Wayward Of The Great Big Highway

So Clapper and I dated for give or take 6 months, officially and unofficially. We had a wonderful relationship of convinence. We fell into a stay over relationship. I went to his place to stay but only after 9PM and to sleep, maybe have sex but even that only happened twice / three times? We went out to the bar sometimes. Me with my friends. Him with his. Never together. We never ate together. No real dates. No friend / family introductions. It was, again, a relationship of convinence.

We enjoyed spending time with each other but as far as connecting, getting close, forging meaningful connections…totally not happening. We lived in the moment with no plans or intentions for the future.

But there was a problem. I let myself care. I allowed myself to let my guard down (at the encouragement of many). And it was going well until he decided to move to Michigan. 3 weeks later he was gone and little did I know it but so was “us”. Slowly he forgot about me. He didn’t miss me. Or if he did, he didn’t care enough to tell me. Communication was sub par at best and despite my clear expression of how this needed to improve in order for “us” to make it, communication stopped. After 2 weeks I considered our relationship expired and gone wayward of the great big highway, much like he physically did.

I started to think: Honestly, I’m numb as they come at the moment. I don’t want to even make an effort with men. Why should I? I’m used up. I’m clearly only an object of sexually attraction or momentary fulfillment. I don’t have the care to pursue a relationship. I’m too single. I’m too free. I’m too me to be a part of anyone else. It’ll always be just me. I honestly believe I’ll never get married and no babies either. 

Oddly enough, upon making this declaration to myself. I start noticing men knocking at my door. I’ve had one begin to actively pursue me with daily communication. I had another announce that he would do the work to get me. Both of which have flabbergasted me. And neither of which I’m going to bend over backwards for.

Apparently acting like you don’t give a fuck anymore attracts men in droves.

I’m Back

I’ll be honest. I lost my motivation there for a while. Nelson disappeared, but never fear Nelson is back!

Quick update, I have moved, started a new job, established new friends, dated and broken up with Clapper (will fill you in on the details), recently back on the market and believe me I’m exploring my many options.

One of my grandmothers has a stroke and the other broke her hip. Lots of family drama there.

Most of my friends are still in the picture. Many with big life changes–engagements, divorces, babies, moves, etc.

That’s all for the moment. I will be writing later with more detailed updates! Promise!

Stroke It Out

So this week as been damn right awful. It started off with 102 degree fever and being sick for 3 days. Thursday wasn’t too bad. Spend all day with Sunshine in the Sunshine. Took Shen to the vet, which was a bit of a nightmare. I can’t stand it when other people can’t control their animals. I don’t want your dog in my dog’s personal space. Please and thank you.

Friday came and with it came hell on wheels. We put my grandmother in the hospital. She wasn’t making any sense. She was talking but her words weren’t coming out correctly. For instance she would try to ask for a glass of water and it would come out as “I glass ice.”

Long story short, I got to sleep in the hospital Friday evening. Saturday came with a confirmed diagnosis of a stroke. Some of her speech and writing may come back with time, but all of it may not. So we are in for long all now.

The rest of Saturday, however, went much much better. I went to see Iamsohip. We had an excellent evening consisting of bitching without judgment, boozing, and boys. We went out to a local bar where I got to see LNAYX. God I have missed him! We got to hang and talk about the rest of summer. I got to hang out with Mr. Delicious as well. Turns out, by the way, that I am going to Ring Figure with him. Holla. Now I gots to finds a dress.

And the best part of the evening was when Clapper came and picked me up. We went home and (Mr. Boxer stop reading here and go to the next paragraph) did the dirty. I got me a unicorn. Hot damn! It was wonderful. He dropped the r word, “relationship”, and I didn’t fight it. We, Clapper and I, are in a relationship. It has been established.

I gots me a unicorn.

Dislike Emotion

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I am emotionally incompetent.

As Peace says you are so strong in every other aspect of your life, but you suck at emotions.

It’s so so true. The idea of emotions and me in the same sentence or thought makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have a lot of these moments recently, which doesn’t really help matters, with Clapper.

He has tried to have “The Talk” (the dating talk that is) with me, to which I responded, “I don’t really do emotions so we aren’t having this conversation.” And then I changed the subject. He has also professed everything that he likes about me (in an 8-minute long rant mind you), during which I talked over him, tuned him out, got physically worked up to the point that I wanted to flee the room as quickly as possible (but he wouldn’t let me), uncomfortably nervous, told him was spewing utter bullshit out of his mouth, and even as I’m recalling this right now my throat is constricting. I have an emotional peanut allergy and I really fucking need an EpiPen.

I hate that I react this way to people and situations. I don’t cry in front of people, ever. It’s a no no. I can count on two hands the number of people that have truly seen me lose  my nugget. Moreover, I can count on one hand the number of people that have ever seen me truly vulnerable. I do not allow most people to get close to me at all. It’s a defensive measure to ensure that I don’t get hurt. My instant reaction when I legitimately like someone is to push them as far away as possible, and that is not normal but any standard.  The thought of allowing someone to get close enough to me to really know me (besides Sunshine) makes me want to vomit. Marriage. HA! Although it is desired, I’m perfectly ok with not acting on it ever.

But through and through, the psychologist in me tells me to get the fuck over it. I’m being completely irrational and I do not/ can not withstand to be like this forever without turning into a miserable old fuck who won’t be able to relate to anyone that I care about now. I will become the black sheep of society, not just my family.

I am working to get past those boundaries of emotions, but it is not easy. I am fighting, yet telling myself that I’m being a sissy about it. Thankfully, with the encouragement and patience of my friends, I will find a happy medium at some point.

Lord knows that between Peace and Clapper, I will have enough emotions for the whole universe.

I Like Him.

God damn it. I can’t believe I am actually going to utter these words.

I like Clapper.

I legitimately fucking like him and he makes me happy.

(Going to vomit. Be right back.)

Seriously, I like him. I want to spent loads of time with him and I (kinda) want to spill my guts to him (but I’m also not stupid and know better than to do that).

I have sorta admitted this to him, which is more than I can say for most people in the past that have crossed my path.

Mr. Breadstick, Ms. Ineedacheeseburger, Charlie  and Peace told me to stop being sissy basically and to get over my irrational fear of showing anyone any remote sense of emotion. And, well, I’m working on it. It’s slow and painful and it makes me very uncomfortable.

As I previous told Peace this week, “I’d rather suffer in my own silence then let someone know that they have had an emotional affect on me.”

Peace later told me that I deserved a man like Clapper because he is a lot of what I need in a partner (basically).

So I consulted my list (yes I really do have a list) to see how many of the “requirements” he meets. Clapper means a lot of them. He is:
smart,
has common sense,
knows what a mason jar is (need to ask. He is a yankee, so…)
makes me laugh (a lot actually),
affectionate (extremely),
kinda on the non-plan plan (so far),
has a big heart,
love unconditionally (let’s not get ahead of ourselves now),
has goals,
wants children (time the fuck out…I actually wrote that!?! My, my how things have changed and I don’t know what his answer is. Need to ask.),
not worry about money (we don’t discuss it),
have a truck (SUV…close enough for a city slicker),
hope,
caring,
love animals (that he does not),
act proper and mature (when necessary),
honest,
not a momma’s boy (doesn’t seem so, but we shall see. Need to ask.),
not an asshole for a father (Need to ask list.),
communicate well (he does!),
supportive,
fight back (not crossing that bridge yet),
spontaneous,
free,
adventurous,
simple in a way,
clean,
romantic,
understanding (is he ever),
giver,
selfless,
confident,
respectful,
open minded,
well traveled,
loyal,
cares about self (he has quotes written down everywhere),
nice body (snicker, snicker),
heart-warming smile,
know how to drive (once again he is yankee),
educated,
perk to play an instrument (need to ask list).

So, that would be 34 items checked off the list, 1 item that he does not meet and 7 unanswerables.

Not too shabby.

Free Thinking

Whimsy challenged others to answer the 50 questions on the website, just as she did.  There are no right or wrong answers. Just a flow of free thinking.

Challenge accepted.

Ready.
Set.
Go.

  1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 27. Old enough to be taken seriously, but young enough to still have fun without having judgment passed.
  2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying because then you always wonder “what if”. For me, that is one of the worse possible things ever.
  3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Easy. We do the things we don’t like because we feel obligated too by society or others around us, but we like many things that we don’t do because those are the things that we really want to do. Those are the things that our soul wants to dance with.
  4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? No. Actions speak louder than words and my work should speak for itself.
  5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? The importance of cultural enrichment and that when you are doing something that doesn’t make you happy…change it.
  6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Being free, and doing something greater than myself.
  7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Currently I’m transitioning. I’m moving toward something that I love. I know better than to settle.
  8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? No. I make everyday what it should be. Things will happen or they won’t. In the mean time I’m not going to worry about it.
  9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? A larger degree. I am responsible for my own happiness and I’m not going to let someone tell me how to live my life.
  10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. Your honor is all you have in the end.
  11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Stop them. I remind them to never pass judgment on someone they don’t know. At the same time if they do know the person, then they are entitled to their opinion but I would ask them to refrain from talking about them negatively in front of me.
  12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Decide what is real.
  13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes.
  14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? No but this would be a glorious thing to witness.
  15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Think. I think a lot differently than others.
  16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because those are the things that light up my soul. Everyone is different.
  17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? Live overseas. The only thing holding me back is finding a job.
  18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes. Always.
  19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? State–Montana. It is so beautiful and it makes me feel at peace. Country–Not sure. Probably somewhere in Europe.
  20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? I only push the button once.
  21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful simpleton. No need to worry ones head off about things you can’t control.
  22. Why are you, you? My past makes me who I am but it does not define my future.
  23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes. I will do anything for my friends. I love them all dearly.
  24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend who lives near.
  25. What are you most grateful for? My mother teaching me to never settle for anything.
  26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Lose all my old memories. If you could never make new ones, it means that you would never live.
  27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? If you honestly believe in it, yes.
  28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Yes. Many times.
  29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? Yes and yes. It defined my relationship with my father.
  30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? It’s not a single memory but a number of feelings that I remember from childhood that always occurred around Sunshine. She’s my rock.
  31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Now. Right now with Clapper.
  32. If not now, then when? Immediately. Never delay for you may not have tomorrow to play.
  33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Nothing.
  34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Absolutely. Those are some of my favorite memories.
  35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because people will die for what they love and anything that challenges it.
  36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No. Too many things wade in the gray area.
  37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Yes, but only after I got a job doing something that I love.
  38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work that I actually enjoy. Makes you feel much more accomplished.
  39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yes. I don’t like the repeat button.
  40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Honestly I haven’t the slightest clue and that’s disappointing.
  41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? No one. I’d count my blessings with Mother Nature.
  42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No. Beauty is only skin deep.
  43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive means that you are going through life doing nothing profound. Living means that you are actively participating in your life.
  44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? After about 30 seconds. Makes head and tails of the situation and just go with your gut. If you are wrong then you will learn something.
  45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Making a mistake means you fail. Failure is frowned upon by society.
  46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Nothing really. I do what I want now and don’t really care what people think. I am me. You are going to like me or you aren’t.
  47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? When I was sick. So winter time I suppose.
  48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love being free, and a majority of my recent actions clearly display this.
  49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? I’ll remember a few things, like rescuing kittens with Iamsohip, because it is an action bigger than myself. I’ll remember Flag Day, because it’s Clapper’s birthday.
  50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Making them for myself. I am responsible for my own life.

A Free Mind Will Rest Follow (Yoda) I came across this website that listed 50 questions that would free your mind.  There’s no right or wrong answer.  So.  I will now expose my mind via blog by answering 25 of the 50 questions.  I encourage you to do the same.  You’d be surprised at what you’re forced to reflect on. 1)  How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I’d be the toddler who gets pissed at herself for falling down, but gets back up anyway. 2)  Which is worse … Read More

via Whimsy

Bundle Of Nerves

The play date with Clapper was fucking awesome, per usual. Spending time with him is easy, natural and fun. There is no pressure to conform one way or another. Our conversations have substance, yet we can exist in perfect silence. Well silence that only lasts for about 30 seconds because Clapper is high-strung as fuck. Seriously, he never calms down.

Last night he was particularly excited for a reason which I dare not ask. I’m going to chalk it off to his birthday begin today. Regardless he definitely threw me off my rocker last night. It only took one line. We were discussing my upcoming plans, mainly moving. He asked where I’d be moving too. I said with my grandma more than likely. She needs help around the house but, much like me, refuses to ask for it. She’s very  headstrong. Clapper this states, very clearly, “Oh. That’s what I have to look forward too.” He’s response floored me and I literally had nothing to say. NOTHING.

I mean what the fuck?! Is  he really thinking about the future and just let that slip out. That is not a causal statement you just throw out there. You cannot do that to me! But he did. Loud and clear. And I just sat there with my mouth gaping open. My brain did some troubleshooting after a good 10 seconds of deafening silence, and I scrambled to recover my composure. I’m sure he noticed, but I didn’t bother to bring it up again.

After he used words to throw me off my guard, he then became extremely affectionate. Now I don’t do emotions, affection, and cuddling often, but I’m trying to attempt to miserably turn over a new leaf in that department. Regardless I am very aware of people body language and what-nots when they are  being emotional with me. And Clapper’s words were not the only thing giving off signals last night. (And for once I am not talking about a dick. Shocking.) We were in the middle of a long-winded kiss when he breathed. Not just any breath, but a nervous one. It sounds stupid because I can’t describe it well but I know what I heard. Hearing that one audible breath made my stomach roll over about five times.

Is it really possible that someone my actually like me? Legitimately like me? I’m keeping my reservations and my doors open.