So Kesha

Can you imagine what your life would be like if you lived in a Kesha song?

Wake up feeling like ass with last night’s make up on and its the middle of the afternoon. Shower briefly. Throw on your day old half ripped tank, a pair of hot shorts and combat boots. Rock out with some what the fuck ever hair and some legit black eyeliner.

Blast some songs on volume 100. Dance like a fool. Grab drinks where you can get them. Guys want to be with you and you mind fuck them. Love them and leave them. Rage.

Fall in bed at the end of the night. Think momentarily about how out of control your life is. How you need to get your shit together. How you loved that one.

But who gives a fuck. You’re life is fucking awesome.

Think of the world and gre….zzzzzzzzz

Wake up and do it again.

Animals.

Alone

So here’s the deal. I spent the week alone this week and I honestly think that I have forgotten how to be alone. I use to be so comfortable with silence and being alone, and now I don’t know what to do with myself.

Nevertheless, I have used the time to think. After my surgery (yes I had surgery last week to remove precancerous cells–or so we think.) I made a pact with myself to do me. To not do what others expect of me, but to do what makes me happy. To get back on the wagon and become ambitious again. I want to make my life as comfortable as I can. I want to live and breathe and be as free as the wind and the flowing tides.

I miss it. I needed my silence and my aloneness again. I desperately need that reestablished.

Delay

I know my posts have been a bit delayed over the past few days. We can thank my grandmother for fucking up the computer 6 ways to Sunday for that.

Irritating. Real irritating.

Nevertheless, I am trying my best to make up what has been lacking. Here’s a quick update.

I started working for one of my father’s businesses on Monday. He asked for help. I wanted into the office on Monday and he basically dumped one of the companies in my lap and said fix it. Lovely right? I can feel the stress. If I fail it’s a million dollar corporation failing. No pressure.

At home, my grandmother has been driving me bat-shit crazy. She is in my business and frankly it’s none of her fucking business what I do. Furthermore, she insists on lecturing me. That shit realllyyyyy gets under my skin. I cannot stand to be lectured. If I want your fucking opinion I will ask for it. If not, do not be a condescending cunt and tell me what to do. In fact if you do that, you should expect me to ignore you for days, weeks really, and do exactly what you told me not to do. These are the times that I go by the “fuck off, eat shit, and die” motto of life in accordance with my dealings concerning you.

As you can see, I don’t take well to being governed. Therefore, I will be spending this weekend in Northern Virginia with some great friends and enjoying life.

(And I swear to God if I come home to my room fucked with I’m going to lose my shit.)

Dependent

Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.

I’m sure people fear burying their parents, their children or their spouse. Some fear living outside, manual labor, or taking naked photos. Some fear going to war.

I don’t. Death is a part of life. All things come to an end and death is not something I fear. I don’t fear things that are beyond my control. I don’t fear the natural either. Somethings are the same no matter how many different ways you look at it.

War is not fearful. It is “necessary” because people/organizations crave power. But really, it’s overrated. I have seen many of my friends go to war. Luckily they have all come back. But inside, I know that they left a little piece of themselves in a war-torn country and they will never be the same. Grace Kelly is one of those.

What I fear is quiet simple.

Help. Asking for help.

I hope I never have to ask for handouts just to make it in this world. My biggest fear is failure. Coupled with failure is my refusal to ask for help. I hate to ask anyone to help me with anything. It’s stupid and irrational, but it’s a part of who I am. Because of this, I hope that I never ever have to ask for handouts for survival. I feel like there is enough in nature that I should need to do this. But unfortunately society has dictated that it is not dignified to live like a hippie. (Shameful.) I don’t need money for food, I have seeds. I don’t need money for water, I have creeks. I don’t need shelter, I can make that myself. I already have enough clothes to clothe a small army. Ha.

But seriously, asking someone to help me, in my mind, is like placing a burden upon them. I can see the burdens they carry. Why would I want to make their load heavier? I can survive, and if for some reason nature doesn’t allow me to become apart of it, then I’m meant to pass my soul forward.

I never want to get to the point that my life is dependent upon help from others.

Free As A Butterfly

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

I love that I care about everything more than myself.

I am all about doing something for the greater good, something larger than myself. I don’t dwell on what’s in it for me. For I know that I’ll rep what I sow one day, and when that day comes I’ll be rich with happiness. I won’t be bound to anything that I don’t want to be and I won’t be ashamed of how I got there. I’ll be happy as a clam with a pearl, and free as a newborn butterfly.

Doing Something When You’re Doing Nothing

So my Grandma went to church today and brought back the worship service pamphlet for the day. She instructed me that I needed to read the circled text.

Ok. Fine. I really like when religion is jammed down my throat but I’ll oblige temporarily.

Here’s what it said.

“When you are down to nothing, God is up to something. Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible. Thank God for our physical and spiritual nourishment.”

Take from it what you will but it is relative to my current situation. I am down to nothing, meaning I have no job and in some people’s eyes that means I’m worthless. But God is up to something. I know there is a reason why things are going the way that they are and I also know that I’m not going to get an explanation about this until everything is said and done.

There is a reason I’m not finding a job, and it has nothing to do with the lack of trying. I’m working my ass of on that part. Regardless, even though I don’t have a job, I am happy. I am truly happy. I’m not stressed, minus when Grandma moves shit around in my room.

I’m free and I love it.

Free Thinking

Whimsy challenged others to answer the 50 questions on the website, just as she did.  There are no right or wrong answers. Just a flow of free thinking.

Challenge accepted.

Ready.
Set.
Go.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 27. Old enough to be taken seriously, but young enough to still have fun without having judgment passed.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying because then you always wonder “what if”. For me, that is one of the worse possible things ever.
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Easy. We do the things we don’t like because we feel obligated too by society or others around us, but we like many things that we don’t do because those are the things that we really want to do. Those are the things that our soul wants to dance with.
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? No. Actions speak louder than words and my work should speak for itself.
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? The importance of cultural enrichment and that when you are doing something that doesn’t make you happy…change it.
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Being free, and doing something greater than myself.
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Currently I’m transitioning. I’m moving toward something that I love. I know better than to settle.
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? No. I make everyday what it should be. Things will happen or they won’t. In the mean time I’m not going to worry about it.
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? A larger degree. I am responsible for my own happiness and I’m not going to let someone tell me how to live my life.
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. Your honor is all you have in the end.
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Stop them. I remind them to never pass judgment on someone they don’t know. At the same time if they do know the person, then they are entitled to their opinion but I would ask them to refrain from talking about them negatively in front of me.
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Decide what is real.
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes.
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? No but this would be a glorious thing to witness.
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Think. I think a lot differently than others.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because those are the things that light up my soul. Everyone is different.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? Live overseas. The only thing holding me back is finding a job.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes. Always.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? State–Montana. It is so beautiful and it makes me feel at peace. Country–Not sure. Probably somewhere in Europe.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? I only push the button once.
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful simpleton. No need to worry ones head off about things you can’t control.
22. Why are you, you? My past makes me who I am but it does not define my future.
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes. I will do anything for my friends. I love them all dearly.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend who lives near.
25. What are you most grateful for? My mother teaching me to never settle for anything.
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Lose all my old memories. If you could never make new ones, it means that you would never live.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? If you honestly believe in it, yes.
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Yes. Many times.
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? Yes and yes. It defined my relationship with my father.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? It’s not a single memory but a number of feelings that I remember from childhood that always occurred around Sunshine. She’s my rock.
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Now. Right now with Clapper.
32. If not now, then when? Immediately. Never delay for you may not have tomorrow to play.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Nothing.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Absolutely. Those are some of my favorite memories.
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because people will die for what they love and anything that challenges it.
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No. Too many things wade in the gray area.
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Yes, but only after I got a job doing something that I love.
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work that I actually enjoy. Makes you feel much more accomplished.
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yes. I don’t like the repeat button.
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Honestly I haven’t the slightest clue and that’s disappointing.
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? No one. I’d count my blessings with Mother Nature.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No. Beauty is only skin deep.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive means that you are going through life doing nothing profound. Living means that you are actively participating in your life.
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? After about 30 seconds. Makes head and tails of the situation and just go with your gut. If you are wrong then you will learn something.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Making a mistake means you fail. Failure is frowned upon by society.
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Nothing really. I do what I want now and don’t really care what people think. I am me. You are going to like me or you aren’t.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? When I was sick. So winter time I suppose.
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love being free, and a majority of my recent actions clearly display this.
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? I’ll remember a few things, like rescuing kittens with Iamsohip, because it is an action bigger than myself. I’ll remember Flag Day, because it’s Clapper’s birthday.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Making them for myself. I am responsible for my own life.

I came across this website that listed 50 questions that would free your mind.  There’s no right or wrong answer.  So.  I will now expose my mind via blog by answering 25 of the 50 questions.  I encourage you to do the same.  You’d be surprised at what you’re forced to reflect on. 1)  How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I’d be the toddler who gets pissed at herself for falling down, but gets back up anyway. 2)  Which is worse … Read More

via Whimsy

One Thing After Another

Here are the basics.
I’m panicking about not having a job.
I got in a argument with my mother because I’m sick and tired of her asking me for money.
My replacement annoys the shit out of me.
I hate that I have to keep smiling when I’d rather just sit down and scream.
I’m lonely.
I’m tired of people taking advantage of me.
I do not care to repair the relationship with my father even though he seems to think it’s a notable cause.
I really just want to disappear, start over and get away from the leeches in my life.
All of this makes me feel utterly fucking worthless.
I just feel like everyone has their niche. I feel utterly lost in comparison.
It’s like a life crisis at 23 and that is absurd.

Outside

Remember when you played outside for fun? I do. When you just walk out and sat in the grass, made mud pies, ran around like a wild child, and played ball. Ah, those were the days. 

Now a days, its all about video games, facebook, and television. Kids don’t even go outside. They see dirt and run like a little bitch. The thought of camping outside. Ha. Not a chance. A week without a computer, television or a phone is like a week without oxygen. Even the thought of existing without technology smothers the average child.

Disgusting. Just disgusting.

Get the hell outside.

Vile Creatures

When I left high school and came to this place, I entered a home–no really–a stable home.

I was broken down and ground into the dirt. I grew with spring and was “parented” by a group of false adults. I fell, tripped, and stumbled my way along. I made mistakes, but regretted nothing. I found my own two feet at some point and set my roots in. I grew. Branched out. Touched a lot of things, people. Some made me angry and some made me dance the night away.

I grew and grew. Soon I grew too big for this place. Is it really my fault that I’m a single, attractive female?  I think not.

Soon my home became a disease, just like the last. What started as the truth developed into a gossip infested whore house. The respect and love I had for this place withered.

It was like a poison. I soon saw that its walls were bleached to cover the splatter of tainted words. I saw its people were not so prime and proper. Rather half demon–those who delight on the half devoured carcasses of their mates. The air, once so perfect, left a bitter taste in my mouth. The adults are really vile children at heart and much like the romans of their age delight in conflict of the human soul.

Little do they know that they surrendered their souls along time ago. They marked themselves by their vain existence. The very words they utter are the burden they will carry on their hearts one day.

Their hearts will fill with tar from all the regrets they have. The very gossip spilled from their mouths will one day be the very thing that makes them cry. Revenge is a dish beat served cold and I hope they enjoy the taste of victory now because karma tastes like shit.

That is their home in hell and they can keep it. I prefer to be homeless, carry my heart on my wings and fly free.