Sunshine Is Beyond Random

Today was a highly adventurous day for Sunshine and I. We started off the day late but made our way to the beach which ended as quickly as it started. Why you ask? Simple. The wind was blowing at 20 miles per hour across the sand. If you don’t know what that means I’ll break it down for you. You’re standing there enjoy the waves and the breeze. Ah yes. What a nice breeze. Then it starts to sting. Ow. Ow. Owwwww. It get worse. It’s like being sand blasted constantly at different speeds. It fucking hurts!

So we made our way back to the driveway. I washed the truck, got hit on by the man checking the telephone poles. Awkward. Real awkward.

I ran in my Vibrams today. It was nice. Going to take a bit to adjust to them, but it felt good.

After this all, sense for Sunshine and I went out the window, completely. We discussed what it would be like to go through life without thumbs. The picture above is how Sunshine would drink water. (Blonde moment clearly.)

But in keeping with Sunshine’s randomness, this scene occurred.  We were watching a show about this man was having reconstructive surgery on his face and she looks at me, dead pan face, and goes “google pregnant midgets”. No lie.

But that was after I said this to her: “Damn I need to keep you around more often. You made my bed, you fixed my food, you washed my clothes and folded them, you washed the dishes, and you just spoon fed me. Why don’t you have a boyfriend again?” I’m such as ass. Ha. Our friend told me he’d punch me.

Finally, we topped off the night with with this quote “We are grown ass women trying to make fart noises with our armpits.”

(We failed by the way.)

Another rare thing about today is that I have literally talked to everyone today. Clapper with his random comments about the place that I’m staying. Mr. Soup and his serious comment about being serious and territorial. My friend from Cali. Mr. Delicious and well us just being normal friends. Mr. Breadstick and our general conversations. Ma. Peace and Gaga. Romeo and Juliet. Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers and our crazy in tune thoughts. And finally iamsohip and James Taylor, among other things.

What a day. Time for late night sexting. Hot damnnn.

Bros Before Hoes And Chicks Before Dicks

Remember how you use to interact with all your married/in a serious relationship friends, and now you don’t? I do. I have many friends that are currently married or in a serious relationship and we just don’t click like we use to. Let’s give examples.

1. We can start with GoldDigger and My Father. Now I realize that they are “family” (gag), but I do feel like the redheaded step child, which I’m ok with because they leave me alone for the most part. But it seems like since they have entered married life everything revolves around her family. All holidays are spent with her family. All vacations, her idea/her family. All Saturday evening plans, her family. It seems that nothing that My Father does is for himself. Sure he enjoys what he does but he is contributing no original thought to the situation. My Father and I have never really been close, but he has changed since marriage. From the way he dresses, to his hobbies, to taking vacations (he never use to take those). His change, although for the most part for the better, has driven him even further from me. We have nothing in common, build no new memories, and his continuous apologizing for the past while rubbing the future in my face has to stop.

2. Next, we have Mr. Bear. Oh lord where do I begin? Well Mr. Bear has a serious track record of finding a new girlfriend and literally spending every waking minute with her, ditching his friends for the most part, and doing any and everything that she wants to do. Currently, Mr. Bear has a newer girlfriend. He has been seeing her for about 7 or 8 weeks.

Now, let me back up just a second and explain how Mr. Bear is dick to his friends when he has a significant other. A few weeks ago Mr. Bear and PR attended a wedding of a close friend of theirs. The night of the wedding Mr. Bear got all wasty faced, per usual. His girl called. He said he’d call her back later in the evening. She got mad. (Crazy cunts.) Later on in the evening Mr. Bear did indeed call his girl back. He had had several glasses of wine and called his girl by PR’s actual name on the phone repeatedly. Naturally his girl got pissed. I can’t say I blame her really. I would have done the same thing. Whatever.

Moving on to Monday. PR had changed her Facebook profile picture to a photo of her and Mr. Bear. A really great photo of them really. Well this apparently did not sit well with all parties involved. PR was working in the hospital all day Monday and could not answer her phone. Mr. Bear called PR six times saying that it was important and she needed to call him back. So after she left work, mind you the last thing she did was watch one of her patients die, she called him. He proceeds to tell her, “She was a fucking idiot and what was she thinking changing the profile picture. Blah, blah, blah.” He continues to rant and rave saying, “How could she be so stupid to put her profile picture of her and him, and his girl is pissed, and what kind of person is PR.” PR counters with the logical response of “Are you serious? We’ve been best friends and I love you like brother, and she needs to understand that I’m not going to be some selective friend and only be there when it’s ok.” His response, “I love her. Whatever she says goes and if she doesn’t like you, then I can’t like you type of deal.” PR lost her nugget. “If he can’t have the balls to tell her to calm the fuck down, we are just friends type of deal, then he’s fucked up and she wants no part of his future.” Mr. Bear, “Have a good one.”

Do you see my point? Mr. Bear has been dating this girl for weeks, literally, and he has shit all over PR who has been his friend for years. I mean seriously, what the fuck dude?

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Now, I will have to say that despite all the evidence listed above, I do have a few friends that are married or in a serious relationship and nothing has changed. I love and appreciate these friends more than they know for being themselves and balancing their relationships. If anything they have learned how to balance their relationships due to some of their own fuck ups in the past. So thank you Boot and her man, Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger, and Romeo and Juliet, for being in relationships and not changing.

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The bottom line of this post is just this, if you choose to be in a relationship, that’s all well and fine, but do not loose your friends and family over your significant other. No one is worth that and when that shit blows up in your face you’ll realize just how alone you really are.

You Are Not Welcome

So my day yesterday got better yesterday. It was going swell for a whole 3 hours. I got to communicate, like legit communication conversation skills, with Mr. Soup. He still can’t control his facial expressions, but he seems more relaxed and open with me, which is a positive as I see it of course. Other will disagree with me, but that’s ok. Peace and I head off to lunch and talked like gossip whores we are, and we loved every minute of it. After lunch we were bored so we blogged and then digressed into makemebabies.com. Yes, we went there. It was epic. My love child with Peace was perfect, minus the mouth. That was totally off. My other love children with some unnameables were close to perfect. Peace’s last love child…was…a…redhead. Peace does not have red hair and neither did her mate. It was legitimately the best laugh I had all day.

Then the day went right back down the shitter. At 244PM to be exact I received an unwelcomed message. The background here is that on St. Patty’s Day my friend Juliet gave my number to a guy that I was dancing with. We will call him Mustang. (He drives a drives a drop dead gorgeous ’68 Mustang.) Anyways, she gave him my number without asking me. I never, ever give out my number to random people like that. Ever. Either way, there was nothing I could do about it at that point. He messaged me earlier this week and was asking about work, school, etc. Just small talk. He eventually told me he had a 4 day pass and this was his last free weekend for a while. Wonderful, right? I told him I was working all weekend and would not be available, which is the truth. I had a huge event for work yesterday and today, a second event for today, and a lax game tomorrow–all day. I thought that would be the end all, say all of our conversation about him visiting, which I wasn’t a fan of anyways. I discovered I was wrong at 244PM yesterday when he told me he was at my place of work, which is a college. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!? This is not acceptable by any standards. Forgive me, but I told Mustang I was working. Repeat after me, w-o-r-k-i-n-g–working. Why would he think that it was ok to show up unannounced, and uninvited? Manners dude, manners. I told him I was busy, which was the truth, and then I hid in my office like a scary little bitch. I knew that he would never find me in there because I was in a building that he couldn’t access. Thank god. I was panicking, no lie. His actions were creepy and unnecessary. Borderline stalker if you ask me. Regardless, I told him I was busy working on a project, and was unavailable. He said he’d see me later on then. Yeah right.

After a while I had to leave my office to do my job. I had to attend to my event on post. I made Peace go with me. Both of us terrified to see our unwelcomed visitors. I camped out as far away from people as I could get and I had an escape route planned too. Parade led to Mess Hall time. Upon walking down to the mess hall I saw his car. Panic. I walked quickly and with a purpose to get the fuck out of there. It wasn’t until I was exiting the mess hall that I saw him. And what did I do? Went right back in the mess hall and hid behind the door. I knew he didn’t see me, but I saw him. I made Peace be the look out until he left. I thought I was in the clear seeing has his vehicle had departed. Wrong. He came back!

Turns out he had taken a few students to dinner and had to drop them back off. He told me he wanted to see me and then proceeded to tell me he didn’t have anywhere to stay. NOT MY PROBLEM BRO.  I politely communicated that I was busy with work, which I was, and that I told him I was busy all weekend. At this point I was terrified to leave work. I didn’t want to go out to my vehicle alone. I officially knew what people felt when they had a stalker. After 30 minutes of sitting in my office, I made a friend of mine walk me out. I made my way home and then to LadyFriend’s house, where we gossiped, relaxed, bitched about our terrible days, and drank deliciousness from the blender.

It was a good end to a really fucking horrible day. I am still a bit scared that Mustang will show back up again. But as Sunshine said, “Be the cunt I know you can be.” Ha.

PS. For the men out there reading this, take a hint. When a girl says she is busy, she is and/or she doesn’t want to see you. DO NOT BE A CREEPER.

Fuck Bitches, Get Money

I’ve only been awake for 2 hours this morning and I already want to kill someone. I woke up extremely angry and it only got worse from there. I don’t know why I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, but it did. Maybe I was mad about the fact that I was getting up 3 hours before my usual wake up time. (I love to sleep and I’m so not a morning person.)

My attitude continued to worsen as soon as I picked up my phone. I checked my email. No worries there, just stress. Then I check my text messages. I got this one from Juliet, “Love the St. Patty pictures. I was wondering if you could remove the restraint pictures though. Two co-workers send me a message saying they don’t think they are appropriate.” Now let me back up for just a moment. The pictures were posted to Facebook, which is how her co-workers saw them. Juliet is a nurse at a youth physic ward. The other person pictured in the photographs was Sunshine. She stole the restrains from work for sex purposes.

Now that this is all laid out my response to Juliet’s message was straight hatred. It wasn’t her that I was mad at by any means. She has every right to ask me to remove things that she doesn’t want up there. What I’m angry about is her co-workers. The things that Juliet does outside of work are separate from the things that she does at work. It’s called professional versus personal relations. Personally, I want to tell every last one of her co-workers to fuck off. This is Juliet’s life outside of work and she should not have to hide what she does in order to please others. Quiet frankly, the whole work/facebook situation is really fucking immature and needs to stop. As long as they aren’t doing anything illegal then it shouldn’t matter. Juliet should also probably consider blocking her work people from seeing her page if they are going to be cunts about it.

After receiving Juliet’s message I was fuming, clearly, but I did what she asked me to do. No need to create turmoil in our friendship over cunty workers. I got up and started getting ready for work. Washing my face, brushing my teeth. You know, the usual. I fed my animals, gave Lucy (my cat) her medicine for the morning, and started to put on my uniform for work. (I wear a military uniform to work.) Pants on, shirt on, ready to leave. That’s when it hit me. I don’t have my duty jacket because it’s at the dry cleaners which doesn’t open until 0830 and it’s a balmy 33 degrees outside this morning. Fuck. Shit. Damn it. Oh hell, I’ll just brave the cold. I don’t really have a choice.

Brave the cold I did. I sat in my truck for 5 minutes waiting for my windshield to clear so I could drive. I got to work, freezing, only to realize  that we were missing the TV for our event. Shit. Another thing overlooked, misplaced, and/or gone wrong. I quickly searched our office for our TV on wheels and had no luck finding it. Fuck it. It wasn’t necessary and I’d worry about my missing TV later.

I proceeded to my office. Upon unlocking it and walking in, it dawned on me that there is really too much shit in here. There are boxes everywhere from my secretary, to whom I hate with a passion. I made the decision then and there that I was going to move all the boxes today. My office is not a storage place. I booted up my computer, checked a few office things, then decided it was time to head back upstairs for the event. Only problem was that I also realized at this time that my cover (my hat) wasn’t in office, like I thought it was. I searched my office for a good 15 minutes. No luck. No cover, which means it’s at home. Son of a bitch. So I did the walk of shame through barracks, coverless. Big no-no in the military world.

I escaped briefly from work, with no duty jacket still, and went home to search for my cover. I found it within 30 seconds. It was on the microwave in plain sight. Good job Nelson. Really, stellar job. I picked up my cover to discover another stellar job. My netflix. Yes, my netflix dvd’s that I was suppose to drop in the mail yesterday morning. Completely baffled by my own stupidity at this point, I calmly picked them up and put them in the mailbox.

On the drive back to work, which takes all of 3 minutes, I got behind an idiot driver. No less, they were from Pennsylvania. I have a theory that the worst drivers of all time come from Florida and Pennsylvania. So here I am on the phone with Sunshine screaming my head off at the driver in front of me who can’t determine their head from a hole in the ground. Classic sight mind you.

At this point, the day is overrated. I want out. But on a side note, my day will get better at 1105 today because I will get to eye fuck Mr. Soup and Peace is buying me lunch. In the mean time, fuck bitches, get money.

I Earned My Nickname.

Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers asked me recently to provide the background for all of my nicknames for people. After thinking about this some more, I think this may benefit a few others as well.

***Warning: If you are a male and you know me, you may not want to read this. (Hint. Hint. Mr. Boxer STOP READING!)***

Angel–Ex-boyfriend’s lady friend. She was such a sweetheart.
Grace Kelly–He got his nickname from Mad TV’s “Can I have your number”
Graham Cracker Express–His first name was graham and it just kinda stuck.
Granny–My hateful grandmother on my mother’s side.
HairSwoop–He has this thing he does with his hair. It’s like the Richmond comb over. We call it the hairswoop. It’s just bad, bad, bad, and he’ll be rocking that hairstyle for the rest of his life. Think a toned back Justin Bieber.
Juliet–Her and her boyfriend, Romeo, are tied together at the hip.
Mr. 8.5–You got this one already. 8.5 inches.
Mr. Bear–He has chest fur, not hair, FUR! It’s that thick. Plus, we think that if he gets on all fours, his ass would be about the size of a bear’s ass.
Mr. Breadstick–We got this lovely little nickname from the lack of what he was packing. It was a thin breadstick. One of the biggest disappointments of my life.
Mr. Delicious—Oh sweet jesusssss!!! He is gorgeous. Enough said.
Mr. Greek–Not exciting. He is from a greek family.
Mr. Mosquito–Once again, lacking in the packing. I believe my exact quote to my cousin that earned him this nickname was “If this doesn’t work out, I won’t be disappointed. I was thinking WTF is that, a mosquito bite on your leg!”
Mr. Nelson–His middle name is Nelson. Also where I got my nickname from.
Mr. NotSoHotItalian–Never been more let down in my life. His background was italian, but nothing about the way he looked was. Sadness.
Mr. Slap–He hit me. Only guy who ever has and he’s lucky he’s not dead.
Mr. Soup–He is so hot but the LAX team tells me he is a soupy, old man ass. GAHHH!
Ms. Granny–This would be another girlfriend of an ex. She was 27 I believe. Not old at all, but her mannerisms were that of grandma, or that of a freshman in high school. Based on the way she dressed, it tipped the scales to call her Ms. Granny versus CrazyBitch.
Ms. INeedACheeseburger–She thin, thin, thinnnnn. One of Spangler’s runners. She needs to eat!
Pig–I have never seen someone eat so much food in my life and stay so thin. He literally ate everything. Leftovers. GONE.
Romeo–See Juliet.
Sunshine–That’d be my cousin.

And for the most recent one that I referenced specifically at the beginning of this post, Mr. Boxer. It’s what it sounds like. He’s a boxer, along with being an athlete in several other sports.

Luxury Should Always Be Number One

Picture it. Driving down I64, ballin’ out to Jamie Foxx, and the phone is starts ringing. I immediately recognize the tone as Sunshine’s…who is directly behind me in her car. Whatever. I answer it. “So, Juliet is busy tonight and we can’t stay at her place.” “WHAT?!”
“Yep.”
“But we told her two weeks ago that we were coming!”
Long story short we didn’t have a place to stay in the grand city. So we strategize for a while and decide that I’m taking one for the team. Did I mention that Mr. Bear also lives in the same grand city as Juliet and her boyfriend Romeo. Damn it.

Sunshine and I go about our day as usual. We attention an open house, go shopping, go eat, watch a movie, checkout the graveyard, go for a walk in the park, etc. After all this, its only 5PM. We naturally decided that our best option was to go to the bar. Happy hour! Three drinks later Mr. Bear waltzed in with HairSwoop.

Side note: HairSwoop and Sunshine use to be fuck buddies and kind of still are. It’s complicated. Truly complicated.

We all throw back a few more, eat some food, and are ready to bounce at 10PM. I’m just getting started and ready to go bar hopping. That was exactly what did not happen. I took one for the team and asked Mr. Bear if I could come back to his place. Tipsy and horny, he said yes. Once I knew that he was going to keep his word (sealed with a kiss), I announced that Sunshine was coming with us. That’s right. We aren’t going alone. I can’t risk that. The night progressed rather slowly. It was boring, full of sleep, and no nookie, which I was perfectly ok with. Sunshine and I bonded with Mr. Bear’s roommate the following morning. Cute kid.

However, we quickly realized that morning that we had nowhere to stay that evening. I mean I can get away with staying at Mr. Bear’s one night with no benefits, but not two nights. After some debating, we decide to get a hotel. Since I was paying I chose the luxury hotel downtown that didn’t break my pocketbook. I call make the reservation and we arrive 30 minutes later. After a rough night, no shower, and manipulating we are perfectly happy to relax in the lap of luxury.

Why didn’t we think of this sooner! Luxury never fails me. It’s always my friend. It comforts me and I love it. Plus, sunshine had to prepare for the night of debauchery she was about to partake in and I need to prepare for my date. Its the first date I had been on in four years. I’m sure that the night holds an epic story for at least one of us. Stay tuned.