8, Pick A Mate

In a drunken moment of desire, I got what I wanted from FireNY. Number Eight. And just as Peace predicted, it was a disappointment. Why you ask? Easy. 1. No one plays just the tip anymore. 2. 2 minutes. 2 MINUTES! But what I find even more interesting is the way FireNY now acts. He is attentive and doesn’t go breezing past me. He smiles and acts polite. I on the other hand haven’t made any effort. I speak when he speaks to me but I do not go out of my way for anything. I think he is acting like the girl would in this situation, and I’m acting like a guy.

Personally, this is how I always am. For me I don’t need your emotional bullshit. I’m perfectly ok with having sex, just to have sex. Sex and love are two very different things. LNAYX taught me that. But more importantly, I wonder why I even bother. I know I’m ready for a relationship, yet every time someone (like Clapper) gets near me, I get extremely nervous and push them as far away as possible. Although I’m better at expressing my emotions, I keep most of them well hidden.

Perhaps it boils down to a few points. One, my family doesn’t deal with emotion–at all–ever. We are dead pan for the most part. We fake whatever mood we need to to suit the occasion. Most of us have never seen anyone else cry, and if we have we do not utter a single word about it. We allow the person to cry alone in the corner of the room by themselves. Emotion is ignored.

Two, Clapper makes me intimidates the hell out of me. He is attractive, smart, and successful. He has a lot of things going for him. But he makes me nervous as hell because he is persistent.  He admits that he is attracted to me and I don’t take compliments well. I say thank you and get extremely uncomfortable.  He goes out of his way to speak to me, often. He offers to take me out to dinner. And after all of this I still blow him off. Why? One, I juggling people. Two, I’m a little bit lazy. Three, our schedules are ridiculous. Four, I don’t know what to do with myself around him. I’m very guarded and he makes me feel vulnerable. He sees through it. Or at least I think that he does. I know that if I let him just close to me I’m going to feel something, and the thought of that makes me want to vomit. Like I said I don’t handle emotion well.

Ugh. Fuck. I have 2 weeks to think about this at the beach. But once I return I know I’m going to have to face the music and tell Clapper yes or no. I know it’s wrong to compliant about the situation and having choices but damn. It’s so much easier not to feel anything at all than to be overwhelmed with emotion.

Fuck this.

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