Swirling In Thought

Ok ok. So I know I haven’t posted recently. I have been so over whelmed by my own thoughts that I haven’t been able to get anything out on paper, or rather out of my finger tips and on to this here screen. My thoughts have been racing from one situation to the next. Thoughts all pointing to chance…and change.

My job is changing. I’m getting a new one. Don’t know where or what yet but it is going to change. I made my first big girl step and applies for 2 jobs and am networking into a few others hopefully. I’m considering working two jobs just so I can have one that I enjoy. But I’ll keep all that hush hush for the moment. When things work out, and even if they don’t, you’ll hear all about my irrational thoughts at some point.

Along with the job comes the move. The very thing that is driving this ship currently. Driving right out of this state and into another one. Which one, I don’t know, and frankly it doesn’t much matter as long as I can smell the roses, feel the wind, and dance with my eyes closed.Maybe I’ll be by the seaside. Maybe in the mountains. Wherever it is I know I’ll be home because home is where my heart beats the fondest.

Then comes the matter of men. Part of me says “Fuck them all. Literally. And when you come up short handed (Mr. Boxer stop reading here and skip to the next paragraph.) that’s why you have the battery operated boyfriend. The worst thing he can do is die on you. But never fear, your local grocery store is always there.

Another part of me wants to sit back and see who comes to me. Then again I’ve never been very patient. The final part of me wants to go after what I want but my god, what the fuck is that?! I know I’m ready for a relationship but sometimes having choices is too much. There is Mr. Mosquito. Good when we are good. Bad, down right fucking awful when we are at each others throats. It’s a blood bath. He toys with my heart and my emotions and has no fucking idea what he is doing. But never fear, like most (not all) men his age he is a big fat scared pussy. Yes I said it. I’m not going to wait around on his ass to shift into second gear when I’m already there.

Next is Mr. Soup. Fuck he is good. And what he is thinking I have no clue and it drives me nuts!  Sometimes I feel he ia completely incapable of a normal conversation with me. But everytime he is around he turns into a dork, or so Peace says. I’m to busy over thinking and blocking off all emotion.  No no. I can not possibly feel anything right now. It’s an inconvenience.

Then there is the matter of LNAYX, who just recently dumped his girlfriend. May also mention that he told me this on his birthday sober. Well his version of sober anyways. It was his birthday. And this was after he asked me to grab a few beers with him for his birthday, which mind you ended up just being just him and I drinking at my place. We talked deep. Both drunk and sober. He stayed over that night. Nothing, not even a kiss, happened. When we got in bed he snuggled. His idea, not mine, but I’m not saying no to snuggle time. And there it was again. I fit. I fit right there as the little spoon, my head on his arm, his arms wrapped around me pulling me into his chest. Fuck. I even let my “I don’t give a fuck attitude” hang out. I slept with my mouth guard in. No one except for Sunshine sees me in that god awful, necessary thing.

So I guess it’s time to make decisions, even those that require feeling. (Damn. I really am a Samantha/Miranda.) I feel like I’m physically growing up. I’m wearing my big girl pants. I’m going from crawling to toddling into the big bad world. So what prompted all this? Plain and simple. A desire to be happy and free. Some people call me crazy and don’t understand me. My Ma tells me I’m high on life. Personally, I kinda like going to fly a kite in some random obsecure place. At least I know I won’t be bored with the adventure that awaits me.


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