Stroke It Out

So this week as been damn right awful. It started off with 102 degree fever and being sick for 3 days. Thursday wasn’t too bad. Spend all day with Sunshine in the Sunshine. Took Shen to the vet, which was a bit of a nightmare. I can’t stand it when other people can’t control their animals. I don’t want your dog in my dog’s personal space. Please and thank you.

Friday came and with it came hell on wheels. We put my grandmother in the hospital. She wasn’t making any sense. She was talking but her words weren’t coming out correctly. For instance she would try to ask for a glass of water and it would come out as “I glass ice.”

Long story short, I got to sleep in the hospital Friday evening. Saturday came with a confirmed diagnosis of a stroke. Some of her speech and writing may come back with time, but all of it may not. So we are in for long all now.

The rest of Saturday, however, went much much better. I went to see Iamsohip. We had an excellent evening consisting of bitching without judgment, boozing, and boys. We went out to a local bar where I got to see LNAYX. God I have missed him! We got to hang and talk about the rest of summer. I got to hang out with Mr. Delicious as well. Turns out, by the way, that I am going to Ring Figure with him. Holla. Now I gots to finds a dress.

And the best part of the evening was when Clapper came and picked me up. We went home and (Mr. Boxer stop reading here and go to the next paragraph) did the dirty. I got me a unicorn. Hot damn! It was wonderful. He dropped the r word, “relationship”, and I didn’t fight it. We, Clapper and I, are in a relationship. It has been established.

I gots me a unicorn.


Sunshine Is Beyond Random


Today was a highly adventurous day for Sunshine and I. We started off the day late but made our way to the beach which ended as quickly as it started. Why you ask? Simple. The wind was blowing at 20 miles per hour across the sand. If you don’t know what that means I’ll break it down for you. You’re standing there enjoy the waves and the breeze. Ah yes. What a nice breeze. Then it starts to sting. Ow. Ow. Owwwww. It get worse. It’s like being sand blasted constantly at different speeds. It fucking hurts!

So we made our way back to the driveway. I washed the truck, got hit on by the man checking the telephone poles. Awkward. Real awkward.

I ran in my Vibrams today. It was nice. Going to take a bit to adjust to them, but it felt good.

After this all, sense for Sunshine and I went out the window, completely. We discussed what it would be like to go through life without thumbs. The picture above is how Sunshine would drink water. (Blonde moment clearly.)

But in keeping with Sunshine’s randomness, this scene occurred.  We were watching a show about this man was having reconstructive surgery on his face and she looks at me, dead pan face, and goes “google pregnant midgets”. No lie.

But that was after I said this to her: “Damn I need to keep you around more often. You made my bed, you fixed my food, you washed my clothes and folded them, you washed the dishes, and you just spoon fed me. Why don’t you have a boyfriend again?” I’m such as ass. Ha. Our friend told me he’d punch me.

Finally, we topped off the night with with this quote “We are grown ass women trying to make fart noises with our armpits.”

(We failed by the way.)

Another rare thing about today is that I have literally talked to everyone today. Clapper with his random comments about the place that I’m staying. Mr. Soup and his serious comment about being serious and territorial. My friend from Cali. Mr. Delicious and well us just being normal friends. Mr. Breadstick and our general conversations. Ma. Peace and Gaga. Romeo and Juliet. Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers and our crazy in tune thoughts. And finally iamsohip and James Taylor, among other things.

What a day. Time for late night sexting. Hot damnnn.

Breaking Up

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you tell me you are going to do something and you don’t actually follow through with it. This is happened to me twice this weekend.

As I previously wrote Ms. Ineedacheeseburger and Mr. Breadstick had split sighting religious differences. Well they got back together to “work things out” on Easter. Here’s the deal. Ms. Ineedacheeseburger is an Eastern Orthodox Catholic. Mr. Breadstick is either Baptist or Methodist (I can’t recall). So there are some difference in the way the Christian religion is practiced between the two. What their argument boiled down to is Ms. Ineedacheeseburger wants their children (if they get married and have them) to be raised like she was and Mr. Breadstick disagrees.

Now speaking from experience, this is an issue that Pig and I had. He was Catholic and I am a Southern Baptist. We did the same thing. We talked about our differences of practice and tried to gain a basic understanding of each other’s religions. Blah blah blah. So on and so forth. But in the end it came down to him wanting our children to be Catholic and I didn’t. It was one of the reasons we parted ways. Hindsight is 20-20, I know, but looking back Pig and I held on to a failing relationship for longer than we should have simply because we didn’t want to admit that our religious differences were a deal breaker. Sadly, I believe that this is what Mr. Breadstick and Ms. Ineedacheeseburger are doing as well. Nevertheless, time will tell and they will both learn something about themselves in the end.

As Ms. EatsPlentyOfCheeseburgers pointed out to me, Patti Stanger says, “Religion…is a deal-breaker. Can’t take a Jew and mix it with a Baptist. Not gonna make it happen in a million years.”

The second split of the weekend that turned out to hold no water was between Mr. Delicious and TF. This relationship is honestly worse than beating a dead horse. I mean really. They have been over their issues time and time again and yet they still keep riding a quickly sinking ship. I don’t really get it. Why would you waste your time? Either way, Mr. Delicious told me on Thursday that TF punched him five times (closed fist) because she is has PMS. She demanded a massage  and then claimed Mr. Delicious was hurting her, which I can personally say that Mr. Delicious gives excellent massages, so that cannot possibly be true. Fucking ridiculous. This is not the first time she has hit him either. Personally, if he hit her back, I wouldn’t blame him one bit. Whatever. They apparently worked it out and spent Easter together.

Either way, I believe both of these relationships are complete horseshit and they need to end.  Learn something about yourself. Move on. Unfortunately, they can see what I see because they are blinded by “love”. But I can promise you when the bottom does fall out, I’ll be there to help pick up the pieces.

Friends Versus Girlfriends

Yep. Definitely a lazy Sunday. Out to a late lunch and beer. Home for a movie and bed as soon as I finish this. But in the mean time I’m going to catch you up on some recent occurrences.

Situation #1: Mr. Delicious, as I previously told you, has a girlfriend. We are still friends. No big deal (now). But here within the past few days he has been asking me for relationship advice. HA! So ironic. I mean think about he is ask me, the girl he was playing, for advice on the girl he picked over me. Once again, HA! So the story goes like this: (Now I edited some because I hate shorthand text and I’m not going to reveal anyone’s real name.)

Mr. Delicious-I love great girlfriend’s (sarcasm)
Nelson-Oh no. What’s up?
D-I’ll have to explain it but long story short (his girlfriend who we will call TF) went to “dinner ” with an old friend and got drunk with him. She got mad when I said why can’t you just make it lunch ….not to happy right now.
N-Oh. I see. You are basically asking for a compromise and it didn’t go over well?
D-I trust her but I’m not an idiot. I don’t know why I always get screwed by chicks I fall for. I’m a very honest guy in a relationship and my bigggggest pet peeve is when someone lies to not ” hurt” the other person, and she’s doing that tonight.
N-Oh I see. I’m going to side with you on this. You never lie ever in a relationship. Its better to tell the truth and hurt them D-She’s still at the bar. It’s 11:30 here. She’s been there since 6. N-Ummm. Ok. So she’s with the “old friend” right?
N-Does she think you’re playing the “jealous boyfriend” card?
D-She accused me of it or the “you won’t let me be with friends” card when I asked her what was wrong with doing lunch. N-Um. Ok. So now she’s mad and probably out just to spite you. Thoughts? D-What should I do? I don’t think she’s out like that but you never know.
N-I would let it be for the night. Tell her to have a good time and calmly explain to her tomorrow how you feel. She’s might take it well or she’ll flip out. I don’t know her well enough to know what she’s going to do but I’m going to guess that she’s going to get mad. But the important thing is that you addressed it the right way.

A little while later…

N-Playing devils advocate here, do you think you are reading too much into it?
D-I’m sure I am a little but I wouldn’t be if I wasn’t given doubt or reason to. N-Fair point. Just checking to make sure you’re thinking the right way. D-I am.
N-So, are you still chatting with TF?
D-It’s on and off texting. I said goodnight and she keeps saying she’ll call but hasn’t. N-She isn’t going to call you until she gets home.
D-Figures. Why is that?
N-Ha. Just saying. That’s what I’d do. I’d be too drunk to drive and talk on the phone so I’d call when I got home.

The next day…

N-Talk to TF yet?
D-We argued last night. It’s whatever. I need a break.
N-That’s unfortunate.
D-It happens.
N-Yeah but for me I get really frustrated when they are being irrational and won’t communicate with me. D-We talked but we agreed for space.
N-Space or break? There’s a big difference.
D-We are debating on the break but I don’t know. We’ll see.

So, now that I have him confiding in me, I’m going to him a favor and be his friend with advice. I hate to witness break ups because they remind me too much of other things but he doesn’t realize what he his dealing with. TF is lovely to some, but, or so I have been told, she’s a raging douchebag to some people. Regardless, I’m playing the fence. I’ll be friend her if necessary, but in the end I always side with my boys (or my super close girlfriends). Always.

Situation #2: Mr. Breadsticks has been talking to me every day. I find this to be weird, but nice that we are back to being friends. However, I have a strange feeling that when Ms. Ineedacheeseburger returns to the US (She went to Egypt for a school trip. So legit!), he’ll stop talking to me. Which, frankly, will piss me off because you never ever choose your significant other over your friends. I guess time will tell!

Off to bed now, and off to Mississippi tomorrow.

And It Goes On And On

Hello world. I didn’t forget about you for the day. I’m sure that you can tell by the tone of this post that things are better between the travel buddy and I. They are but its not what you are thinking. Let me explain.

So left you with the basic point that traveling jackass was getting on my nerves. It got worse. I lost my nugget this morning. The idiot had gone down to the casino to gamble (remember we are in Vegas). While gambling I know he was drinking whiskey mixed drinks. I don’t know how many he consumed but when he came back to the room he was fucked up drunk. Wonderful right?

He drank way too much last night. Woke me up in the middle of the night because he was throwing up. I lost my shit on him this morning. I was so mad I was shaking. Afterward he had the nerve to ask me what he did wrong so I lit into him again. I dropped him off at the airport in Vegas.

Call it me being a bitch. I don’t care. I had enough. After promptly putting him out on the curb of the airport, my trip became instantly better. I made my way from Vegas to LA with ease. However,I sooner realized that although LA is pretty , its not really my style.

So I was in-and-out like the burger. I was originally planning to go see the Grand Canyon, the Painted Desert, etc. But after calling my mother and checking the weather, we decided that this was not a good idea because the area got a ton of snow poured on them. So I changed plans and am currently making my way to Dallas, Texas. Its a challenge to make it there before 7PM. I’ll have to let you know later today how that went.

The drive today was occupied by a whole lot of desert. Not exciting. I had meaningful conversations and much needed entertainment from LadyFriend, Mr. Boxer, Mr. Mosquito, Mr. Breadsticks, Mr. Greek, Mr. Delicious, and Ma. Once again, their conversations are greatly appreciated.

Here’s to the Dallas Challenge, watching the sunset in LA and watching it rise somewhere in Texas.

Only The Weary Rest

Day three of vacation and it was already set up to be a long, cold one. I awoke feeling like a grumpy little shit. Once again, I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Today was a photo shoot day, so the ordeal of getting ready took longer that I ever really needed it too. After stressing over my hair for 30 minutes and putting on a new face, I was finally ready to go. I (semi) happily bounced my way out the door. Holy mother of god. I was slapped in the face and instantly frozen by the wind. So much for nice hair today. The shoot was outdoors and I was about to freeze my ass off.

I quickly made my way to the truck and to my mother’s house. We ventured out with the camera in tow. The spot today was a bridge. A bridge that was 1.25 miles away from my truck. Cold. Oh so cold. I got my pictures done quickly. It was too cold and windy for this. My nose was running. Nothing better than a snotty model. Sexy. I hustled my way back to the truck and we made our way to the ABC store. Christmas gifts were purchased. We gossiped about some people. Standard really. We made our way to The Waterstone, had a delicious pizza and beer. Dinner was interrupted by Mr. Delicious.

Mr. Delicious, much like Mr. Breadstick, has decided that it’s now ok to be nice to me and try to be my friend. Although I don’t mind it and I don’t understand the sudden change in heart and why they thought it was ok to be an asshole in the first place. Whatever. I’m not really in the mood to think too much in depth about this at the moment.

I ventured my way back home, napped my way through the hour and the Mr. Greek showed up. We went to dinner and had some very pleasant conversation, much of which should not have been dinner table type of conversation. It was more than enjoyable and relaxing. I was finally able to escape and let my brain rest for a few moments out of the day. I enjoy spending time with him. I’m just not entirely sure what I want at the moment. My fault for being an asshole to him, I know. And I also know that it’s wrong. Nonetheless, I very much value our time together. Everything was peachy until bedtime. When I laid down in bed, I went to thinking again. UGH. I just want to sleep in peace but that is apparently too much to ask. All I want is to relax, but I can’t seem to do that unless someone is there to fill that void. My mind races uncontrollably. I think about how life could be, should be, and how I want it to be. It’s so hard for me to balance all this in my mind. Instead I run and I know that I do. This is because when I actually go after what I want I get rejected every single time. I’m so sick of it.

Who knows what the new year will bring, but I hope it’s something good and worth my time.


Vacation Day 2. Before I even went to bed last night I knew that today was going to be uneventful. I had made no plans on purpose. Days like these give me a chance to think, which inherently for me is a horrible idea in and of itself. The day started off with Le Phrey (the dog) vomiting in her crate. Yes, the first sound of the day was not bird chirping or cows mooing, it was Phrey gaging herself. Unwillingly I dragged myself out of bed and deal with Phrey. Once she was looking so fresh and so clean, clean, and decided to practice my housebitch skills, also known as housewife skills. I slaved over a dirty floor and dusty counter-tops for two whole excruciating hours. Cleaning is not my go to thing unless I’m stressed, which I’m not. Thus, I thought a lot. I told myself a few stories. Dreamed of this or that. Made up dialogues of what it would be like for me and someone that I know to live in Africa and help small children. Blah blah blah. You get the picture. My daydreaming continued in the shower, through painting my nails, and into my nap. Once I awoke from my beauty sleep I had a few more ideas, and I few conclusions, but I decided to think some more. I was the thinking man right through shopping with my mother.

Then Mr. Delicious spoke to me. SHIT. Randomly out of the blue Mr. Delicious, yet again, intervenes in my life. Why? Because he feels like he can confide in me. For some reason a lot of people feel this way, which I’m not opposed to at all. I just don’t understand it. Nevertheless, always willing to lend an eye, I listened to his praises and his woes. Advice was offered, but I still can’t get out of my head why he picked me to get advice from.

This train of thought was interrupted by Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie in The Tourist. I was able to watch an ok film and give my mind a rest. Give it a chance to rest. But not the fret, as soon as the flick was over it was back to thinking. Here are the conclusions that I have come to over the course of the day:
1. I could be a high class paid escort, but not a stripper or pose for playboy.
2. I want a dog but not right now.
3. I’m going to declaw Lucy if she keeps picking at the furniture.
4. Mr. Soup was totally worth it and I’d do him again in a heartbeat.
5. I still can’t get the look Mr. Mosquito gave me in August out of my head.
6. Same goes for how Mr. Soup reacted Saturday morning.
7. I truly don’t understand why Sunshine relies on Mr. Bear and Mr. HairSwoop the way she does. They really aren’t good friends.
8. LadyFriend and I must go to Ireland, and get tattoos.
9. Mr. Boxer is a good friend to me and I trust him completely, which surprises me because I don’t trust anyone like that.
10. I judge my mother for things that I don’t understand and although it’s frustrating, it’s not my problem.
11. Same goes from my douchebag cousin and her thing of a man that I equate to road kill.
12. I don’t really, seriously feel a damn thing for my father. It’s more like a torn in my side. Although, I do think that I could feel something for him if it wasn’t for the GoldDigger and Company attachments he has.
13. I might try a new diet because I think it’s a good idea.
14. Coconut water is gross.
15. Mushrooms and ranch topped off my night.