Stroke It Out

So this week as been damn right awful. It started off with 102 degree fever and being sick for 3 days. Thursday wasn’t too bad. Spend all day with Sunshine in the Sunshine. Took Shen to the vet, which was a bit of a nightmare. I can’t stand it when other people can’t control their animals. I don’t want your dog in my dog’s personal space. Please and thank you.

Friday came and with it came hell on wheels. We put my grandmother in the hospital. She wasn’t making any sense. She was talking but her words weren’t coming out correctly. For instance she would try to ask for a glass of water and it would come out as “I glass ice.”

Long story short, I got to sleep in the hospital Friday evening. Saturday came with a confirmed diagnosis of a stroke. Some of her speech and writing may come back with time, but all of it may not. So we are in for long all now.

The rest of Saturday, however, went much much better. I went to see Iamsohip. We had an excellent evening consisting of bitching without judgment, boozing, and boys. We went out to a local bar where I got to see LNAYX. God I have missed him! We got to hang and talk about the rest of summer. I got to hang out with Mr. Delicious as well. Turns out, by the way, that I am going to Ring Figure with him. Holla. Now I gots to finds a dress.

And the best part of the evening was when Clapper came and picked me up. We went home and (Mr. Boxer stop reading here and go to the next paragraph) did the dirty. I got me a unicorn. Hot damn! It was wonderful. He dropped the r word, “relationship”, and I didn’t fight it. We, Clapper and I, are in a relationship. It has been established.

I gots me a unicorn.

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Sunshine

Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

John Denver says it best:

“Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry. Sunshine on the water looks so lovely. Sunshine almost always makes me high.”

Sunshine is one of many that make my life worth living for. We are like two peas in a pod and have been since we were born. We are only 5 days apart in ages and are basically twins. I can feel how she feels, without ever being there. I know her like the back of my hand, as does she to I. My existence depends on her existence and I honestly can’t image life without her and I never want to. My soul is a part of hers.

We come as a packaged deal. We travel together. Date together. Eat together. Even naked tan together. Every major decision I make, like moving or a job, is dependent on her. I think about moving away. I could do it, but you can bet your sweet ass I’d be on the phone with her every single day. Even when I broke the news to her that I could be moving up to 8 hours away, her only response was, “Man, that’s a long ways to drive. I’m going to need a room.”

She makes my life worth living because she is my ray of sunshine. She brings me up when I’m down, and calms me down when I’m losing my mind. She knows my darkest secrets, seen me at my lowest of lows, and my highest of highs. We have cried over death, and rejoiced over chances given. She is my rock and my soul and I would die without her.

Dislike Emotion

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I am emotionally incompetent.

As Peace says you are so strong in every other aspect of your life, but you suck at emotions.

It’s so so true. The idea of emotions and me in the same sentence or thought makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have a lot of these moments recently, which doesn’t really help matters, with Clapper.

He has tried to have “The Talk” (the dating talk that is) with me, to which I responded, “I don’t really do emotions so we aren’t having this conversation.” And then I changed the subject. He has also professed everything that he likes about me (in an 8-minute long rant mind you), during which I talked over him, tuned him out, got physically worked up to the point that I wanted to flee the room as quickly as possible (but he wouldn’t let me), uncomfortably nervous, told him was spewing utter bullshit out of his mouth, and even as I’m recalling this right now my throat is constricting. I have an emotional peanut allergy and I really fucking need an EpiPen.

I hate that I react this way to people and situations. I don’t cry in front of people, ever. It’s a no no. I can count on two hands the number of people that have truly seen me lose  my nugget. Moreover, I can count on one hand the number of people that have ever seen me truly vulnerable. I do not allow most people to get close to me at all. It’s a defensive measure to ensure that I don’t get hurt. My instant reaction when I legitimately like someone is to push them as far away as possible, and that is not normal but any standard.  The thought of allowing someone to get close enough to me to really know me (besides Sunshine) makes me want to vomit. Marriage. HA! Although it is desired, I’m perfectly ok with not acting on it ever.

But through and through, the psychologist in me tells me to get the fuck over it. I’m being completely irrational and I do not/ can not withstand to be like this forever without turning into a miserable old fuck who won’t be able to relate to anyone that I care about now. I will become the black sheep of society, not just my family.

I am working to get past those boundaries of emotions, but it is not easy. I am fighting, yet telling myself that I’m being a sissy about it. Thankfully, with the encouragement and patience of my friends, I will find a happy medium at some point.

Lord knows that between Peace and Clapper, I will have enough emotions for the whole universe.

Free Thinking

Whimsy challenged others to answer the 50 questions on the website, just as she did.  There are no right or wrong answers. Just a flow of free thinking.

Challenge accepted.

Ready.
Set.
Go.

  1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 27. Old enough to be taken seriously, but young enough to still have fun without having judgment passed.
  2. Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying because then you always wonder “what if”. For me, that is one of the worse possible things ever.
  3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Easy. We do the things we don’t like because we feel obligated too by society or others around us, but we like many things that we don’t do because those are the things that we really want to do. Those are the things that our soul wants to dance with.
  4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? No. Actions speak louder than words and my work should speak for itself.
  5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? The importance of cultural enrichment and that when you are doing something that doesn’t make you happy…change it.
  6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Being free, and doing something greater than myself.
  7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? Currently I’m transitioning. I’m moving toward something that I love. I know better than to settle.
  8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? No. I make everyday what it should be. Things will happen or they won’t. In the mean time I’m not going to worry about it.
  9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? A larger degree. I am responsible for my own happiness and I’m not going to let someone tell me how to live my life.
  10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. Your honor is all you have in the end.
  11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do? Stop them. I remind them to never pass judgment on someone they don’t know. At the same time if they do know the person, then they are entitled to their opinion but I would ask them to refrain from talking about them negatively in front of me.
  12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Decide what is real.
  13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes.
  14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? No but this would be a glorious thing to witness.
  15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Think. I think a lot differently than others.
  16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? Because those are the things that light up my soul. Everyone is different.
  17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back? Live overseas. The only thing holding me back is finding a job.
  18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? Yes. Always.
  19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? State–Montana. It is so beautiful and it makes me feel at peace. Country–Not sure. Probably somewhere in Europe.
  20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster? I only push the button once.
  21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? Joyful simpleton. No need to worry ones head off about things you can’t control.
  22. Why are you, you? My past makes me who I am but it does not define my future.
  23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Yes. I will do anything for my friends. I love them all dearly.
  24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? Losing touch with a good friend who lives near.
  25. What are you most grateful for? My mother teaching me to never settle for anything.
  26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? Lose all my old memories. If you could never make new ones, it means that you would never live.
  27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? If you honestly believe in it, yes.
  28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? Yes. Many times.
  29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now? Yes and yes. It defined my relationship with my father.
  30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special? It’s not a single memory but a number of feelings that I remember from childhood that always occurred around Sunshine. She’s my rock.
  31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? Now. Right now with Clapper.
  32. If not now, then when? Immediately. Never delay for you may not have tomorrow to play.
  33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? Nothing.
  34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Absolutely. Those are some of my favorite memories.
  35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Because people will die for what they love and anything that challenges it.
  36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? No. Too many things wade in the gray area.
  37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? Yes, but only after I got a job doing something that I love.
  38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? More work that I actually enjoy. Makes you feel much more accomplished.
  39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? Yes. I don’t like the repeat button.
  40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? Honestly I haven’t the slightest clue and that’s disappointing.
  41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? No one. I’d count my blessings with Mother Nature.
  42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? No. Beauty is only skin deep.
  43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? Being alive means that you are going through life doing nothing profound. Living means that you are actively participating in your life.
  44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? After about 30 seconds. Makes head and tails of the situation and just go with your gut. If you are wrong then you will learn something.
  45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? Making a mistake means you fail. Failure is frowned upon by society.
  46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Nothing really. I do what I want now and don’t really care what people think. I am me. You are going to like me or you aren’t.
  47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? When I was sick. So winter time I suppose.
  48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? I love being free, and a majority of my recent actions clearly display this.
  49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that? I’ll remember a few things, like rescuing kittens with Iamsohip, because it is an action bigger than myself. I’ll remember Flag Day, because it’s Clapper’s birthday.
  50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? Making them for myself. I am responsible for my own life.

A Free Mind Will Rest Follow (Yoda) I came across this website that listed 50 questions that would free your mind.  There’s no right or wrong answer.  So.  I will now expose my mind via blog by answering 25 of the 50 questions.  I encourage you to do the same.  You’d be surprised at what you’re forced to reflect on. 1)  How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? I’d be the toddler who gets pissed at herself for falling down, but gets back up anyway. 2)  Which is worse … Read More

via Whimsy

I Have To Share My Birthday

I have to share my birthday. It is inevitable, and I’m ok with it…unless I actually know the person that I have to share it with. Then I’m not a happy camper.

Either way, I did a little digging. Check on which famous people I share a birthday with.

John Le Carré–He is a UK author and I’ve never read any of books, much less heard of them.

Annie Smith Peck–A famous climber from the US.

John Edward–An author and apparently a psychic. He had a TV show called “Crossing Over with John Edward”.

Jason Reitman–Film Director. His most popular films were “Juno” and “Up in the Air”.

Robert Reed–Also known as Mike Brady from “The Brady Bunch”.

Charles Edward Merrill–As in the co-founder of the investment banking company Merrill Lynch.

Ty Pennington–Formally of the show “Trading Spaces”. Now host of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”. None of this matters because when he takes off his shirt, no one is listening to what he saying. Yum.

Evander Holyfield–A professional boxer known mainly because he had his ear beaten off by Mike Tyson.

 

After review the list, I was a bit disappointed. So I decided to check 0ut a few of my friend’s birthday to see if they shared it with anyone hip. This is what I found.

 

Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers (April 13) shares a birthday with Samuel Beckett, and Thomas Jefferson.

Iamsohip (April 19) shares a birthday with Kate HudsonJames FrancoJesse JamesAshley Judd, and Maria Sharapova.

Ma (April 23) shares a birthday with John CenaGeorge LopezShirley TempleWilliam Shakespeare, and Timothy McVeigh.

Wee (April 26) shares a birthday with Jet LiKevin James, and Carol Burnett.

Clapper (June 14) shares a birthday with Boy GeorgeHarriet Beecher Stowe, and Donald Trump.

Sunshine (Oct 14) shares a birthday with UsherRalph LaurenE. E. CummingsDwight D. Eisenhower, and William Penn.

Peace and Boot (Dec 2) share a birthday with Britney SpearsNelly FurtadoStone Phillips, and Gianni Versace.

 

Also anyone born on Feb 12 must know that I am extremely jealous. You share a birthday with my secret lover Abraham Lincoln.

Status Quo Failure

Dear FireNY,

First, I’d like to thank you for your time and attention. Second, I’d like to commend you on your efforts of attempting to be a good person. However, I am reluctant to inform you that your efforts have fall short of the status quo, just as Peace and PR predicted.

You see when I first met you, I mistakenly thoguht that you were innocent. I was quickly proven wrong by your adventurous notions with Peace with an unregard care for your girlfriend at the time. However, that is not my bone to pick with you. It is Peace’s. But shame on you son.

See my faults with you lie with in this very sentence. Your ways of wording tell the whole story when you only speak half the truth. You dig your own grave and are too busy looking up to realize you are sinking, and quickly might I had at that.

Have you ever heard the term “give them just enough rope to hang themselves”. If not, you have now. Moreover, it is exactly what you have done. I gave you the rope and you made the noose and hung yourself from a tree. The best part is that you have no idea. You think your riding the high life.

Like I said, I regret to inform you that you are in fact not.

You started off on the wrong foot. Right off the bat you threw your best friend under the bus to me. You put him down, stepped on him, shoved his face on the mud and kept on getting it. Shame on you. I overlooked this momentarily until I had the chance to really talk to him. I adore him and you should never be an ass to him again. Consider that your warning for the future.

Then, without your knowing, I caught you in a whole slew of lies. First, you lied about your best friend even being with you on vacation. Mistake. You shouldn’t lie about petty shit. Second, you lied about that one weekend I was away. You said you were drinking beers with a friend. Which was true, but it was only half of the truth. May I remind you that only telling half of the truth is the same as lying. You should know that dear. You were in fact throwing a few back, but what you neglected to inform me of was that it wasn’t at a bar. It was at your ex girlfriend’s house. Now see this would not normally be an issue but when you are attempting to gain someone’s trust you never lead this on an unsound trail. Furthermore, your ex is a psychotic nut and you dog her been her back. Faking it to her face is just rude, inconsiderate, and unfair to all parties involved.

After these two lies where uncovered, I tuned into you. See the first two lies didn’t hurt me, far from it actually, but you did piss me off. You were taking advantage of a perfectly nice woman, as far as you knew.

The thing is that I’m only a perfectly nice girl on the surface. Underneath and when provoked, which you did, I am a bitch. See you were playing games with me, which I knew all along. I decided to play along because I didn’t realize the depth of these games. But what you failed to realized is that you ever play me and you never ever play games with me. I will win and you will end up equalling chew up gum on the bottom of my shoe in my book.

So I set back and like your game run its course. I knew it would only be a matter of time before you lied again. It only took about 3 weeks. You told a half truth again. You said you promised to come see me over a weekend. I let you believe that I was excited for the adventure, but in reality I knew you were bullshitting straight to my face. Takes one to know one hun. The weekend came and went. I let it pass calmly.

A few days after the weekend you messaged me. Ah, yes. The famous I’m going to make promises I won’t keep, not show or communicate anything for the period of time that I was suppose to be present, and then talk to you after the fact with light heartedness, I miss yous, and other meaningful bullshit to rope me in again. Bravo. Such a well thought out original plan. I really applaud you for your efforts in diversification. You make a grand appeal.

Either way, I played along. And as I predicted you made a faulty miss step. You made mention of the fact that you went to Bruce’s graduation party. Oh dear. See that was my key. It told me that you were in my area over the weekend and that you didn’t make the each effort to come see me because you were playing me. Shame on you again.

So here is what is going to happen. I’m going to turn on my heel and walk away but before I do I must make a few things clear. One, if you ever throw our mutual friends, especially LNAYX, under the bus again, I will publically humiliate you. Two, if you ever fuck with Peace again without her wanting you to, her problems with you will become my problems and I do not respond well to cheaters. Three, if you attempt to make advances toward me in the future I’m going to lead you on repeatedly and frustrate the fuck out of you. Four, I feel it would be hypocritical of me not to inform you of my intended use of you in the first place. I only entertained the idea of you as a summer fling. If you don’t believe me, ask Sunshine. I made the summer fling announcement in her kitchen. But I digress. See my sex friend at the time was MIA and I needed some loving. Your dick and meaningless sex with you suited my needs. Don’t be a pussy and cry about it.  Five, you need to get the fuck out of the game. Your skills are shitty as hell and I can’t believe you even thought you could play your games reasonably well enough to not get caught. You’re truly a dumbass if you still believe that. Finally, remember you can’t play a player bitch. 

Fuck off with peace and love,

Nelson

P.S. I think The Band Perry says it best:
“Because you lie like a priceless Persian rug on a rich man’s floor and you lie like a coon dog basking in the sunshine on my porch. Well you lie like a penny in a parking lot at the grocery store. It just comes way too natural to you. The way you lie.”

Confession

I went to confession today with Mr. Breadstick.

Mr. Breadstick: “Where is that storm? How’s the ol beach? Gotten any darker?”

Me: “No idea. I haven’t watched the weather channel in a few days. Perhaps it was pushed north?  The beach is good. Had the lifeguards come by for the first time. Got starred at. It was awkward. We now have neighborhors too. And yes. I am really dark. How’s base? Better than in days past?”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hahah you got oggled? Because you are so dark perhaps? The neighbors cool? It’s better, but still gay. PT test at 5 am today, waiting around to go on a ruck with like an empty ruck. Pointless? I think so but the days are better. There is a gym really close and its been useful.”

Me: “Yes I got oggled. I’m blaming it on Sunshine. The blondes. They are always lookers. I hate having neighbors down here. They disturb the peace. How did the PT test go? And yea a ruck march with an empty ruck …pointless. Maybe it’s more for those who don’t do ruck marches like the school does.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Haha Did you feel gross, attractive, or indifferent? Uh PT test went well, maxed everything but the run with time to spare, and I did a minute better on the run than last time. The ruck should be whatever, apparently its slow as fuck.”

Me: “I don’t know what I felt.  Have been doing a lot of thinking while I’ve been down here and I really don’t know why I do the things I do sometimes. But I still have no regrets about the decisions I have made. Good job on the pt test and day dream on your ruck. It’ll pass the time on your Sunday stroll. Ha”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hahah think it’s saturday Nelson =p. Thinking going well? Feel progress at all? I’m pretty sure we gotta work sunday and monday. In a week or so, we should be clearing our stx lanes, and be doing work work. Have you been to louisville?”

Me: “Sunday Saturday. Psh. Minor details. Thinking is going. thoughts are all over the place and probably will be until I get settled somewhere. Let’s hope they subside at some point and this isn’t a marathon of analysis like it was last time. Thinking about that makes my head hurt. This is going to sound really dumb but what the hell is a stx lane? Understand a lot of lingo but I do not get that one. I have never been to Louisville but I’ve driven past it a lot. Ha. Only been to base once and that was 2 years ago.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Over analysis isn’t good. Sometimes you need to think about it, and then just go with it. Not get too caught up in it. Stx lanes is what we do at school w blanks n shit, tactics. so I should be opfor.”

Me: “I know but sometimes its like I obess over a topic until I find an answer. Not healthy but its like I can’t turn off my brain. Ah. Ok. That makes more sense to me. Opfor is a good position right?”

Mr. Breadstick: “Better than being stuck in a building as S1 or S3 working 12hr shifts under some douchebag who is overbearing and a number nazi.”

Me: “Hahhahaha. Well put!!!! I had isn’t mental images of Dog and Boobs.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Basically, but you can’t sass these people. Hahha oh Train came up to me grad day, put his hand out. I shook it, he said good luck. I said good luck with your 16 standards sir. He wasn’t happy.”

Me: “Ha. You’re such an ass Mr. Breadstick and I’m so happy you said that. At least you took the high road and didn’t say anything about Mease.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Yea, I talked to Smelly about her, and he outlined it in a pretty honest manner, admitted it looks bad, but hey this is what shes dealing with so I dropped it.”

Me: “At least he was honest with you. I’ll give him props for that. I like him but I don’t trust him.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Smelly? I’ve  actually come to respect him. He’s a nervous nelly, but you just gotta calm him down and he pretty much shot straight with me. I was really to the point with him, so that mighta helped.”

Me: “Yea true but I have seen the way he operates. I feel like he’d burn you in a hot minute. That’s why I don’t let him get too close. Any of the staff members for that matter.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Oh yea he would if like someone did shit they really weren’t supposed to, but at least he’s honest about it? Dog SGM, Train, and Boss especially  seem deceptive?”

Me: “Yeah I know which is why I keep him away from me. Perception is reality to most for them. I like Dog. We can relate about a lot of things but I don’t discuss anything but general topics with him and he feeds into it. I love SGM. He can be a real ass sometimes but he has feelings and he tells you what he thinks. I don’t get close to him though because I don’t like his wife. She’s a cunt. Train is ok. Too closed minded for my taste. Boss I could be friends with but once again his wife is a problem. Plus its better to keep your boss as far from your personal affairs as possible.”

Mr. Breadstick: “Hmm reoccurring problem much?”

Me: “Yes. Ha. I don’t really get along with most women and most women find me threatening anyways. I play nice for a while but when I can see straight through their bullshit I get irritated and decide that its not worth the trouble. I have lost many friends over women being jealous territorial bitches.”

Mr. Breadstick: “That is true. Hey at least you aren’t one!”

Me: “I’m not. Use to be then I realized how utterly stupid it was. I am much more direct when I need to be now and it has paid off.”

Mr. Breadstick: “It does indeed work.”

Me: “It is however under appreciated.”

We have a such constructive conversations.