Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Oh boy. There are so many things I need to forgive people for. I hold grudges like it’s my job. I know it’s never good for me, but I just can’t help it. You cross me and I will hate you forever. Never again will I allow you to be in a position that could hurt me.
However, I would say the biggest person/reason/situation that I need to forgive is my father.
I absolutely fucking hate that man, yet I love him at the same time. He is like poison in my blood, yet I can’t put it down and walk away. I am fond of him, yet if he dropped dead tomorrow I would feel little remorse for what has happened between us.
I hate him for being gone when I was a child. I hate him for not being a man when my parents divorced. I hate him for thinking that he needed to be at work more than at home. I hate that he never did anything with me that wasn’t work related. I hate that he smothered me. I hate that he choked the life out of my childhood. I hate that he took advantage of my innocence for his common need. I hate that he never grew up in some respects. I hate that he thought he could find answers at the bottom of a bottle. I hate that his communication skills are hypocritical. I hate that his love for other things is rooted in a falsehood. I hate that my suggestions are a moot point. I hate that he found a new family. I hate that he won’t leave me alone. I hate that I have to even touch him. I hate that I have to share a room or even an air space with him. I hate his very existence and connection with my life. He maybe be my father, but I absolutely loathe the fact that he tried to be my parent.
I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HIM.
Yet I know that I need to forgive him for things, because it is not healthy for me to keep all this hate built up inside of me. It will tarnish my soul, and blacken my future.
As Mr. Boxer told me once, “You have some evil demons chasing you.” Yes. I do, and he is right. My father is one of my many demons. A demon which I need to rid myself.
So let’s wish for happy days and brighter skies of which I can release my burdens and be free to fly without watching my back.