Bundle Of Nerves

The play date with Clapper was fucking awesome, per usual. Spending time with him is easy, natural and fun. There is no pressure to conform one way or another. Our conversations have substance, yet we can exist in perfect silence. Well silence that only lasts for about 30 seconds because Clapper is high-strung as fuck. Seriously, he never calms down.

Last night he was particularly excited for a reason which I dare not ask. I’m going to chalk it off to his birthday begin today. Regardless he definitely threw me off my rocker last night. It only took one line. We were discussing my upcoming plans, mainly moving. He asked where I’d be moving too. I said with my grandma more than likely. She needs help around the house but, much like me, refuses to ask for it. She’s very  headstrong. Clapper this states, very clearly, “Oh. That’s what I have to look forward too.” He’s response floored me and I literally had nothing to say. NOTHING.

I mean what the fuck?! Is  he really thinking about the future and just let that slip out. That is not a causal statement you just throw out there. You cannot do that to me! But he did. Loud and clear. And I just sat there with my mouth gaping open. My brain did some troubleshooting after a good 10 seconds of deafening silence, and I scrambled to recover my composure. I’m sure he noticed, but I didn’t bother to bring it up again.

After he used words to throw me off my guard, he then became extremely affectionate. Now I don’t do emotions, affection, and cuddling often, but I’m trying to attempt to miserably turn over a new leaf in that department. Regardless I am very aware of people body language and what-nots when they are  being emotional with me. And Clapper’s words were not the only thing giving off signals last night. (And for once I am not talking about a dick. Shocking.) We were in the middle of a long-winded kiss when he breathed. Not just any breath, but a nervous one. It sounds stupid because I can’t describe it well but I know what I heard. Hearing that one audible breath made my stomach roll over about five times.

Is it really possible that someone my actually like me? Legitimately like me? I’m keeping my reservations and my doors open.

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