Dislike Emotion

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I am emotionally incompetent.

As Peace says you are so strong in every other aspect of your life, but you suck at emotions.

It’s so so true. The idea of emotions and me in the same sentence or thought makes me extremely uncomfortable. I have a lot of these moments recently, which doesn’t really help matters, with Clapper.

He has tried to have “The Talk” (the dating talk that is) with me, to which I responded, “I don’t really do emotions so we aren’t having this conversation.” And then I changed the subject. He has also professed everything that he likes about me (in an 8-minute long rant mind you), during which I talked over him, tuned him out, got physically worked up to the point that I wanted to flee the room as quickly as possible (but he wouldn’t let me), uncomfortably nervous, told him was spewing utter bullshit out of his mouth, and even as I’m recalling this right now my throat is constricting. I have an emotional peanut allergy and I really fucking need an EpiPen.

I hate that I react this way to people and situations. I don’t cry in front of people, ever. It’s a no no. I can count on two hands the number of people that have truly seen me lose  my nugget. Moreover, I can count on one hand the number of people that have ever seen me truly vulnerable. I do not allow most people to get close to me at all. It’s a defensive measure to ensure that I don’t get hurt. My instant reaction when I legitimately like someone is to push them as far away as possible, and that is not normal but any standard.  The thought of allowing someone to get close enough to me to really know me (besides Sunshine) makes me want to vomit. Marriage. HA! Although it is desired, I’m perfectly ok with not acting on it ever.

But through and through, the psychologist in me tells me to get the fuck over it. I’m being completely irrational and I do not/ can not withstand to be like this forever without turning into a miserable old fuck who won’t be able to relate to anyone that I care about now. I will become the black sheep of society, not just my family.

I am working to get past those boundaries of emotions, but it is not easy. I am fighting, yet telling myself that I’m being a sissy about it. Thankfully, with the encouragement and patience of my friends, I will find a happy medium at some point.

Lord knows that between Peace and Clapper, I will have enough emotions for the whole universe.

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