Jitters

“Yeah, talking… communicating… relationship stuff. It’s just… If we were in a relationship I’d become a weird scary version of myself, and my throat starts constricting, the walls start throbbing, it’s like a peanut allergy. It’s like an emotional peanut allergy.” -No Strings Attached

___________________

You know that feeling you get when your heart just about jumps out of your chest and your cheeks turn red and start to tingle all because you saw someone? I got that feeling today, and I’m panicking. I don’t get this feeling often at all. I can’t even begin to tell you the last time I had that feeling. Seriously, I can’t. I didn’t even have that feeling with Pig.

When this happens, I literally full-on panic. I can’t help it. I feel vulnerable. It’s something I can’t control, and it leaves me open to getting hurt. I don’t like it one bit. I am not ok with having emotion like this. It is a flaw in my very existence. Emotions like this are not accepted in my realm. I am not an emotional being. Not feeling is what makes me who I am. Feeling is what turns me into a bubbly mess of uncontrollable reactions to commonality. A lack of feeling is much, much better than actually feeling something for me. Thus, when I being to feel things like this I shut down completely.

Peace and Mr. Breadstick tell me that I actually need to learn how to feel again. That this is good. I trust them, but I really don’t feel like crawling out of my shell and feeling. Nope. No thanks. Not really my cup of tea. I start to think about those feelings and literally choke up in my throat and I feel like I’m going to burst into tears. Really, that’s not cool.

I think Peace put it best when she said, “You’re so brave in every other aspect of your life and this is clearly your weak spot. You just have to tell yourself it’s not always going to feel good. There are times he’s going to upset you, probably without knowing he did. But what makes it worth it is the times he makes you feel good.”

I’m totally fucked.

PS. I’m talking about Mr. Soup in case you were wondering.

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