this does solve some, if not all, of the issues that one has. You are able to clear your head and find the answers that you already had. Conclusion: One of the best forms of therapy. Cheap and healthy.

4. Cleaning therapy. This is, for the most part, very similar to exercise therapy. Relatively cheap, healthy, and great for your home. I also find this form of therapy amusing to a degree. It always cracks me up when I see my cousin spotlessly cleaned home. Now she is naturally a very clean person but when she is angry and cleans, oh man, her living quarters are white glove inspection ready. Quiet impressive. Conclusion: Not worth the need to get upset but well worth the results.

5. Food therapy. Yes. We’ve all been the cow who eats their feelings. Bring out my friends Ben and Jerry’s and we have a pity session party. They are always reliable and they will always get the last laugh. They are your friends, yet they are not. I mean what kind of friend would reasonably allow you to ingest half a gallon of icecream in a single sitting and then make you a tub tub? Not many. Food is not your friend. I repeat food is not your friend and it will repeat on you. Conclusion: Expensive and not worth the health risks and/or the hours spent working off the massive amount of sugar, fat, carbs, and calories you just inhaled. (But it’s still delicious.)

6. Religious therapy. Many people I know put all their trust and fears with issues into their religion. If you a believer of the faith, I see this as a relatively healthy means of coping. You are basically spilling your guts out to your religious figure head, but you don’t have to pay them, and they never verbally answer you (sometimes this is a great thing). You find your answer in their word and get make peace with the rest. Where I take resolve is with those who become frustrated with their religion because they are not getting answers. If you don’t believe, you don’t receive. That means fully 100% believe in all that there is. Failure to do so and use of this method will lead you no where. Conclusion: If you believe then this is probably your best choice. You’ll find your answers and become stronger in your faith.
7. Sexual therapy. We all know at least one person that does this. They go have sexual relations with people in order to attempt to fill a void. Key word: attempt. How many people do you really know that are successful in filling their needs and resolving their problems? Not many. Plus this method of coping can be very hazardous to ones health. Conclusion: Not for everyone. Definitely need to be shameless to cope with the after effects of your decisions. Never really resolves the issues that you had in the first place.

8. Tattoo/Piercing therapy. Now piercing is not for me so I cannot speak to the cleansing affects that its has for some people. However, I am an advocate for tattoo therapy. For me, the pain that I feel emotionally is translated to the pain that I feel physically from the tattoo. As the tattoo heals, so do I, and the end product is a reminder of a challenge in my life that I overcame. Conclusion: Definitely for the faint of heart. Expensive and permanent. Please do not make these decisions irrationally because they do stick with you.

Luxury Should Always Be Number One

Picture it. Driving down I64, ballin’ out to Jamie Foxx, and the phone is starts ringing. I immediately recognize the tone as Sunshine’s…who is directly behind me in her car. Whatever. I answer it. “So, Juliet is busy tonight and we can’t stay at her place.” “WHAT?!”
“Yep.”
“But we told her two weeks ago that we were coming!”
Long story short we didn’t have a place to stay in the grand city. So we strategize for a while and decide that I’m taking one for the team. Did I mention that Mr. Bear also lives in the same grand city as Juliet and her boyfriend Romeo. Damn it.

Sunshine and I go about our day as usual. We attention an open house, go shopping, go eat, watch a movie, checkout the graveyard, go for a walk in the park, etc. After all this, its only 5PM. We naturally decided that our best option was to go to the bar. Happy hour! Three drinks later Mr. Bear waltzed in with HairSwoop.

Side note: HairSwoop and Sunshine use to be fuck buddies and kind of still are. It’s complicated. Truly complicated.

We all throw back a few more, eat some food, and are ready to bounce at 10PM. I’m just getting started and ready to go bar hopping. That was exactly what did not happen. I took one for the team and asked Mr. Bear if I could come back to his place. Tipsy and horny, he said yes. Once I knew that he was going to keep his word (sealed with a kiss), I announced that Sunshine was coming with us. That’s right. We aren’t going alone. I can’t risk that. The night progressed rather slowly. It was boring, full of sleep, and no nookie, which I was perfectly ok with. Sunshine and I bonded with Mr. Bear’s roommate the following morning. Cute kid.

However, we quickly realized that morning that we had nowhere to stay that evening. I mean I can get away with staying at Mr. Bear’s one night with no benefits, but not two nights. After some debating, we decide to get a hotel. Since I was paying I chose the luxury hotel downtown that didn’t break my pocketbook. I call make the reservation and we arrive 30 minutes later. After a rough night, no shower, and manipulating we are perfectly happy to relax in the lap of luxury.

Why didn’t we think of this sooner! Luxury never fails me. It’s always my friend. It comforts me and I love it. Plus, sunshine had to prepare for the night of debauchery she was about to partake in and I need to prepare for my date. Its the first date I had been on in four years. I’m sure that the night holds an epic story for at least one of us. Stay tuned.