Once Last Goodbye

At the college I went to, when you are a freshman, you are paired with senior mentor. The bond that you form with them is irreplaceable. So in honor of my “freshman” graduating this year, both is the senior narrative that I wrote. Hard to believe it was 4 years ago, but every last word of it is still true.

“I may not have enjoyed it all, but I’m grateful for the lessons that I learned, and the amazing friends I gained. To Papa: Thank you for reminding me that simple is all you need. To G-ma: Having a back bone is critical. To Granny: Thank you for teaching me what not to be. To Gail: Striving for perfection is never that far out of your reach. You just need to apply yourself. To Ma: Although it may hurt, brutal honesty is the best answer. To My Father: No matter what happens, I will always love you. To Beth: Thank you for not allowing me to settle for anything less. Word to your llama. To Jay: Thank you for being the Dad that I needed later in life. P.S. Don’t tell Beth about Hooters. To Sunshine: Laughter is key and there is a reason why God did not make us sisters. Remember, throw those hands up. To Wee: Never let anyone stand in the way of your dreams. To PR: My standards are high. P.S. To Holly: We will get what we want out of life. To Boot: Be strong and never leave your computer to bake in the sun. Haha. To Motherly: Your advice is the best. Do the dance! To Weebit: It still amazes me how two completely opposite people can get along so well. ATL. To Charlie: Thank you for the advice over the  years. It has gone further than you think. P.S. I taking Horus! To Brownie, Karbear, Jackie, Mr. Bear, HairSwoop, Baity, Zack, Mike, Fish, D-Ray, Jared, Chris, Blincoe, Timmy and Pope: Thank you for endless hours of laughter. Also, Chris, Thank you for baseball. To my closest friends: Remember what happened in Old Town/ NYC/ Tampa/ on “The Boat”, stays there. To my dykes: Abby, Anya and Hatley, you were the best, and even better you were 2007! To my co-dykes: I think we lived up to what our dykes wanted us to. To my Rat-Tie: Christopher, I could not have asked for a better Rat. Just think, we met when you were ready to leave, and I’m thankful you stayed. Make your dyke proud! Keep your head up and I’ll catch you on the flip side.”

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We’re Adults. Why Is This So Hard?

Do you ever have those friendships that seem to be surrounded by conflict? Enough to where the two of you are butting heads and the only way it seems to be resolved is by one of you getting so angry that their head pops off? I feel like I have one of those with Mr. Bear.

Mr. Bear is an ex of mine, as we have reviewed before. Our relationship ended approximately 2 years ago and we decided to remain friends. But you see the problem is he doesn’t really understand the boundaries of what a friendship is. As an ex, I have enough respect for him to be politely and mindful of his current lady friend, who ever she may be. The way I see it is I have no right to be mad or jealous at her. She did nothing wrong, and our relationship with 2 years ago. I repeat 2 years ago. I am mature and confident enough in my self that it really shouldn’t matter what he does in his personal life, and it doesn’t.

What I take regard with is that he pesters the shit out of me with he either A-doesn’t have a lady friend, or B-I have a man friend. Let’s take example A. Mr. Bear breaks up with her current interest, and what does he do, call me. And I don’t mean call me in the “oh whoa is me” way. I mean call me in the booty call way. No thank you. I’ll pass. Calling (after I either don’t answer or hang up) turns to texting. Let’s review.

Mr. Bear: “How are you?”
Me: “Not bad. Been sick. Got a gnarly cough.”
Mr. Bear: “Oh. Sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better. You know if you came to (undisclosed location) I could make you feel better. 😉 ”
Me: “Um. I think I’m fine right here. I’ll be fine.”
Mr. Bear: “I bet I could think of a few things to make you feel better. ;)”

Seriously, I’m not biting and this conversation continued as such for a good 20 messages after this. At what point do I have to bluntly say, “Get the fuck off my nuts?!” Plus you know better than to ever trust anything that involves a winky face.

Now for example B. Say I causally mention a friend of mine that happens to be a male in conversation, for instance I say, “I’m going to see Mr. Greek on XYZ, blah, blah.” The rest of the conversation really doesn’t matter. Mr. Bear will say nothing. So you think “Ah. Yes. He finally isn’t going to be a dick about the situation.” Wrong. The next time we meet up, I kidd you not, the first words out of his mouth will be as follows:

Mr. Bear: “Hey Nelson. It’s good to see you. So how’s your new boyfriend, Mr. Greek?”
Me: (In my head, what the fuck dude!?! I never said he was my boyfriend, and why are we discussing this?) “He’s not my boyfriend, but he is doing well.”
Mr. Bear: “So how was your visit with Mr. Greek?”
Me: (In my head, is it really any of your fucking business? No.) “It went well. You know cooked dinner, hung out, had a good time.”
Mr. Bear: “Oh so are you like a thing now?”
Me: (In my head, are you fucking kidding me?! If I wanted you to know I would tell you myself. So fucking digging for information.) “No. Just friends. So, Sunshine…”

And heaven forbid I actually bring a guy around in his presence that I know and he doesn’t. Regardless of if I’m fucking him or not, Mr. Bear automatically assumes that I am. Thus, he proceeds to get very protective. It really pisses me off, and it’s not ok. How about you not spend your night attempting to separate my friends and I just so you can “talk” to me. I really don’t deal  well with drunken hands and sappy shit in general.

So given the situation, I’m about at my wit’s end with Mr. Bear. I would love to remain his friend, but I don’t think he has what it takes to be mine. I am respectful of all of his decisions and give him honest advice when he asks for it. As for him giving me the same amount of respect, he has failed to do it for 2 years. What really gets me is that we are adults and this shit really shouldn’t matter, but for some reason to him it does. Which is even more perplexing to me because he is, after all, the one that broke up with me. So if anything this situation should be the other way around. Good thing I’m a level-headed bitch.

That is until St. Patty’s. That’s when I next see him. Also, HairSwoop will be there apparently, so this will be a drunken pissed off night for me, or so I’m predicting. Iamsohip come save me!

I Earned My Nickname.

Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers asked me recently to provide the background for all of my nicknames for people. After thinking about this some more, I think this may benefit a few others as well.

***Warning: If you are a male and you know me, you may not want to read this. (Hint. Hint. Mr. Boxer STOP READING!)***

Angel–Ex-boyfriend’s lady friend. She was such a sweetheart.
Grace Kelly–He got his nickname from Mad TV’s “Can I have your number”
Graham Cracker Express–His first name was graham and it just kinda stuck.
Granny–My hateful grandmother on my mother’s side.
HairSwoop–He has this thing he does with his hair. It’s like the Richmond comb over. We call it the hairswoop. It’s just bad, bad, bad, and he’ll be rocking that hairstyle for the rest of his life. Think a toned back Justin Bieber.
Juliet–Her and her boyfriend, Romeo, are tied together at the hip.
Mr. 8.5–You got this one already. 8.5 inches.
Mr. Bear–He has chest fur, not hair, FUR! It’s that thick. Plus, we think that if he gets on all fours, his ass would be about the size of a bear’s ass.
Mr. Breadstick–We got this lovely little nickname from the lack of what he was packing. It was a thin breadstick. One of the biggest disappointments of my life.
Mr. Delicious—Oh sweet jesusssss!!! He is gorgeous. Enough said.
Mr. Greek–Not exciting. He is from a greek family.
Mr. Mosquito–Once again, lacking in the packing. I believe my exact quote to my cousin that earned him this nickname was “If this doesn’t work out, I won’t be disappointed. I was thinking WTF is that, a mosquito bite on your leg!”
Mr. Nelson–His middle name is Nelson. Also where I got my nickname from.
Mr. NotSoHotItalian–Never been more let down in my life. His background was italian, but nothing about the way he looked was. Sadness.
Mr. Slap–He hit me. Only guy who ever has and he’s lucky he’s not dead.
Mr. Soup–He is so hot but the LAX team tells me he is a soupy, old man ass. GAHHH!
Ms. Granny–This would be another girlfriend of an ex. She was 27 I believe. Not old at all, but her mannerisms were that of grandma, or that of a freshman in high school. Based on the way she dressed, it tipped the scales to call her Ms. Granny versus CrazyBitch.
Ms. INeedACheeseburger–She thin, thin, thinnnnn. One of Spangler’s runners. She needs to eat!
Pig–I have never seen someone eat so much food in my life and stay so thin. He literally ate everything. Leftovers. GONE.
Romeo–See Juliet.
Sunshine–That’d be my cousin.

And for the most recent one that I referenced specifically at the beginning of this post, Mr. Boxer. It’s what it sounds like. He’s a boxer, along with being an athlete in several other sports.

Luxury Should Always Be Number One

Picture it. Driving down I64, ballin’ out to Jamie Foxx, and the phone is starts ringing. I immediately recognize the tone as Sunshine’s…who is directly behind me in her car. Whatever. I answer it. “So, Juliet is busy tonight and we can’t stay at her place.” “WHAT?!”
“Yep.”
“But we told her two weeks ago that we were coming!”
Long story short we didn’t have a place to stay in the grand city. So we strategize for a while and decide that I’m taking one for the team. Did I mention that Mr. Bear also lives in the same grand city as Juliet and her boyfriend Romeo. Damn it.

Sunshine and I go about our day as usual. We attention an open house, go shopping, go eat, watch a movie, checkout the graveyard, go for a walk in the park, etc. After all this, its only 5PM. We naturally decided that our best option was to go to the bar. Happy hour! Three drinks later Mr. Bear waltzed in with HairSwoop.

Side note: HairSwoop and Sunshine use to be fuck buddies and kind of still are. It’s complicated. Truly complicated.

We all throw back a few more, eat some food, and are ready to bounce at 10PM. I’m just getting started and ready to go bar hopping. That was exactly what did not happen. I took one for the team and asked Mr. Bear if I could come back to his place. Tipsy and horny, he said yes. Once I knew that he was going to keep his word (sealed with a kiss), I announced that Sunshine was coming with us. That’s right. We aren’t going alone. I can’t risk that. The night progressed rather slowly. It was boring, full of sleep, and no nookie, which I was perfectly ok with. Sunshine and I bonded with Mr. Bear’s roommate the following morning. Cute kid.

However, we quickly realized that morning that we had nowhere to stay that evening. I mean I can get away with staying at Mr. Bear’s one night with no benefits, but not two nights. After some debating, we decide to get a hotel. Since I was paying I chose the luxury hotel downtown that didn’t break my pocketbook. I call make the reservation and we arrive 30 minutes later. After a rough night, no shower, and manipulating we are perfectly happy to relax in the lap of luxury.

Why didn’t we think of this sooner! Luxury never fails me. It’s always my friend. It comforts me and I love it. Plus, sunshine had to prepare for the night of debauchery she was about to partake in and I need to prepare for my date. Its the first date I had been on in four years. I’m sure that the night holds an epic story for at least one of us. Stay tuned.