Old Dominion Cotillion

This weekend I had the lovely job of participating in the Old Dominion Cotillion. Now I am not a debutante, and never will be, but I like to dress up, love to eat and enjoy a few cocktails.

VMI Cadets

Thursday night began with a Ring Dance. During this evening, the fathers present their debs with a ring that is specially designed for their debutante class. The mothers present their daughters with a bar stool. The stool is designed by each mother and is a reflection of the daughter. Finally, the debs meet their cadet escorts. After all the ceremony, we eat, dance, and drink.

VMI Cadets--Saber arch practice.

Friday night is rehearsal night. We practice for literally 5 hours until it is perfect.

VMI Cadets--Ball night introduction.

Saturday night is the main event. It’s the night of the ball when all the girls are make their premiere to society in their beautiful white gowns. We get to enjoy a wonderful meal, showcase our dance moves, down a few glasses of wine, and participate in the grand march.

Ready for the Ball.

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I Have To Share My Birthday

I have to share my birthday. It is inevitable, and I’m ok with it…unless I actually know the person that I have to share it with. Then I’m not a happy camper.

Either way, I did a little digging. Check on which famous people I share a birthday with.

John Le Carré–He is a UK author and I’ve never read any of books, much less heard of them.

Annie Smith Peck–A famous climber from the US.

John Edward–An author and apparently a psychic. He had a TV show called “Crossing Over with John Edward”.

Jason Reitman–Film Director. His most popular films were “Juno” and “Up in the Air”.

Robert Reed–Also known as Mike Brady from “The Brady Bunch”.

Charles Edward Merrill–As in the co-founder of the investment banking company Merrill Lynch.

Ty Pennington–Formally of the show “Trading Spaces”. Now host of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”. None of this matters because when he takes off his shirt, no one is listening to what he saying. Yum.

Evander Holyfield–A professional boxer known mainly because he had his ear beaten off by Mike Tyson.

 

After review the list, I was a bit disappointed. So I decided to check 0ut a few of my friend’s birthday to see if they shared it with anyone hip. This is what I found.

 

Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers (April 13) shares a birthday with Samuel Beckett, and Thomas Jefferson.

Iamsohip (April 19) shares a birthday with Kate HudsonJames FrancoJesse JamesAshley Judd, and Maria Sharapova.

Ma (April 23) shares a birthday with John CenaGeorge LopezShirley TempleWilliam Shakespeare, and Timothy McVeigh.

Wee (April 26) shares a birthday with Jet LiKevin James, and Carol Burnett.

Clapper (June 14) shares a birthday with Boy GeorgeHarriet Beecher Stowe, and Donald Trump.

Sunshine (Oct 14) shares a birthday with UsherRalph LaurenE. E. CummingsDwight D. Eisenhower, and William Penn.

Peace and Boot (Dec 2) share a birthday with Britney SpearsNelly FurtadoStone Phillips, and Gianni Versace.

 

Also anyone born on Feb 12 must know that I am extremely jealous. You share a birthday with my secret lover Abraham Lincoln.

Beaching

I like the beach, but I do not love the beach. Here are a few short reasons why my afternoon on the beach went sour.

1. There is literally a half mile of beach on either side of me without a single person on either direction. Two families come down to the beach and where do they sit? 25 fucking feet from me. There is space! Use it! Do not sit so fucking close.

2. Coupled with these families are children. I hate children at the beach. They run around like hoodrats kicking sand everywhere with no regard as to whom they are affecting and their parents are assholes who allow it to happen.

3. Also with children comes yelling. I planned on reading peacefully. Listening the waves. Soaking up the sun. Relaxing. Now I hear children screaming for no fucking reason. Then I hear “Max, what did I just say!?” Three times in under a minute. Look lady, your kid could really care less what you are saying because your words a cover in idol threats.

Conclusion: If you come to the beach with children sit far away from the general population and make sure your kids are well behaved and not assholes.

Thank you.

You Know You’re Getting Old When…

1. Your idea of a great Friday night is spent in bed with pizza and the remote.

2. Your epic clubbing/bar hopping night ends before midnight, you’ve only had 5 beers in 3 hours and you feel drunk, and the hangover the next more feels more like you drank a handle of liquor.

3. You go to bed before 10 any given night of the week.

4. You decide that an intellectual conversation is more important than sex.

5. That new radio station is playing all the music you listened to in high school.

6. You realize that your clothes make you look like a straight slut and it’s time to upgrade your closet.

7. You are actually interested in the news and your day gets very fucked up when you miss it.

8. You realize you actually have responsibilities that prevent you from having fun.

9. You cook all your meals instead of going out and all dinner meals are usually accompanied by a glass of wine.

10. Your idea of a perfect vacation involves more sleep, books and tv, then booze, beer pong, flip cup,  rocking out, and fatass face stuffing.

Spring Break

It’s morning you realize. The light is creeping into reality under your hazy eye lids. You slowly crack open an eye. Oh the light, tis not pretty. You choke up a low grumble only the noise doesn’t come out right. It’s all muffled and scratchy. Your brain kick starts, back fires a few times, and then screams “WATER. WATER. WATER. WATER NOW.” Jolted by the thought you respond, moving rapidly. Mistake. “Ugh. God. Why?” You suddenly and shockingly realize you have a hang over.

It’s a surprise you knew about last night, but conveniently forgot and told yourself to act surprised about. It’s a great performance in your history of acting by the way. Along with your ability to forget about your surprise gift of massive dehydration, a pounding headache, the smell of food making you want to vomit, and light sensitivity, you begin to sift through the haze of last night.

First to prepare. “Time to roll over and sit…who the fuck is in bed with me? Ok. Slow roll. Slow roll. Oh it’s a boy. He’s warm and fast asleep. Creep just a wee. Oh it’s just ____________, wonder what we did last night. Hope my performance was nice.” You slip out of bed, man this hurts. Water. You need it. You meander to the kitchen with a lot of effort. Pouring a glass of water is quiet the challenge, but when that sweet nectar touches your mouth…yum.

Ok. Time to collect evidence so you can piece together the night. First evidence to examine, your body. Ummm. Make up half taken off, check. Clipped polish, triple check. Clothes, made it into pjs and it’s all on correctly. Wow impressive. So clothes, check but need to find clothes from last night. Bruises, lots of checks. Pretty successful night so far. No harm done.

Next evidence, the cell phone. Drunk dial, surprisingly no. Drunk text, oh my. Check times 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 5 poor souls. Review the messages: 1, PG. 2, PG-13. 3, G. 4, R. 5, Oh no. Sexting. Pictures. Shit. Wait. Pictures. Oh no. Review of pictures, check. Wow. Overall review from the phone, good night, successful night, put down the phone next time.

But moving on to the camera. The pictures bring back some more memories. Jogging a few thoughts here and there. You remember a majority of your drunken records that are currently flashing back to you on the screen. Not bad at all. Better than expected.

Now for the final evidence check. How much did you drink last night? You slowly pull down the bag from the crown royal bottle. Half full. Hum. You can live with that. Overall, good night. A little much on the booze, and sexting. And oh the gentleman downstairs in your bed. Oh you need to go take care of that. Pronto. You sigh aloud in the silence of your kitchen. “Spring Break man. It wins every damn time.”