I have definitely broken all of these rules with no remorse what-so-ever. Let’s just start at the top and work our way down with explanations/thoughts on the matter(s).
1. Always behave like a lady. Right right right. I am a lady…a lady who falls of tables, but kept her legs closed so no one could see what I had on under my dress. I can dress up, do my make, and walk in heels…all while drinking copious amounts of alcohol, and not slurring my speech. I behave …just like a should when I have to stand up for myself. I have a vast vocabulary …and I use every last fucking word in it without any damn reservations about who hears the shit I say.
2. Marry early. Fail. Apparently something is wrong with me since I’m older than 22 and don’t have a kid or a husband. Personally, I think I lucked out on missing this ship.
3. Primp. Of course I do this. I check in the bathroom mirror every time see if I have food in my teeth.
4. Have lots and lots of babies. Once again, epic fail on my part. How could I have let this happen?!
5. Wait for a guy to ask you out. I do, and that’s why I’m still waiting. But maybe it is because I’m not wearing heels and dress, and looking like a damsel in distress.
6. Should be seen and not heard. Oops. I fucked this one up big time. Sorry, but if you ask for my opinion, you will get it and then some. Also, please do not act like a jerk. Trust me, I can be a bigger bitch than you.
7. Women should wear pink. And chastity belts and straight jackets because we are all psycho sluts. Check the box baby. I’m on the crazy train!
8. Be hairless. If men are entitled to be lazy every once in a while then so am I. I do not have the extra five minutes every day to shave my legs. Sorry, but if I’m the only one seeing them, then I’m not going through the effort.
9. Don’t be a tease. But it’s the first certification on my resumé.
10. Don’t be a whore. Er. Shit happens? If men can have a cycle so can I, but I’m still no Tucker Max.
11. Don’t dress like a slut. Does my cleavage line distract you? Do my shorts that cup my ass just right and make my legs look great turn your head? My bad. I’ll make sure I come with a caution sticker next time. “CAUTION: Product may cause harm via crook in the neck or slapping by girlfriend. When interacting with this product please keep your eyes up and straight forward, hands and arms to oneself, and penis in the pants. This product is intended for mature audiences only.”
12. Don’t dress like a prude. So my sorority girl outfit was a bad move? Damn. I really like Ralph Lauren, Sperry’s, and Ray Bans.
13. Don’t get a pet. Shouldn’t this be the third step in the process of seeing if you are responsible? 1. Yourself. 2. A plant. 3. A pet. Right?
14. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Semi-true, but that actually requires you to cook, which most people in general suck at. Good thing they developed other sucking skills, or at least for their sake I hope they did. So glad I know how to use a frying pan to my advantage. Regardless, last time I checked men don’t have hearts, feelings, and emotions, so why am I feeding his fatass again?
15. Make sure your man’s not intimidated by your own awesomeness. If you are intimidated by me then you are probably a little bitch anyways and I’ll steam roll you. Cut your losses now and bail.
via College Candy