Last night I cried openly for the first time in front of strangers. I grieved as I should have grieved a long time ago for the loss of my friend. The memorial service was still a lot to take in, and a lot to deal with, but I think it helped me gain more closure on the situation. I still don’t have all of the closure that I need, but I have more than before.
I also experience something that I don’t get very often. I actually leaned on my friends (just a wee bit, let’s not get carried away here) instead of them leaning on me, which is the way I like it. I resorted to being exposed and vulnerable, something that doesn’t set well with me. I allowed people to see me that way. I had emotion. True, open and honest emotion. Another of which I never do. I don’t like people to see that side of me.
Perhaps the passing of the friend is a way for me to have more meaningful relationships with people. People are able to see that I am more human than I appear and I do have a softer side to me. However rare and what not that side is it’s not important, but maybe I should be more emotional with people versus the pent-up rock that I am. I never allow myself to falter in any way, shape, or form. I never allow room for emotion beyond a smile, or anger when necessary. No one ever sees me as plain, just ok, sad, crying, romantic (still not really sure what this is), shy, or just simply quiet. I’m always up beat and a go get them type of person. Maybe seeing emotions that aren’t normally outwardly displayed will be a positive change. I don’t know what the answer is, and I guess this will just be a question/statement/contemplation of life that is left unanswered at the moment.