Drive Of Pride

I can’t believe I have to say this twice in one week to Peace, but you are right. (Hurts my pride.)

Clapper came over after his long day at work. And I really do mean long day. He didn’t make it to my apartment until midnight. But he did in fact keep his promise and we got to hang out. All night in fact.

For an hour or so we talked. Well he talked. I made off hand remarks and laughed. He makes me laugh a lot. Then he suddenly announced, “You have 9 minutes to do what you got to do and then we are going to bed.”

Alright.

I decided not to fight it. I finished my wine, washed my glass, and got ready for bed. We crawled in bed together and the thought of bumping uglies never even crossed my mind. (Shocking.) I laid down on my right side like I always do.

“Are you really going to lay with your back to me so I can’t kiss you?”

Um. Whoops? I didn’t know that was an option. So I rolled over and we chatted some. I was mid sentence when he cut me off announcing, “I’m going to kiss you.” And then he did. My heart nearly leaped out of my chest. And it did each time he kissed me.

But I didn’t panic. I may have stopped breathing but I didn’t panic.

I relaxed and fell into a deep sleep. It was normal. I didn’t think about it. I fit just right in the crook of his arm, which also made an excellent pillow since he took 4 of the 5 I have on my bed.

He rarely moved and he didn’t snore. He randomly would squeeze me tight in the middle of the night. I’d wake up to sneeze (and yes I did blow my nose in front of him), and when I rolled back toward him, he would kiss me on the forehead. I made a note to sneeze more often.

Clapper was very affectionate but didn’t push his limits. He stayed within the boundaries. He made no effort to do more than just kiss me, which I greatly appreciate.

When we woke up this morning it wasn’t awkward. He rolled over and kissed me on the forehead just because he could. It was the weirdest thing ever. My usual reaction is to play along and get the guy up and out of my house quickly without making it look that way. But I didn’t want him to go.

I actually wanted to spend time with Clapper. It was a mindless reaction and completely emotional. (Ew.) I never second guessed it because my gut told me that it was ok.

But him staying was not an option. He had to go to work. We got up, made light conversation. During which he pondered how many honks he’d get on his walk of shame. He quickly corrected himself noting that it really wasn’t a walk of shame if he liked it. I told him it was the drive of pride, even though he was walking. (Thank you Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers.)

He kissed me and left. It wasn’t a goodbye. It was an I’ll see you later.

And it feels right.

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I Have To Share My Birthday

I have to share my birthday. It is inevitable, and I’m ok with it…unless I actually know the person that I have to share it with. Then I’m not a happy camper.

Either way, I did a little digging. Check on which famous people I share a birthday with.

John Le Carré–He is a UK author and I’ve never read any of books, much less heard of them.

Annie Smith Peck–A famous climber from the US.

John Edward–An author and apparently a psychic. He had a TV show called “Crossing Over with John Edward”.

Jason Reitman–Film Director. His most popular films were “Juno” and “Up in the Air”.

Robert Reed–Also known as Mike Brady from “The Brady Bunch”.

Charles Edward Merrill–As in the co-founder of the investment banking company Merrill Lynch.

Ty Pennington–Formally of the show “Trading Spaces”. Now host of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”. None of this matters because when he takes off his shirt, no one is listening to what he saying. Yum.

Evander Holyfield–A professional boxer known mainly because he had his ear beaten off by Mike Tyson.

 

After review the list, I was a bit disappointed. So I decided to check 0ut a few of my friend’s birthday to see if they shared it with anyone hip. This is what I found.

 

Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers (April 13) shares a birthday with Samuel Beckett, and Thomas Jefferson.

Iamsohip (April 19) shares a birthday with Kate HudsonJames FrancoJesse JamesAshley Judd, and Maria Sharapova.

Ma (April 23) shares a birthday with John CenaGeorge LopezShirley TempleWilliam Shakespeare, and Timothy McVeigh.

Wee (April 26) shares a birthday with Jet LiKevin James, and Carol Burnett.

Clapper (June 14) shares a birthday with Boy GeorgeHarriet Beecher Stowe, and Donald Trump.

Sunshine (Oct 14) shares a birthday with UsherRalph LaurenE. E. CummingsDwight D. Eisenhower, and William Penn.

Peace and Boot (Dec 2) share a birthday with Britney SpearsNelly FurtadoStone Phillips, and Gianni Versace.

 

Also anyone born on Feb 12 must know that I am extremely jealous. You share a birthday with my secret lover Abraham Lincoln.

Sunshine Is Beyond Random

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Today was a highly adventurous day for Sunshine and I. We started off the day late but made our way to the beach which ended as quickly as it started. Why you ask? Simple. The wind was blowing at 20 miles per hour across the sand. If you don’t know what that means I’ll break it down for you. You’re standing there enjoy the waves and the breeze. Ah yes. What a nice breeze. Then it starts to sting. Ow. Ow. Owwwww. It get worse. It’s like being sand blasted constantly at different speeds. It fucking hurts!

So we made our way back to the driveway. I washed the truck, got hit on by the man checking the telephone poles. Awkward. Real awkward.

I ran in my Vibrams today. It was nice. Going to take a bit to adjust to them, but it felt good.

After this all, sense for Sunshine and I went out the window, completely. We discussed what it would be like to go through life without thumbs. The picture above is how Sunshine would drink water. (Blonde moment clearly.)

But in keeping with Sunshine’s randomness, this scene occurred.  We were watching a show about this man was having reconstructive surgery on his face and she looks at me, dead pan face, and goes “google pregnant midgets”. No lie.

But that was after I said this to her: “Damn I need to keep you around more often. You made my bed, you fixed my food, you washed my clothes and folded them, you washed the dishes, and you just spoon fed me. Why don’t you have a boyfriend again?” I’m such as ass. Ha. Our friend told me he’d punch me.

Finally, we topped off the night with with this quote “We are grown ass women trying to make fart noises with our armpits.”

(We failed by the way.)

Another rare thing about today is that I have literally talked to everyone today. Clapper with his random comments about the place that I’m staying. Mr. Soup and his serious comment about being serious and territorial. My friend from Cali. Mr. Delicious and well us just being normal friends. Mr. Breadstick and our general conversations. Ma. Peace and Gaga. Romeo and Juliet. Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers and our crazy in tune thoughts. And finally iamsohip and James Taylor, among other things.

What a day. Time for late night sexting. Hot damnnn.

You Can’t Make A Puppet Out Of The Puppet Master Bitch.

May I just say that you can’t play a player. I really don’t understand people who try to get one over on me and think that I won’t notice. I have news for you. I will and then I will fuck you (not literally). But I digress for just a second to update you on why I have the need to say this, once again.

First, Mr. Soup decided that after shunning me since Spring Break in OBX that he would talk to again. Six short text messages later and that conversation was done. It went like this:
Mr. Soup: “Hey. What are you up to?”
Me: “Nothing much. Just packing for OBX. You?”
Mr. Soup: “Just really drunk from Goshen and really bored.”
Me: (What I thought) “Ohhh. So you can only talk to me when you are heavy intoxicated? Let me guess what you want and aren’t going to get.” (What I said), “Ha. Been out there all day?”
Mr. Soup: “Since like 3. I feel like I haven’t gotten to see you in forever.”
Me:  (What I thought) “Yep, and whose fault is that? Not mine. I know you are just interested in getting my pants, but my friends come first. Plus you have ignored me for 6 weeks and expect me to drop everything for you? Not happening in a million years. You made me wait, so you can wait too.” (What I said) “You haven’t since Spring Break OBX. Ha. You are welcome to come over. LNAYX and I are just going to sit around and throw a few back since he is just waiting on grades.”

Not a single response from Mr. Soup. Frankly, that really irritated the fuck out of me and it was unnecessary drama for the evening. LNAYX and I were just supposed to chill, catch up, drink a few, and relax. He leaves in a few days for home and I may or may not get to see him over the summer. LNAYX is like Mr. Boxer. I can tell them anything and I’ll never be judged and they will always be brutally honest with me. No reservations. That’s why I keep them as my close friends. They keep me sane and in check.

Moving on to my next and more important issue on the soapbox, FireNY. Since I have had the green light from Peace, I have allowed FireNY to continue his “talking to me”. It’s that awkward getting to know you stage. I approached PR about the situation and after 30 seconds of evaluation her exact response was, “Sounds like a douche, like Bert. Not worth your time.” Ha. This is why I love my friends. Well I decided to still feel out the situation. No need to lose friends over this.

Now my gut told me I wasn’t the only one. I assumed this because he is on his phone 24/7, literally. It is worse than a girl. Now I know that I don’t blow his shit up because I have more important things to do with my life. I have my friends and I like face time. So my wheels started to turn. Who was the jabbering with? Um. Ok. Two people can play at this game, and he doesn’t understand that I am not one to fuck with in situations like this. So what did I do? I backed off completely. I played the friend card. A text about twice a week. Hey how’s it going? How’s the family? Good luck on your test. Blah blah blah. He never talked about anything new that had happened and never talked about the weekends. Interesting. As a matter of fact you could send him messages on the weekends and he won’t respond or would leave shit out. Ummm. So I gave him the rope he needed and sure enough he hung himself. And the best part is he has no idea that he has even been caught.

LNAYX informed me last night that he, FireNY and their other roommate spent Easter together. Really? Interesting, because FireNY definitely left out that LNAYX was with him over Easter. Yet, he was asking me 20 million questions about who I was with. I went down to see my friend Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers BY MYSELF. FireNY, for whatever reason, had a difficult time believing that I traveled alone. Dude, I drove across the country and back by myself. Taking an 8 hour trip to see a friend is cake. Either way, this little bit of information of LNAYX traveling with FireNY over Easter was interesting because FireNY doesn’t want LNAYX to know that we are “talking”. Something didn’t sit right with me about this, and still doesn’t.

Then it all kinda clicked. I like LNAYX. We have a mutual attraction and both of us will admit it to each other. We have no shame saying that out loud. Either way, FireNY knows this. I remember on the first night that he hit on me, he told me that LNAYX had a girl at another college (which I thought was really soon considering he just broke up with his serious girlfriend like a month and a half before). FireNY basically proceeded to throw LNAYX under the bus, and you don’t do that shit to your friends. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Ever since that night the two of them haven’t been over to my apartment together. LNAYX and I chill and shoot the shit on the regular. FireNY knows this and he always asks what we are doing. Talking. Literally. I haven’t done anything with LNAYX. It would just complicate things.

Either way, on Cinco de Mayo, the boys went out and got wasted. LNAYX was supposed to come over. FireNY sent me a message later in the night and asked what I was doing. I was packing to go home for the weekend and LNAYX was supposed to come over to chill. FireNY said that he might come over later with LNAYX. No worries. I don’t give a shit one way or the other. So what happens? LNAYX gets fucked up 10 ways to Sunday at the bar and doesn’t come over. No big deal. He can do what he wants and I had other shit to do anyways. However, FireNY does come over. Ok. Whatever. I’ll enjoy the conversation and continue to pack. Not really a big deal right? Wrong.

So then LNAYX tells me last night that FireNY spent all weekend with his ex-ladyfriend, which he is entitled to do. We aren’t dating. However, what irritates the fuck out of me is that he lied to me about. He chose not to tell the whole truth. CHOOSING NOT TO TELL THE TRUTH IS THE SAME FUCKING THING AS LYING.  So toppled with all this other stuff, I got pissed for a number of reasons.

1. FireNY lied to me by not telling me the truth on more than one occasion.

2. FireNY is attempting to separate LNAYX and I as friends. You do not fuck with my friends. Ever.

3. FireNY is still around his ex. I don’t deal with shit that has baggage.

4. FireNY is playing games with me and he really doesn’t understand how bad of an idea that is.

Congratulations dude. You just fucked up majorly. Two can play at your game and I will win. You can’t make a puppet out of the puppet master bitch.

Pants

Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers sent me the photo above today, and it got me to thinking. I don’t think women really understand the definition of what pants are.

So let’s review.

Pants–according to Merriam-Webster–are  “an outer garment covering each leg separately and usually extending from the waist to the ankle —usually used in plural”. From the waist to the ankle people. Thus, your ass crack playing free bird does not count as wearing pants. Furthermore, pants are to be COVERING each leg from the waist to the ankle. Thus, if I can see your underwear, or your skin in any fashion, through your “pants”, you fail. You not wearing pants, and you need to spare yourself some embarrassment and others their eye sight, and change.

For those of you would need a visual diagram to assist in the learning process…

This are pants:

These are not:

Pants of an acceptable nature:

Pants of a not so acceptable nature:

Pants:

Not pants:

As you can see the art of finding acceptable pants is seemingly difficult, so when in doubt, check for 3 things:
1. Are they see through?
2.  Are they so tight that it’s causing unsightly things to appear?
3. Is your ass crack showing (to include when sitting or bending over)?
If you answered no to all three questions (honestly), you should be set to appear in public with pants on.

Breaking Up

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you tell me you are going to do something and you don’t actually follow through with it. This is happened to me twice this weekend.

As I previously wrote Ms. Ineedacheeseburger and Mr. Breadstick had split sighting religious differences. Well they got back together to “work things out” on Easter. Here’s the deal. Ms. Ineedacheeseburger is an Eastern Orthodox Catholic. Mr. Breadstick is either Baptist or Methodist (I can’t recall). So there are some difference in the way the Christian religion is practiced between the two. What their argument boiled down to is Ms. Ineedacheeseburger wants their children (if they get married and have them) to be raised like she was and Mr. Breadstick disagrees.

Now speaking from experience, this is an issue that Pig and I had. He was Catholic and I am a Southern Baptist. We did the same thing. We talked about our differences of practice and tried to gain a basic understanding of each other’s religions. Blah blah blah. So on and so forth. But in the end it came down to him wanting our children to be Catholic and I didn’t. It was one of the reasons we parted ways. Hindsight is 20-20, I know, but looking back Pig and I held on to a failing relationship for longer than we should have simply because we didn’t want to admit that our religious differences were a deal breaker. Sadly, I believe that this is what Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger are doing as well. Nevertheless, time will tell and they will both learn something about themselves in the end.

As Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers pointed out to me, Patti Stanger says, “Religion…is a deal-breaker. Can’t take a Jew and mix it with a Baptist. Not gonna make it happen in a million years.”

The second split of the weekend that turned out to hold no water was between Mr. Delicious and TF. This relationship is honestly worse than beating a dead horse. I mean really. They have been over their issues time and time again and yet they still keep riding a quickly sinking ship. I don’t really get it. Why would you waste your time? Either way, Mr. Delicious told me on Thursday that TF punched him five times (closed fist) because she is has PMS. She demanded a massage  and then claimed Mr. Delicious was hurting her, which I can personally say that Mr. Delicious gives excellent massages, so that cannot possibly be true. Fucking ridiculous. This is not the first time she has hit him either. Personally, if he hit her back, I wouldn’t blame him one bit. Whatever. They apparently worked it out and spent Easter together.

Either way, I believe both of these relationships are complete horseshit and they need to end.  Learn something about yourself. Move on. Unfortunately, they can see what I see because they are blinded by “love”. But I can promise you when the bottom does fall out, I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces.