So Clapper and I dated for give or take 6 months, officially and unofficially. We had a wonderful relationship of convinence. We fell into a stay over relationship. I went to his place to stay but only after 9PM and to sleep, maybe have sex but even that only happened twice / three times? We went out to the bar sometimes. Me with my friends. Him with his. Never together. We never ate together. No real dates. No friend / family introductions. It was, again, a relationship of convinence.
We enjoyed spending time with each other but as far as connecting, getting close, forging meaningful connections…totally not happening. We lived in the moment with no plans or intentions for the future.
But there was a problem. I let myself care. I allowed myself to let my guard down (at the encouragement of many). And it was going well until he decided to move to Michigan. 3 weeks later he was gone and little did I know it but so was “us”. Slowly he forgot about me. He didn’t miss me. Or if he did, he didn’t care enough to tell me. Communication was sub par at best and despite my clear expression of how this needed to improve in order for “us” to make it, communication stopped. After 2 weeks I considered our relationship expired and gone wayward of the great big highway, much like he physically did.
I started to think: Honestly, I’m numb as they come at the moment. I don’t want to even make an effort with men. Why should I? I’m used up. I’m clearly only an object of sexually attraction or momentary fulfillment. I don’t have the care to pursue a relationship. I’m too single. I’m too free. I’m too me to be a part of anyone else. It’ll always be just me. I honestly believe I’ll never get married and no babies either.
Oddly enough, upon making this declaration to myself. I start noticing men knocking at my door. I’ve had one begin to actively pursue me with daily communication. I had another announce that he would do the work to get me. Both of which have flabbergasted me. And neither of which I’m going to bend over backwards for.
Apparently acting like you don’t give a fuck anymore attracts men in droves.